This is NOT a thread for Dopers to hook up with each other, but rather a thread for Dopers to share their recent experiences, questions, turmoils, and battle scarrs picked up from dating.
21 year old introverted male here.
Over the pat few months I’ve scourged the Earth for every article, book, website, and message board I could find on picking up, socializing with, and dating women. And the information I’ve come across has helped a helluva lot. My dating has quadroupled and I’m now very comfortable approaching random strangers and in cafes and asking if they would like some company. For the past two months I’ve had about a date a week. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about people in general. The three biggest lessons learned so far being:
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What people say they want and what they respond to are two ENTIRELY different things.
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Even if a girl is throwing herself at you, you still have to know how to catch. This means knowing how to read body language, tone of voice, and certain social skills I’m still trying to aquire. Earlier this month I had a gorgeous redhead throwing every signal my way and I didn’t even know it until she left and my coworkers gave me hell over it.
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There’s a certain process you must go through to engage the interest of a girl. Some people call this a mating ritual, some people call it a game (and sometimes it is), and still some people call it a test. I don’t know what the hell it is, but it’s quite evident that most girls are very sensitive to whether or not a man makes it through the process in one piece, or if it strips the guy of every piece of armor he has and exposes his every insecurity, vulneribility, and his small, frail body. It is an EXTREMELY rare case when a girl finds me attractive, and maintains that attraction, for having desirable physcial traits and a common set of interests. A girl might find me interesting, but rarely so interesting that coming on a smidge too storng, not strong enough, or making a strange joke can’t turn her right off and have her proppeling herself away from me into the stratosphere
But regardless of whatever the hell “this” is, it’s important not to become angry about what turns them on or off. They have no more control over what flips their switches than I do. I can work on my social skills. I have that luxury. Most girls can’t work on, oh say, getting wider hips or larger breasts.
I’ve been using Craigslist lately and have some pretty gosh darned good responses. I post my personal once a week and typically get 3-7 responses each time. Many times girls write in to do nothing more than tell me what a wonderful personal I have. It’s good for the ego.
Sometimes they write in to praise my personal, and express interest…then they drop it a moment later for no apparent reason. Sometimes they do this after writing me a page or two email. No joke. It’s totally mind boggling.
And holy crap, isn’t chemistry such a fickle thing? I keep meeting all these people, and if they like me I don’t like them. If I like them, they don’t like me. And sometimes me and the girl have everything in common. We go on a second date and the planets align, a gopher ceases to be scared of his shadow, and somewhere in the distance a pirate and a ninja shake hands…and regardless of this, you don’t freaking like each other! Then you’re whisked back in time where you’re Wyatt Earp at the Let’s Just be Friends Corral.
I feel confident, self assured, and attractive. I also feel totally lost.
The whole whole process is like blowing a bubble. Blow too hard, it pops. Blow not hard enough, it pops before it becomes anything too big. Blow just right…maybe. I really wish it wasn’t such a delicate process.
I was getting along real well with one girl I was went out with three times. I’m not feeling any romantic chemistry, but we do enjoy each other’s company. So last time we meet she says she’s going to call me. She doesn’t call. I let five days go by and I call her to ask if she’d like to see a movie that night. She told me she was hanging out with someone else and would call me back. Ok, whatever. She doesn’t. I’m willing to just leave it at that, but a few days after that, she sends me an email asking me what I’ve been up to. I tell her in a friendly mild mannered tone that I’m waiting for those two phone calls, and she should call me so I could tell her about a 300 foot drop I took at one of our local attractions. It’s been three days. She’s not calling.
And you know what? At this point I really just want to know how to get my book back. If anyone could tell me how to do it wihtout pissing her off, I’ll buy you a snowcone.
Another thing: What the hell do you tell a girl when she asks “what have you been up to?” when you’ve been dating around? I don’t have anything exclusive with anyone, but I’ve been led to believe talking about dating other girls gets negative reactions. I don’t want to sound boring either by saying “Ugh…nothin’”.
I’ve read a thousand times that the guy ALWAYS pays for the date, and that going Dutch is frowned upon. I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if the results that come from making a girl pay her own way haven’t been favorable. On the other hand, paying for a girl just seems to violently smother attraction. Even if we’re just stopping at the Pita Pit. I used to make girls pay for themselves if I was more interested in them as friends. Now I pay for them.
Which brings me up to my next delima…I have a date tomorrow. Do I pay? Does she expect it? I don’t give a rats ass if the money is spent or not, I just want to leave a good impression. I just don’t know anymore. This whole experience of mine has demolished old rules and built new ones for myself.
I don’t know…and I don’t know.
That’s my piece. I’m done until at least my date tomorrow, but I’m interested in reading what other people have to say for themselves.