The Bible according to a guy who really only read the stories of perversion and random violence, which was pretty much the only things I ever wanted to read about. So from memory all that I remember about the Bible.
Genesis: God created some naked people who skipped around nakedly until one day a snake convince them to eat some fruit. From then on they wore clothes and were quite modest. But they invented sex had lots of babies and the eventually populate the world.
The world was full of evil perverts called the sons of god who lay with the slutty daughters of men so god caused a big flood. All the wicked people died except Noah who built a big boat with animals and his three sons their wives and his wife. They landed and Noah got drunk and ran around naked to celebrate, his son Ham thought it was pretty funny to see a drunk 600 year old naked man dancing, which it was, and so God cursed Ham and would later justify the destruction of his his offspring and the nations they created.
Then there was Abraham who married his sister. It was pretty gross. But even more gross he slept with his 90 year old sister and had a baby. His nephew moved away to Sodom which as it name suggests was full of fithy sodomites. These people liked sex are were not picky about who it was with, they even tried to rape an angel. So god killed everyone there and lot excaped with his two daughters. They lived in a cave and the sisters take turns sudducing their father. Thats pretty gross. Meanwhile, Abe gets some a slave girl and has some sons with both her and his wife/sister and yadda yadda he sends the bitch packing. A couple thousand years later the ancestors of Abes son with his concubine hit it big when the discover the wasteland they were shipped off to was on top of a huge deposite of the black gold. So its not all bad I guess.
Abe’s son Issac/Israel had a son name Jacob who cheats his older cooler brother out of his land and property. Our hero Jacob then runs away when he is discovered until he fights God in a ancient wrestle mania king of the ring type match and wins. Good gets pissy after losing and gives him a limp using his magic god powers. Cheater! Prooving he is indeed a badass, he goes back for his stuff. He also marries sisters, the ugly Leah and the fine Rebecca or was it Racheal. Either way she was a hotty and his cousin. He has a bunch of kids with them and other women, 12 sons and daughter to be exact.
Joe his favorite, the son of his hot wife of course, pisses off his brothers because he is a prick. So of course they sell him into slavery. Joe gets into a lot of trouble in Egypt because he is a very attractive guy and he keeps turning down all the noble ladies advances. Joe is a prick he can’t help it. They throw him in prison, but he gets out and eventually is running the place. Meanwhile his brother Judah’s son dies with out leaving his widow with out a child. So wife marries son 2 and tries to have a kid. Son 2 invents both the cum shot and the withdrawl method in the same sexual outing and spills his seed on the floor. God hates wasteing seed so he strikes him dead. The widow is very sad becomes a whore. Judah comes by one day and doesn’t recognize her. Does his business, pays her and sents her on her way. Later when he finds his daughter in law is a whore he tries to stone her and in the process invents the “double standard” possibly the most important doctrine in the judeo-christian tradition. He realizes it was her he slept with and decides she was a pretty lay so he marries her himself. From this beautiful and holy union, we later get not only the future king of Israel, David, but also the king of kings himself, our savior Jesus Christ.
Later, everyone goes to Egypt to mooch off the very brother they sold into slavery. Somehow their descendents become slaves.
Next Week
Chapter 2 Exodus: The Voyage Home aka Genocide with Purpose
