Let's make up Biblical quotes

Let’s make up some Biblical-sounding quotes. This exercise may be more challenging than you think. Points will be awarded for submissions in the following categories:

  1. Realism. Does it capture the ‘style’ found in a particular book?
  2. The Judgment Factor. Everyone knows the best passages are those that can somehow be interpreted to condemn an entire segment of humanity for possessing some attribute or engaging in some behavior. Be creative.
  3. Silliness. As pointed out on another recent thread, the Bible’s got ridiculous knee-slappers tucked among its pages. The Bible’s got some seriously untapped comic potential that just needs to be developed a bit. Work it.

So sharpen your quills, brush up on your King James style (and if NIV or English Standard is more your style that’s fine too) and give us some faux proverbs or prophecy, citing chapter & verse.

Song of Songs 9:1-2

[sup]1[/sup]I liketh large back parts, truth be with ye. You who are my brothers, I say this unto you.
[sup]2[/sup]She who cometh in health with her glory round about her, she is beloved.

I thought that was from the Book of Mixalot :smiley:

[sup]14[/sup]Behold he shewed me the Beast who hath ivory tusks and trunk. His voice spake with a thousand lies.
[sup]15[/sup]The Unjust followeth the Trump’et of Doom and yearn with hatred for thy brethren. And the Beast saith a great wall shalt thou build.” Revelations 23:14-15

"…then said Mary unto Joseph, “No, really! I’m telling you - that’s who it was!”


Let us wander unto the lands of the unblessed to scatter their flocks. May the holy spirit annoint us with oil and help us to drill for it.
And be not as the hillerith who speak with fork tongue, but rather as the trumpith clear as white light.

Verily I say unto the flock, make the extra pass. Runneth the picket fence to win the day.

Thou shalt be assimilated, thou shalt not resist, resistance is right out.

Know ye, thou fools, that I am great; and none who have spoken with me daresay otherwise. I am beloved by all; for who can surpass the bounds of my wisdom, nor exceed the stores in my house? They are but foolish who would vouch for one making such a claim; yea, until such time as it is known what has befallen us, they are to be barred from this land. A wall ye shall build, and when the time comes to pay the builders, you shall extract from those outsiders the payment therefor.

“Have no enemies”
-You Know Who

Exodus 20:2 1/2: “Thou shalt not be a jerk.”

When my son was in his early teens and in Boy Scouts he had to read a verse. When they called with the cite, I looked and told him it was:
'Verily I say unto you, thou shall not have sex like the beasts in the field."

Right on! H.L. Mencken covered that one pretty well, thusly…“The Creator is a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh”.

“And then did he rise and gird for battle, and he battled the enemies of the Israelites, yea, and defeated them in the fields and cities, and didst he drive them before him from the land; and the women of the land raised a cry, and he listened to them, and he said behold I have driven the enemies of Israel before me, and heard the women of the land raise their cry, verily I say, this is what is most goodly in the eyes of The Lord”

(Actually not that different from some *real *Bible passages…)

I’ve always found it hard to top Proverbs 26 v18-19:

Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death
is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

Verily the Lord said, “I shall smite them from on high, knowing it is the only way to be sure.”

Tritonomy 23:14. Ye shall not eat of the flesh of an ox together with the cheese of the cow. It is an abomination unto man; so sayeth the LORD thy God.

Tritonomy 23:15. Thou shalt give it rather unto the cat which is in thy house, or the cat which is in thy barn, or the cat which is in thy field; for the cat sayeth, Lo, I hunger after the flesh of an ox together with the cheese of the cow.

Yea, though thou burneth the land, and maketh the seas to boil, yet thou canst not take from me the heavens.

There was this:

The LORD knoweth the inward thoughts of a man. Have I spent six arrows from my quiver, or yet five? In the tumult of battle I knoweth not myself. But behold, I wield a bow of steel: There is none like it in all the earth. If an arrow from mine bow smiteth thee, it smiteth thine head from thine body. Verily, time and chance happeneth to all men. Yea, thou must ask thyself: Is the LORD with me? Is the LORD with thee, thou prating fool?

In my very humble opinion, you have already won the thread. You may have won the Internet. Had I been drinking coffee, thou woulsdt have needed to restore a laptop unto thy brother.