I can read without moving my lips!
I know the difference between vowels and consonants, and even know when and why ‘Y’ is a vowel and when it’s a consonant. So there! 
Madonna, is that you?
I obey traffic laws!*
*Disclaimer: Speeding excluded.
Don’t worry about speeding. The majority of people see speeding as harmless so I expect the government will soon table a motion to remove the limits across the nation. After all, this is a democracy.
As for credit: I have resisted my evolutionary heritage and refrained from eating my offspring.
Not me, but my workstudy student Morgan just two days ago:
“I even stayed in the studio for my monitoring shift last night and replenished supplies!”
Me: “I’m so sick of Morgan, taking credit for stuff she’s supposed to do! ‘I replenished supplies!’ Bitch! You supposed to replenish supplies!”
Mine: I made dinner last night.
I have never once broken the kneecaps of someone who told me that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.
The problem is that speeding is okay for me 'cause I’m such an awesome above-average driver, but the rest of you guys are mediocre drivers at best, and you just aren’t safe going over the speed limit.
That’s just odd. NEVER?
I don’t fart in elevators!
I kick the crap out of **Smooth Jack ** in virtually every Xbox 360 game I own.
“Hey, I only stabbed; I didn’t rip.”
I actually heard this mitigating remark from someone who’d stabbed a cop.
I refrain from kicking puppies and spanking other peoples children!
I do that, too!
I clean my house! I go to work! I’m faithful to my husband!
Nope. Not once. Been driving for 26 years (well, I haven’t been driving for all of those 26 years. I stop sometimes to eat and take care of the kids and stuff. . .)
I flush the toilet when I’m done with it!
I stand on the right side of the escalator!
I throw my trash in a trash can!
I bring my shopping cart back!
I’m literate!
I never, ever wonder about statements like that one…much.
This thread reminds me of a conversation I had with my 18 year old son the other day.
Me: Son, please take those dirty glasses out of your room and put them in the dishwasher.
Son: I don’t know why you’re on my back. I don’t do drugs, I haven’t knocked anybody up and I don’t drink and drive!!!
Me: Ummm, yeah? Congratulations. Now get the G-D glasses.
This thread reminds me of a fine speech delivered by Sydney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner. It has been awhile, so I’m summing this up out of memory.
His dad’s giving him a ration because SP is choosing to marry a white girl. Dad recites how he worked hard as a mailman and fed and clothed and cared for SP, and put him through school, and states that SP now owes him.
SP replies that dad did all of that because he should do it, because dads should look after their kids. SP is grateful to dad for his care, but he does not owe dad his happiness and his life.
It was a great speech. I’ll look out for the movie next time it’s on and Tivo it just for this scene alone.
I haven’t let my boss in on the fact that I think he’s a posturing, self-absorbed, windbag, who is the worst micromanager ever.
He eats stupid food for breakfast, the overblown douche.
But give me a couple of months, and I believe I will have a chance to say my piece.
:eek: