Overheard at a campground a few years ago.
Ignorant piece of trash: “Fuck you Earl, you loser!”
Ignorant piece of trash’s brother: “No! Fuck you Mike! I’m a good dad! Even when I was on crack I still took my kids to the fucking park every day!”
I shit you not.
I don’t believe in astrology!
I don’t believe that ancient astronauts built the pyramids!
I believe that the theory of evolution is the best explanation for the diversity of life on this planet!
When asked at worked who did number two and didn’t flush, I will admit it was me.
I feed my animals. Every single night. I’m so good.
StG
I file my tax returns! Every year!
I’m faithful to my husband.
I give to charity.
I vote.
I voted!
I do not pee in the shower.
Since when is that a bad thing?
His boss? Like mob boss? Crime boss? I’m kind of disappointed that my employer has not given me a certificate for not stabbing all the incomptetent reporters in the head with my good red pen.
Um, I do not stab stupid reporters in the head with pens. As much as I would like to.
Funny. That little speech always annoyed me. It certainly wasn’t dad’s obligation to work extra to get him through medical school. Dad could have said at 18, good luck with your future and the young man would have worked his way through school. Instead, Dad doesn’t retire, he works an extra 8 years. Is that what he is supposed to do? I don’t think so. I think he deserved a lot of respect and appreciation for his sacrifices. I think SP character was a little shit in that scene.
I don’t get hammered when I have work the net day then call in sick!
I don’t scream at clients for being penny-pinching f*ck-wads who are the most annoying part of my life right now.
I refrain from asking others if they hear the voices too.
I feed my cats every day, give them fresh water. And I always wash my hands after I go to the bathroom.
And I when I’m volunteering at the hospital information desk, I don’t flip people off when they ask stupid questions.
I chew with my mouth closed!
I rewind the video tapes. Every time.
Yeah, yeah, it’s a rural library. We’re moving to DVD, but things move slowly in these parts.
I haven’t killed anyone!
I haven’t told my current company to go get fucked!
I wear clothes when I leave the house!
I don’t eat children!
I wear underpants. Every time.
I don’t tell smokers how their bad habit is slowly causing them to develop cancer and die.
The other day when I told my boss I was going to quit my job and become a bounty hunter I didn’t leave the building and purchase a rifle. If I ever do quit my job to become a bounty hunter I will give at least 2 weeks notice.
I don’t push people down the stairs.
I’ve never been arrested.
I never slap my co-workers, no matter how hard they work to earn it.