Take the Vanity Fair "Proust Questionnaire!"

In My Humble Opinion
1

For those of you who can plough your way through the perfume ads and baby starlet interviews, and actually read the occasional good articles in Vanity Fair . . . Ever see the last-page “Proust Questionnaire” they give some celeb? It has nothing remotely Proustian about it, of course, it was compiled by one of the Vanity Fairies. ButI thought we might like to pretend we are the Flavor of the Month and answer it ourselves:

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

• Which living person do you most admire?

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

• What is your greatest extravagance?

• What is your favorite journey?

• On what occasion do you lie?

• Which living person do you most despise?

• Which talent would you most like to have?

• What is your current state of mind?

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

• Who are your favorite writers?

• What is your motto?

2

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Never having to clean house ever again

• Which living person do you most admire?

There was a young woman who worked for me 17 years ago – she had just left an abusive marriage, she had 3 sons and was pregnant with her fourth. She was a full-time student, she worked part-time for me at the college and part-time at a nursing home. I never heard her whine about her situation. Her children were polite and obviously well-loved. I lost track of her long ago, but she made quite am impression on me.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Lack of drive – lately, I don’t want to do anything. I get no joy from work or leisure activities. I hate that my enthusiasm seems to be gone.

• What is your greatest extravagance?

My cable internet connection. At heart, I’m a very cheap person.

• What is your favorite journey?

Away, alone.

• On what occasion do you lie?

Generally to spare someone’s feelings.

• Which living person do you most despise?

My soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law – she’s is truly a waste of oxygen and protoplasm.

• Which talent would you most like to have?

I wish I could dance.

• What is your current state of mind?

Frazzled.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A dancer.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Self-loathing

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Intelligence

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Intelligence

• Who are your favorite writers?

Woody Allen, Sue Grafton, Jane Austin… dunno – my tastes vary

• What is your motto?

Don’t fret over things you can’t control

3

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Me and my man with a whole lazy unplanned afternoon stretching out before us.

• Which living person do you most admire?
Nancy Reagan and other saintly wives of Alzheimers victims.
• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Laziness. I am also ashamed of overly “female” emotions.
And ashamed that I am ashamed of them. And so on.

• What is your greatest extravagance?
Obscure ingredients for my cooking habit.
Clothes.
• What is your favorite journey?
Becoming increasingly comfortable in your own skin.
Or Disney World.
• On what occasion do you lie?
To spare feelings or keep someone out of my business.

• Which living person do you most despise?
Anyone who is totally blindly partisan-on either side.
And I guess the form response these days would be Bin Laden, no?

• Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I sang as well as I think I sound in the shower.

• What is your current state of mind?
Unhappily chained to a desk in a cubicle farm.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Gosh-endless possibilities! I would definitely want to be a person, though. After living as a being with (relatively) higher consciousness, the idea of coming back as a field mouse or a stump is vaguely disturbing.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The type of loneliness where the person does not find their own company to be good enough.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?
Sense of humor

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Sense of humor

• Who are your favorite writers?
I’m a humor gal. PJ O’Rourke, Paul Reiser, Mike Loew, Dave Barry, etc.
• What is your motto?
Life is way too short to to fret over stupid sh*t.

4

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being loved and loving back, owning a townhouse in London and always having enough money to not have to worry about it.

• Which living person do you most admire?

Tricky one. Philip Pullman for being able to write so engagingly and intelligently. I’d love to have half this man’s talent.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Self-destructiveness.

• What is your greatest extravagance?

Good food.

• What is your favorite journey?

The Number 73 bus route through London. It passes everything that epitomises the very best of the city. Grand Georgian terraced houses, odd little shops, sudden green parks, monuments and statues and a million and one pubs.

• On what occasion do you lie?

When I’m ashamed.

• Which living person do you most despise?

President Mugabe for his regime in Zimbabwe.

• Which talent would you most like to have?

I’d love to be able to draw.

• What is your current state of mind?

A little bored, a little restless. In need of stimulation.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I wouldn’t want to be anything other than a human. Other than that, I not picky. I wouldn’t mind giving being a man a go.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Loving someone who will never love you back. Being rejected.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Intelligence and silliness in equal measures.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Again, intelligence and silliness in equal measures.

• Who are your favorite writers?

Philip Pullman, John Irving, Terry Pratchett, Bill Bryson.

• What is your motto?

Don’t waste your life.

5

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Living with a background of love.

• Which living person do you most admire?
I don’t know.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Pathetic self destructive paralytic laziness, inability to learn clear and correct lessons presented to me by experience of results of laziness.

• What is your greatest extravagance?
Good food, more pretty clothes than I need

• What is your favorite journey?
The train journey from Exeter to Totnes. The train journey from Lancaster to Ulverston. Both involve water. I also like the bus journey from my house to Barrow, and the number 11 London bus. And the number 73 London bus, but I can’t say that because it would be copying Francesca.

• On what occasion do you lie?
When someone is too close to uncovering an example of my most deplored trait, of course.

• Which living person do you most despise?
Osama bin Laden, Robert Mugabe and those like them who refuse to understand the basics of humanity. Sorry for copying. I didn’t have an original answer.

• Which talent would you most like to have?
Singing.

• What is your current state of mind?
Ready for action, but unsure how to begin. Mildly worried.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Horse. Scotsman. Trowel.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Bing sure that one is despicable, with every other person either a real or imagined tormentor.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?
Silliness. Should be intelligent and interested in things, but must not intimidate me intellectually.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Silliness. Should be intelligent and interested in things, but must not intimidate me intellectually.

• Who are your favorite writers?
Peter Carey, Thomas Pynchon, Annie Dillard.

• What is your motto?
It shouldn’t, but it does.

6

It’s only fair for the thread-starter to chime in on these things:

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being locked into the Lincoln Center Theater Research collection over the weekend, with full access to a photocopier.

• Which living person do you most admire?
Welsh writer Jan Morris, for a variety of reasons.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Laziness.

• What is your greatest extravagance?
Writing books that make no profit. Oh, and cabs.

• What is your favorite journey?
“To bed, to bed.” Alone, I might add, with a cup of tea and really good book.

• On what occasion do you lie?
During my yearly Employee Evaluation, when they ask me about my Goals for the Upcoming Year.

• Which living person do you most despise?
A certain jealous author who’s been badmouthing me for the past ten years (my book OUTSOLD yours—get over it, you schmoe!).

• Which talent would you most like to have?
Tap-dancing. And piano-playing. Tap-dancing WHILE piano-playing would be too much to ask.

• What is your current state of mind?
Blank.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
My own books. As I don’t believe in reincarnation, that IS what I will “come back” as.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Nausea. I can take anything but that. I would be a terrible bulemic.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?
I’m going with Francesca, here: intelligence and a sense of humor.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Intelligence, a sense of humor and the ability to accessorize.

• Who are your favorite writers?
Dickens, Booth Tarkington, historian Stanley Loomis, Olive Higgins Prouty, Dorothy Parker, J.P. McEvoy.

• What is your motto?
“Be Bold with Bananas”

7

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being in a kitchen and cooking and feeding my friends and family, but having a self-cleaning kitchen.

• Which living person do you most admire?

My mother, because she’s put up with my crap for so long, and still finds it in her heart to love me.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Self-doubt

• What is your greatest extravagance?

Spa days, with facials and manicures and pedicures (when I can afford them)

• What is your favorite journey?

The path that life has taken me so far.

• On what occasion do you lie?

When I know someone’s feelings will be hurt if I tell the truth.

• Which living person do you most despise?

I can’t honestly say that I really despise anyone. I do have people on my bad side, but I just don’t have that kind of deep-seated hatred for anyone.

• Which talent would you most like to have?

Musical talent.

• What is your current state of mind?

With the day I had yesterday (I got laid off, set my hair on fire, and had a 1/2" splinter get jammed under my right middle finger), it’s a mixture of being hungover and hopeful that today will be better, yet afraid to go outside and test that.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A golden retriever

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Having no love in your life

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Knowing the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

The ability to pick men that will treat them well and avoiding men that are obviously bad for them.

• Who are your favorite writers?

M.F.K. Fisher, Antonia Fraiser, Joseph Campbell

• What is your motto?

“With all its sham drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.”

8

While Proust may not have written these exact questions, he did play this game with friends. James Lippton has bastardized the concept a little more and regularly asks his guests a series of similar questions on his TV show.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Warm sun, an ocean breeze, clear sky, my daughter by my side.

What person do you most admire?
My father. A man who was born impoverished and in a atmosphere that didn’t inspire much hope of anything but more poverty. By his own force of will he’s become successful, well-read, and well travelled. Plus, he’s incredibly bright and can build, maintain, and repair anything.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I tend to put other people’s feelings above my own long after I should have taken the more selfish position.

What is your favorite journey?
I can’t think of a journey more interesting than life itself.

On what occassion do you lie?
I used to lie to save other’s feelings, but I realized how incredibly useless that excercise is. I now tell the truth in all matters. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Which living person do you most despise?
George W. Bush. A small, petty, smug man who has only managed to do as well as he has because of the talents of those around him.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to play the piano well.

What is your current state of mind?
Disenchanted.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Mt. Everest

What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
Death of my child.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Forthrightness

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Confidence

Who are your favorite writers?
Dickens, Chandler, Hammett, Leonard, McCullough

What is your motto?
It is what it is.

9

While Proust may not have written these exact questions, he did play this game with friends. James Lippton has bastardized the concept a little more and regularly asks his guests a series of similar questions on his TV show.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Warm sun, an ocean breeze, clear sky, my daughter by my side.

What person do you most admire?
My father. A man who was born impoverished and in a atmosphere that didn’t inspire much hope of anything but more poverty. By his own force of will he’s become successful, well-read, and well travelled. Plus, he’s incredibly bright and can build, maintain, and repair anything.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Fiine clothing

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I tend to put other people’s feelings above my own long after I should have taken the more selfish position.

What is your favorite journey?
I can’t think of a journey more interesting than life itself.

On what occassion do you lie?
I used to lie to save other’s feelings, but I realized how incredibly useless that excercise is. I now tell the truth in all matters. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Which living person do you most despise?
George W. Bush. A small, petty, smug man who has only managed to do as well as he has because of the talents of those around him.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to play the piano well.

What is your current state of mind?
Disenchanted.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Mt. Everest

What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
Death of my child.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Forthrightness

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Confidence

Who are your favorite writers?
Dickens, Chandler, Hammett, Leonard, McCullough

What is your motto?
It is what it is.

10

Oops. If the moderator would be so kind as to delete that first post it would be most appreciated.

11

Do I have to answer the questions within 15 seconds?

ahem

::singing::

Proust, in his first book, wrote about (wrote about)…

12

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Having the confidence, motivation and wherewithal to live my life to its fullest with no regrets.

• Which living person do you most admire?

Yoko Ono. It couldn’t have been easy to be married to John Lennon. To be so hated and so in the public eye and yet to retain her own identity.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My tendency to let fear of failure stop me from pursuing something. Well, that and laziness.

• What is your greatest extravagance?

Buying whatever the hell I want at the grocery store regardless of the cost.

• What is your favorite journey?

Hmmm.Tough one. I love to travel so much it’s hard to pick one. I’m going to pick the trail in Sequoia National Park between Circle Meadow and Bear Paw High Sierra Camp.

• On what occasion do you lie?

I do phone support. I lie everytime I answer the phone in a cheerful tone.

• Which living person do you most despise?

I think that’s a toss up between the cousin who molested me when I was just a wee little girl and my step-mother who is continually trying to sabotage my relationship with my father (as well as all the other mean things she does – i.e. sending me a box of pictures taken throughout my childhood with black magic marker x’s on my face - as a wedding present).

• Which talent would you most like to have?

I’d like to be able to accessorize so that I could impress Eve. I’d also like to be able to tie a cherry stem with my tongue – to impress every man on the planet.

• What is your current state of mind?

Partly cloudy.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A really surprised person as I don’t believe in reincarnation.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

A life of wasted potential due to overwhelming outside forces of oppression, the snuffing out of a young life, etc.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Wit.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Wit.

• Who are your favorite writers?

Mark Twain, Terry Pratchett, Dorothy Allison, George R.R. Martin, Douglas Adams.

• What is your motto?

If short people got no reason to live, I’d say that’s just one more reason not to piss us off.

13

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?
To have fallen in love with someone who has fallen in love with me.

• Which living person do you most admire?
Nelson Mandela. For me it isn’t a cliche. I AM South African and I know what he has accomplished because I see it everyday.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Lazyness

• What is your greatest extravagance?
Chocolate (i’m a man of simple tastes k?)

• What is your favorite journey?
Hiking through empty valleys and mountains.

• On what occasion do you lie?
To protect those I care about.

• Which living person do you most despise?
Robert Mugabe

• Which talent would you most like to have?
A work ethic.

• What is your current state of mind?
Turmoil, but with a grin :slight_smile:

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
If I could choose I would come back as the Internet because I would never die and I would know everything that human kind knows. I guess I just want to know how it’s going to end…

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Loneliness.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?
Open mindedness

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Open mindedness
(why would it be different? We are pretty much all the same)

• Who are your favorite writers?
Terry Pratchett, Stephen King, Zapiro.

• What is your motto?
“There’s more to living than only surviving
Maybe I’m not there but I’m still trying.”
-The Offspring

14

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
To be comfortable in my own skin,

Which living person do you most admire?
My SO, who keeps going despite many reasons to give up.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Laziness.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Books!

What is your favorite journey?
Somewhere with big trees and water.

On what occasion do you lie?
To save face.

Which living person do you most despise?
Anne Coulter.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Singing.

What is your current state of mind?
Disorderly.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I’d like to be a person - someone in another part of the world. Or a redwood tree,

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
When I criticize myself and know I am right.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Generosity and class.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Generosity, class and being her own person.

Who are your favorite writers?
Dave Barry, Roger Zelazny, Andrew Greeley are on todays list.

What is your motto?
“O God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to pull off hilarious pranks on everyone who pisses me off.”

15

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Love. Friendship. Confidence.

• Which living person do you most admire?

Too many to name.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I have an utter lack of self-conficence combined with an irrational fear of what others think of me. To put it bluntly, I’m a coward.

• What is your greatest extravagance?

CD’s. (what do you want from me? I’m a college student!)

• What is your favorite journey?

Any trip to somewhere I’ve never been. (Bonus if said place has waterfalls and mountains.)

• On what occasion do you lie?

When others know I’m kidding.

• Which living person do you most despise?

I don’t

• Which talent would you most like to have?

Physical grace.

• What is your current state of mind?

Stressed and lonely

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

Another person.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Self-loathing.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Openness, maturity, and intelligence

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Ditto.

• Who are your favorite writers?

Neil Gaiman, Victor Hugo, Alexandre Dumas, Sei Shonagon, Charles DeLint, J.R.R. Tolkein

• What is your motto?

Always strive to be true to, and honest with, yourself.

16

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?
To wake up whenever I feel like it, look forward to my day, and to be able to go to bed at night knowing the day was good–this would involve overcoming challenges, doing creative things, helping people, eating good food, having sex, and listening to good music (not necessarily in that order).

• Which living person do you most admire?
My grandfather. Grew up in poverty, went off to fight WWII, worked his ass off and eventually became a huge success, raised a wonderful family (with exceptions), did work that benefited other people, retired, and has since spent his time enjoying life and helping both his family and his community in various ways.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I procrastinate.

• What is your greatest extravagance?
Three-way tie between books, music, and movies.

• What is your favorite journey?
The best ones I’ve been on have been to southern California, northern Minnesota, and Central America. My greatest journeys, though, I hope are in my future.

• On what occasion do you lie?
I’ve been known to lie in the name of diplomacy. Also, when I was single, on dates.

• Which living person do you most despise?
I know a child molestor.

• Which talent would you most like to have?
I’d like to be a math whiz. I also wish I was a better singer and could play an instrument.

• What is your current state of mind?
Cautious optimism coupled with mild anxiety–I’m in the midst of a lot of pretty major changes right now.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A successful person, but with a totally different life than mine (I hate re-runs).

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Excruciating pain coupled with loneliness and hopelessness.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?
Integrity. Brains. Humor.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Integrity. Brains. Humor. And, I’ve got to admit, good looks and sensuality are up there as well.
• Who are your favorite writers?
Sorry, I’m starting to get writers’ cramp and this will be a long one.

• What is your motto? Live with Passion and Honor; chase your dreams relentlessly; Love.
I know, I answered more than was asked. :slight_smile:

17

[ul][li]What is your idea of perfect happiness? [/li]
A bowl of chocolate brownie ice cream with Hershey’s Syrup.

• Which living person do you most admire?

Nelson Mandela.

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Selfishness.

• What is your greatest extravagance?

Tasty food.

• What is your favorite journey?

Dreaming.

• On what occasion do you lie?

When it’s easier than telling the truth.

• Which living person do you most despise?

Robin Gibb or Pol Pot (is he still alive?).

• Which talent would you most like to have?

Singing ability.

• What is your current state of mind?

Tired but content.

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A library.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Feeling unloved.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

Sense of humor.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Sense of humor.

• Who are your favorite writers?

Hemingway (I’m on a Hem kick right now), Martha Gellhorn, Kundera, Bulgakov, Antoine St. Exupery, Ralph Ellison, Stephen Dunn, Robert Penn Warren, Tolkien, and Betty Smith.

• What is your motto?

One breath at a time; alternate (I know it’s a cliche): If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.

[/ul]

18

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

curling up with a good book with the knowledge that there will be no distractions :slight_smile: I know. I’m a nerd. :stuck_out_tongue:

• Which living person do you most admire?

my mom

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

indecisiveness

• What is your greatest extravagance?
books & single malt Scotch

• What is your favorite journey?
living my life

• On what occasion do you lie?
when I think the truth won’t work too well

• Which living person do you most despise?
I can’t name a specific person. I don’t like folks who are abusive to others.

• Which talent would you most like to have?
the ability to do math!

• What is your current state of mind?
inebriated

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
the sky or outer space

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
feeling alone and unloved

• What is the quality you most like in a man?
intelligence and kindness

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?
intelligence and kindness

• Who are your favorite writers?

Octavia E. Butler, Toni Morrison, Ralph Ellison

• What is your motto?
“Everything is somewhere.” wise words from a friend of mine

19

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Swinging in a hammock on a secluded beach, redolent of coconut, with a warm breeze wafting in from the sea. The sky is a fiery red, as the great, swollen sun sets into the ocean. I’m slightly drunk on pina coladas, playing my guitar, and the woman I love is smiling. That would make me pretty happy I figure.

• Which living person do you most admire?

Hmmm, maybe James Randi?

• What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Social avoidance/shyness

• What is your greatest extravagance?

Extra-vagance? What is this? I’m so broke, I guess I’d have to say cable internet. It’s the only non-necessity I have.

• What is your favorite journey?

Probably Open Arms or Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) :slight_smile:

• On what occasion do you lie?

It’s rare that I utter an out-and-out falsehood. I usually just mislead by omission of information.

• Which living person do you most despise?

Can’t think of anyone. Lots of “celebrities” annoy me, but I can’t care enough about them to actually despise them. No one in real life I really despise.

• Which talent would you most like to have?

To be charming and witty.

• What is your current state of mind?

Stuck in a rut…Stuck in a rut…Stuck in a rut…

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I know nothing about how reincarnation is supposed to work. If I could come back as anything, I’d give being a person another shot I guess.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Being in a relationship with someone you’ve grown to despise, working at a job that completely crushes your spirit, and going gradually insane.

• What is the quality you most like in a man?

laid-backness? Is that a word?

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?

wit

• Who are your favorite writers?

Stephen King, J.R.R. Tolkien, Carl Sagan, Harlan Ellison, Douglas Adams.

• What is your motto?

“A billion red chinese don’t give a shit.”

20

First of all, I would just like to add:
Hey-tevya-I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue!
Taught myself in high school.
Thanks! I’ll be here all week!

and secondly:
Does anyone notice that almost all of us have listed laziness as our most deplored trait? Interesting, no?
Maybe we should try to figure out why. Powwow about ways to overcome laziness. Or something.
Maybe.
Whatever.
Is it 5 oclock yet?