There are many things in life which are satisfying but taking a good dump must surely rate among the top 5.
At first you feel the urge, the bodily functions and especially those of your alimentary canal take over, a feeling of fullness so to speak.
You grab a newspaper and light a ciggie, stroll into the bathroom and lower yourself onto the seat of the bog.
At this point a feeling of well being overcomes you, your sphincter relaxes and out it flows/plops or whatever…aaah the relief and joy!
A concerned person will gaze between his/her legs to see the fruits? of their efforts, there it is…coiled smugly in the bottom of the pan, what is left of last nights curry/burger/kebab etc.
Rather than just wipe and leave it’s time to contemplate the ways of the world, to pontificate on how the human race would benefit if you were supreme overlord of all humanity.
You decide to take a piss just to pass the time and finish your cig.
“Plop, plop, fizz, fizz - oh what a relief it is!”
But why would you take a newspaper with you if the “urge” is already there and it “flows” right away. I get nerve deadness in my legs if I sit there long enough to read a newspaper or do the xword puzzle.
And you’ll be able to have the pleasures much longer in life if you eschew the cigs.
Oh, and it was probably not last night’s curry/burger/kebab. It was probably the previous night’s. I kept track of my first BM after my last pre-colonoscopy purging and it took 36 hours for the first BM after I ate the first post-'scopy food.
I know, TMI, TMI.
YBMMV
Agreed, curling off a fat one is one of the few simple pleasures remaining in modern life.
I rarely pinch off a loaf without some reading material to hand. I like to take my time, to savour the experience and squeeze until I’m running on empty. A lot of people might drop the kids off at the pool several times a day, but I’m an every other day kinda guy. I think it’s because I take so long and get through so much, that it takes me a while to fill up again.
As for wiping, I’m of the obsessive persuasion that will wipe and wipe until no traces of bum cigar are left. Sometimes this has led to bleeding, but I just can not fathom how people can briskly wipe a square of paper around their arse and lift their pants straight up. Talk about savagery. We’ve evolved the capabilities not to have skid marks on our drawers, thank you very much. A couple of times during drunken fumblings I’ve had the displeasure of peeling down a thong and seeing a chocolate swoosh winking back at me from the gusset. What a turn off.
I’ll throw my two cents in. Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl is a grand experience amongst life’s little things. Snapping off a deuce leaves me happy and refreshed. What a way to begin a morning! I tell you, after giving birth to a butt baby, I’m ready to tackle any chore that life might throw after me. Beaming down a Shatner gives me a goal to shoot for, becaomse sometimes it’s just not Shatner…it might be Sulu and Scotty too. Then in that case, you’re there for a while.
What really sucks is if you have nothing to read while you’re releasing brown trout. You’ll end up reading the back of shampoo bottles or hair products while you’re working on stocking the pond.
Yes, as for wiping, you wanna make sure you get all the Klingons off Uranus after you’ve finished making chocolate soft serve. I don’t know why anyone would want a feeling of creamy goodness squishing betwixt their cheek-se-ses as they waddl happily back to their pre-blowing the butt trumpet status.
My favorite reading materials when coiling a steamer? I like ESPN the Magazine and the New Yorker. Ah, the New Yorker! The Cadillac of reading when you’re busy coronating Gluteus Maximus the Third.
Now that I think about it, I just might have to introduce the toilet to the bald man with the stinky cigar.
Dumping one of natures way of showing for a short time how good you CAN feel. When you are speeding to get home hoping to avoid a car accident in order to avoid a pants accident, the first relief is when you find no one is using the closest shitter. Then the 12 second dump gives a rush of relief.
When you take a magazine into the can and expect a liesurely evacuation nature has a surprise. Sneezing. One sneeze and you are sitting 6 inches higher. You can shoot a log at 50 mph and friction burn the tube. These are less satisfactory but interesting as what is posible for the human body.
For one thread, even. (Although, don’t feel the closing is the result of your post; no, this thread was was in the crapper from the beginning.)
Remember: this is MPStuffIMS, not MPShitIMS. Really, there’s no point to this thread other than to celebrate who can talk about their cocoa hot-dogs in the greatest detail. I think we can live without a gross-out contest.
