Any practical advice on how best to approach taking the car keys away from an aging parent? It’s not quite an issue…yet, but I don’t think it will be too long before it becomes one.
The biggest concern will be their ability to get someplace. Have a plan that either you or someone else will be available to take them shopping and to doctors appointments. You don’t want them to feel stranded and stuck at home for the rest of their life… and don’t expect them to suddenly want to take public transportation. If they need money for a taxi now and then, provide them with a voucher or the extra cash they will likely need when nobody is available to take them somewhere they need to go.
What alternative means of transport do they have at their disposal? Could you pave the way for a slightly less painful withdrawal of driving privileges by sneakily encouraging increased reliance on modes of transport that don’t involve them driving? “It’s such a nice day, let’s take a stroll to the bus stop and save on gas.” “You know your granddaughter loves being able to drive you to the grocery store - it makes her so proud of having gotten her license.” That sort of thing.
It certainly isn’t a complete answer, but it might help make things easier when the time comes.
ETA: kinda ninja’ed by dolphin boy!
When I was teaching drivers safety for AARP we had a section of the class where we discussed how to deal with this very issue. Check out the AARP website and you will probably find helpful information on when it is necessary and what is the appropriate way to handle it.
Note that no two situations are alike, and some older adults actually welcome not having the expense and responsibility of owning a car while others feel like it’s taking away their freedom.
It’s never an easy conversation to have, and you should have multiple short conversations that give them a chance to make the best decision themselves.
Here is some online information that should help you with the process… Safe Driving - When To Stop Driving Seminar from AARP
This might be the key. “You know, your driving is okay still, but someday, we’ll have to have a talk. How would you like me to handle that?” Less threatening in the abstract.
My brother just took my mother’s keys one day (or so she said). I wouldn’t recommend that. She was angry about that until she died,
This is a huge deal for elderly parents, both in terms of convenience, but also image, independence and mood.
Most vehicle licensing places test the eyesight of elderly drivers periodically to ensure they meet a reasonable standard.
Doctors are required to notify the ministry about people likely unsafe to drive, although strictly speaking they do not make any decisions. If there are solid medical reasons, this may be a better route.
I would not go along this route at all over vague future concerns, but of course situations vary widely.
This is a good resource. Thank you.
start teaching them to use Uber. And use it frequently, till they feel comfortable with it.
Then when you do take their keys, they still have their independence.
Also, check out Go Go Grandpa
https://gogograndparent.com
It’s a service for the non-internet savvy, non-smartphone generation.
You dial a regular phone number, speak with a human being, who orders you an Uber.
Two things I found helpful for having this conversation calmly was to bring it up before I was worried enough to take the keys away and to frame it as a discussion about how they want to deal with it and how I could help with that. It would have been better if I’d thought to do it before I started noticing new dings and dents on their cars and realizing that they were avoiding driving where I could see.
Both you and Procrustus made this suggestion, and I think it’s got a lot of merit. That way it can be discussed at a non-urgent time when no one feels pushed into anything. Gaining their cooperation to the extent possible seems a critical consideration.
Right. The sooner the better. I’m only 62 and a very skilled driver (IMO) If my kids approached me now about that future day, they might even get a commitment from me that I wouldn’t fight them when they believed it was time. I know older people don’t like losing their freedom, but do they honestly think there’s a hidden agenda, or could it be that their kids are doing what is right for you and the public at large?
Alternate means of getting where they need to go is, as others have noted, KEY in the conversation.
My in-laws lived in Florida. MIL had not driven for years (she still had her license, but after a serious illness she just was too nervous to). FIL did, and was frankly scary. He’d had two at-fault accidents during the last few months of their car lease.
As the family was paying for that expense, we all agreed NO MORE CAR. FIL kept his license just in case but never used it; he was going to, when they wanted to evacuate from a hurricane, but we handled it by my flying down there and doing the driving. The car went bye-bye when FIL was 82 or so, I think.
Their community had a bus that went to certain local destinations (grocery, WalMart etc.) every day, and their county had a senior transit service that was… not always as reliable as it ought to be, but between that, and the occasional taxi, they were covered. Grocery delivery service was a huge help also. There was no family anywhere near, so they had to rely on those various services. Note that after-hours transportation availability should also be a consideration; they had trouble finding a cab to get them home after an ER visit at 11 at night (and I was similarly stranded at an ER for several hours, in another large city).
MIL was actually happy to be rid of the car (or so she said, frequently). FIL didn’t say that, and I think was rather disgruntled, but they didn’t have the means to pay for one themselves, so he really had no choice.
Where my daughter lives: if you can’t drive yourself, you’re screwed; virtually no taxi service available (which led to the fun experience of my having to walk a mile at midnight, to get to my hotel from the train station).
As far as having the actual conversation with the parents, I don’t have a lot to offer, beyond what I’ve heard others suggest over the years - things like talking to the parents’ doctor and so on. Good luck!
We looked at the Go Go Grandparent service at one point a couple years back, and wound up not pursuing it for a number of reasons (there’s a stiff surcharge, and there were some complaints about reliability). Plus if you are in an area where Lyft / Uber are scarce, it wouldn’t work (e.g. my daughter’s town).
Please be aware that if your elderly parents have not been deemed to lack competency, and do not consent to you taking the keys from them, you don’t have the legal authority to take keys away from them. The Department of Motor Vehicles can, if it has reason to believe they are not safe to be on the road. In many states, they require in-person drivers’ tests for people over a certain age.
That certainly was my mother’s view of the situation.
My mom’s eyesight’s okay, it’s her reactions and judgement.
She snuck off to the DMV (“I knew that if I asked you to come with me, you’d tell them I’m too old!”) (So mature…).
She’s pushin’ a hundred and they just took her check and renewed her license …for another eight years!
We found out she could’ve been getting rides from the retirement home she lives in, or Ubers, but she “didn’t want to inconvenience anyone”.
Finally, I totaled my car, so she gave me hers. She decided that was a sign from the Lord that she should stop driving…
I’d been saying for years: “Will hitting a pedestrian be a good enough sign from the Lord, Ma? And do you really want to wait until after you do that?”
I’d suggest kicking them in the nads, then pinning them to the ground. At that point it should be easy to take the keys and even some snacks as you make your escape.
But seriously…
I definitely advocate the conversation years beforehand, if possible. This doesn’t guarantee a good outcome, but think it certainly improves the odds. In my family it didn’t go well with my mother, though my father is more amenable.
And this is a serious issue. Driving a car is the most complex task most people do every day. It involves both psychomotor and cognitive fitness, and doing it safely isn’t just about the driver. It’s about other people. My grandfather never got into a car accident - he CAUSED lots of them, and spent his later years wondering what the hell was wrong with everybody else, never realizing he was the problem. This shouldn’t happen. It’s also why I plan to happily stop driving the moment it seems a good idea. I realize that’s not always simple, but I won’t have other peoples’ deaths on my consience.
“Honey? Be careful–some idiot’s going the wrong way on the interstate.” “SOME idiot??? There’s hundreds of them!!!”
My brothers and I had to do this with our mother. Her issue wasn’t so much slow reaction time (which she did admit to), but financial. For various reasons she could no longer afford car payments and insurance. We convinced her to sell her car to CarMax, and use the money to pay off some debts. She did this. So, now she has some extra money, but not enough for a payment and insurance. She has friends that help her get around, and we pick her up for family gatherings.
We’ve tried to convince her to use Uber, had her create an account, showed her how to use it, but she’s scared. That has been our and her biggest hurdle, she’s afraid of unfamiliar transportation options. My wife and I offered to call Uber and take a ride with her, to show her how easy it is. But, she won’t do it.
She says, “What if I just want to go somewhere.” My answer is, "It takes you 10 minutes to get downstairs anyway, so call an Uber, it will be there by the time you get downstairs. She doesn’t like that each trip costs money, even though we tell her a month of Uber (she doesn’t go out that much anyway) is still less expensive than a car payment and insurance.
Anyway, it’s a tough conversation, and I don’t envy you. Like others have said, have other options available, and ensure your parents that they aren’t being abandoned, and that you’ll pick them up for special occasions.
Oh gosh, this reminds me of the problems my wife had with her mother.
How compos mentis is the parent? Towards the end my wife’s mother had virtually no short term memory, so we could get away with saying “I don’t know Mom, where did you put them? I’ll go and see if I can find them.” And a few minutes later it was forgotten.
But dealing with a wilful person who refuses to accept that they are no longer competent to drive… I don’t know, you may just have to resort to blackmail force. As in, if you want me to keep helping you, you will have to do as I say about this. My wife had to do this a little earlier when her mother started trying to refuse to take her medications. It’s a horrible situation.
This is very key.
Anyone whose parent (or themselves) is over age ~60 (yep, sixty) needs to learn to use uber and Lyft right now while they still can. You can’t train a 90yo to do anything novel. They simply can’t learn any more than they can run a hundred yards or a dog can fly.
But you can persuade them to do more of something they already know how to do.
That difference is vast.
Prep them (and you) now for the infirmities to come. Including the recognition that a car costs real money just sitting but uber/lyft cost nothing until used. Showing them how much money they can save may help.
But the biggest thing, by far, is to start the process of learning how to get around without driving long before that’s necessary.