Wherein the Sweaty, Feculent Herd Learns a New Word
Book Of Dante, 7:23-49
Dante, as is his wont, was standing on the platform waiting for the GO conveyance, amid The Sweaty Feculent Herd. But Dante was happy, as many herdmembers were missing. For it is the season in which many of them do not go to their places of employment for weeks at a time, and therefore, there are less of them. Many take the younger herdmembers they have made with their spouses and travel to far and exotic places, such as a trailer that is 1/4 the size of their current home, and is packed amidst other similar trailers, all full of other herdmembers. Their progeny run and screech and cause them much stress and expense. The herdmembers call this “vacation”.
Dante prefers to vacation in the off-season, and therefore was enjoying the thinning of the herd. Lo! The conveyance approached. The bell was rung, and the herd, after it’s initial panic at the arrival of the great white and green metal monster, happily boarded, for dimly they remembered why they were there.
It is the way of the Masters of the GO to speak to the herd every day, and instruct them on the proper conduct expected of them. The Masters know that the droning of their voices calms the herd, so that they do not sweat or feculate too much. Now very occasionally, one of the Masters will also spend some time on “vacation” amongst the herd, for it is true that they must know the herd, and lie with them.
But the new Master of the GO did not know his herd. Dante was nervous as he heard the Master speak to the herd, as he did not have the Voice of Confidence. The herd, sensing this, milled uncertainly. But Dante became truly frightened, when he heard the Master say thus: “Please insure you take all your personal belongings when you de-train the train.”
Dante put his face in his hands. Surely there would be chaos.
“Mooooo?” asked one herdmember of another.
“Moooo…?” the other replied.
And Dante was sad. If the herdmembers truly tried to train the train not to be a train, blood would be spilled. But Dante considered this, and was no longer sad. He smiled, for it can be amusing to watch the herdmembers come up with new ways to injure themselves. Thus does Reality TV thrive.
Just as some of the herdmembers were going to give the train engine a good talking to, the conveyance began to move. Disaster was averted. For it is known that the herd is mesmerized by the rolling along of the conveyance, alternately gaping at the same scenery they’ve seen every day for years, or falling immediately asleep and making strange noises, among them a small “Thweeep!” sound, which Dante cannot fathom.
The short memory of the herd is legendary. Indeed, tales are told of the Flat Faced Herdmember, who would forget how to walk between one step and the next, and frequently fall forward with a puzzled expression on his face. And so did the de-training of the train pass into the mists of time.
Upon arrival at the Station of the Union, the Master again made his announcement. Dante knew it was coming, and girded himself for trouble. “Please do not forget to take all personal belongings when de-training the train.”
The herd’s heads came up. Those who had entered the conveyance in the middle of it’s route were confused.
“Moooo?” they asked.
Those who had been with Dante at the beginning of the journey were aghast. They had forgotten to de-train the train! ‘Curse the bucolic scenery’ they bleated, in their way.
Dante exited the conveyance quickly. He wanted no part of this. Many of the herdmembers were headed to the engine of the great beast, in the attempt to make it forget all about being a train. Surely they were up to the job. They were sales managers, accounting executives. Suit jacket sleeves were pushed up, and Cross pens were removed from pockets. The herd was getting ugly.
Dante made his way quickly into the station. And as he was about to head down the stairs, he glimpsed the part time Master of the GO. He was smiling, and looking towards the front of the train. And Dante saw his nefarious purpose. He was to spread ignorance and discord among the herd, and to teach them a new word they would carry forward to other herdmembers at fondue parties, and teach it to their calves.
And Dante realized that there were those dedicated to keeping the herd stupid.
Dante cursed the Master, for He is of the opinion that the herd is quite stupid enough, thank you very much. But Dante also thanked the Master. For the Station of the Union was pleasantly uncrowded.
