Talk me down! (I'm unreasonably outraged by new employee behavior)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have an assistant who has been on board for about 4 months. She does good work and I have no particular complaints about her performance.

We had a board meeting today, in which she was included. It went one longer than usual as we had a lot to cover, and we were all anxious to leave when the discussion was done. At the end of the meeting, as we were all scooping up our papers in preparation for leaving, I realized the last agenda item is always “announcements,” so just to be thorough, I said, “does anyone have any announcements?”

The employee said, “Yes, I do. December 2nd is our next board meeting, so I want you all to know that it’s my birthday.” (As in, she wanted us to know because she’ll be there and wants us to recognize it, not that she is going to skip because she has plans.)

Okay, I know this is not a huge deal. But that kind of behavior is a huge trigger for me, as my mother was extremely demanding about the fealty she was owed for her birthday.

Example: once I was walking down the street and I spotted a lovely sake set in a store window that I thought she would like for her upcoming birthday. I went in and bought it (and one or myself as well, as I loved it) without even checking the price. It turned out it was very inexpensive, but that had nothing to do with my choice.

Well, there must have been a price tag left on the box, because after my mother received it as a gift she called me to yell at me for getting her a cheap present.

One generous explanation for her behavior is that I’d bought her a shitty sake set and just didn’t have the good taste to realize it. However, about 15 years later she was visiting and I used the sake set. She had long since forgotten (and given away or thrown out, I guess) the identical set I bought her.

“Oh my, that is so charming!” she enthused.

So with that as a typical story of my upbringing, you can imagine I am horrified when anyone pulls a, “look at MEEE!!! Pay attention to MEEE! It’s my BIRTHDAY!” routine.

No big deal, right? Probably the new employee was just hoping to get closer to the people in the community she is now part of.

But me? It’s going to take me a few days to get over how utterly horrified I am over that. Do talk me down and remind me it’s no big deal.

2

That seems like a completely inappropriate thing to say at a Board meeting for a variety of reasons. What was the reaction of the others?

3

Heh heh. The chair of the board said, “CairoCarol, isn’t your birthday coming up soon as well?” I said, “no, actually, my birthday was on our last board meeting! But, eh, I don’t expect any recognition,” said in what I hope was a throw-away, matter-of-fact tone, not pointed. (Which is what I was feeling.) Everyone else just kept on leaving without saying anything.

4

Yikes! Is she over 16 years old? That was really inappropriate.

I’d be tempted to not include her in the Dec 2 board meeting.

ETA: your response to the question about your birthday was perfect!

5

I’d say it’s a bit weird and inappropriate, but that you’re right to recognize that your reaction largely has nothing to do with her.

Lots of people make mistakes in their first 4 months at a job, and some of those mistakes can indicate a failure to apprehend what’s appropriate in different settings, groups, and circumstances.

6

Speaking as another person with a birthday in December, we quite often get overshadowed by all the Xmas nonsense. Maybe she was just hoping to get a little something in recognition before the onslaught of Jesus&Santa.

7

Please let us know what happens on Dec 2.

8

I won’t do anything rash, but at the moment I am thinking of telling her, “oh, we don’t want to take up time on your birthday - go enjoy the day with your family!”

9

Yeesh. One year a couple months before Christmas the dollar store had glass margarita glasses, clear with a green saguaro stem. We bought a half dozen and gave them to my sister-in-law. She loved them and we told her outright, “We’re glad you like them because it’d be six bucks wasted if you didn’t.” She laughed.

Sorry about your mom, but I would have told her the set she found charming a decade later was identical to the one given her.

10

90% of the problems in our lives are imagined. Maybe she grew up with a mother and father who never gave a shit about her and her birthdays. Maybe it gave her a complex at school when other kids talked about their own birthdays. Maybe she’s trying to make up for it now but doesn’t quite know how to go about it.

Give her the benefit of any doubt, maybe?

11

At least you have the insight to realize you’re unreasonably outraged by your new employee. While she shouldn’t have announced her birthday was next week, this is essentially a nothing burger. If you want to keep her away from the next board meeting, make sure she doesn’t view this as some sort of punishment. No reason to hurt your relationship with her.

12

It’s not the worst thing that someone can do and it just might be a personal quirk, but demanding recognition for your birthday is extremely childish. It’s something you get over before you become an adult. And this particular act was definitely unprofessional, but not horribly so. It would have been much worse if the CEO had done it.

13

Is this the assistant’s first job?

I ask, because different companies have different cultures. At my current workplace, management likes to recognize people’s birthdays. I was surprised by this my first year; I personally don’t enjoy that kind of social attention in a professional setting, so afterward I quietly requested to be excluded in the future. I don’t mind if other people enjoy and want it, but it’s not for me.

If she is new in this job after having been at a workplace like mine, she may take for granted that it’s an expectation.

There’s lots of possible context here that goes beyond “unprofessional nitwit.”

14

It’s hard to read without being there and knowing the people involved. Sometimes people will joke like that with no real expectations, just a dumb throwaway comment. Your feelings are understandable but this might be nothing worth getting upset about.

I would reserve judgment until that next board meeting. Just ignore the fact that it’s her birthday (or y’know just say “happy birthday” and tell her it’s a tradition that the birthday girl sings a song for the board). see how THAT flies, and then you’ll know what you’re dealing with.

15

Not her first job - she’s in her mid-forties and has held professional jobs in a variety of contexts.

I agree that some offices make a point of recognizing birthdays. However, when she came on board no one asked her when her birthday was (she’s a contract employee and we are a tiny non-profit with no HR department, so it’s not info we automatically gathered).

To be fair, she may have been present when we had cake for and gave presents to someone else a while ago (I can’t recall if she had joined us then or not - I think not, actually). But that individual has volunteered a gajillion hours for us and we’ve all known her for years - the recognition was based on genuine warmth and friendship, not some forced routine. I suppose it is a mitigating factor, however. But I’m with @Cervaise - even if a workplace did have a culture of recognizing birthdays, if no one asked me what mine was I wouldn’t blurt it out just so I could get cake and gifts from people I only slightly knew.

16

Yeah, that’s kind of really weird, but unless it’s part of a larger pattern of “me, me, me, me” behavior, then I’d just let it go.
I work with someone who is a flat-Earther and I would much rather have someone who calls attention to themselves one a year than someone you want to slap.

17

I mentioned my birthday recently at work because I’m taking the day off. (“Sorry, can we have the meeting on another day? That’s my birthday, and i always take a vacation day on my birthday.”) And my boss publicly wished me a happy birthday (it’s in two weeks) and then wished a happy birthday to another employee whose birthday is coming up. That felt weird, but harmless.

I worked in an office that celebrated everyone’s birthday. You were expected to bring treats for the department on your birthday, and you could get flack if people noticed that you didn’t. Yes, everyone wished you a happy birthday.

I think it’s weird to expect people to wish you a happy birthday at work, but i think some offices do that. I don’t think it’s a big deal if a new employee thinks it might be done at your office. Especially if there was recently a birthday celebration for someone else.

And if I’m being blunt, a birthday celebration for everyone seems healthier than a birthday celebration only for especially favored employees. If it’s really a recognition of extra work done, it should be framed that way, and not framed as a birthday party.

18

I agree with this. What she did (if this is the only thing), is mild in the inappropriate level, on the level that all people at times are normally inappropriate at times in their own way. I think it was handled appropriately in the form of ‘recognize one, recognize all’ and that brought that situation back to where it needed to be and set the direction of the board. Also since it was quick, well it would not trigger me with a quick comment, if it were long, then I would have a trigger issue, but those are my demons to fight, not yours.

But trigger issues are usually the straw that broke the camel’s back, and usually point internally to something in one’s life to deal with. You point out very well that this my have to do with your mom, so if you want to do self healing work I would say the time is right.

I wouldn’t have her sing a song, that could backfire and if it works well for her it may start a tradition that you don’t want, but a simple and brief happy birthday in context that gets quickly cut off with the agenda may be appropriate.

19

Also, was she actually suggesting that you have cake and presents at the board meeting? That seems utterly bizarre. I would have taken it as just a request that she be wished a happy birthday. Which is a little weird, but that’s a 30 second digression from the meeting, and one that i guess my department is going to be doing under my newish boss. And not really a big deal, i think.

20

Buy a “Happy Birthday” card and have anyone you can get hold of before the meeting sign it. Put it on the table in front of where she will sit. If she complains that this isn’t enough, then and only then you have problems.