Tantruming Toddler!

In My Humble Opinion
21

Well, I didn’t have much trouble with my two kids, mostly because I headed 'em off at the pass before it really started. As soon as they’d start up with the tantrum behavior, I’d send them to their rooms and wouldn’t let them out until they were calm again–they were convinced that the rooms were absolutely soundproofed and I did my best to keep them thinking that way.

Then my sister moved in with us. With her two year old. Who was an accomplished tantrum thrower with separation anxiety. Whenever he threw a tantrum his parents would make a big fuss over him, alternately threatening punishment (that never materialized) or bribing him to stop.

He threw tantrums starting at about a half an hour after she left for work, and they’d continue for HOURS. Day after day after day. I’d put him in his room and keep putting him in there no matter how much screaming and throwing things he did. Sometimes I’d have to tie the door shut to keep him in or else he’d come out and scream and throw things all over the house. This went on for MONTHS. EVERY DAMNED DAY. Never once did I give in, never once did I acknowledge that I could hear him screaming. The only thing I could hear was a civil voice asking “may I please come out now?” If he could stay cool and not throw more tantrum he could stay out, otherwise it was back in the room again.

At one point my sister came home during one of these exhibitions and started to go let him out. I told her flatly that as soon as that door opened, she’d be out of a place to live in minutes. She whined and damned near threw a tantrum herself, but I didn’t give in to HER either!

Upshot was, eventually the kid learned never to throw a fit around me again. He’d throw them for his mom, but not me. To this day, he respects me even though he grew up to be a pathological liar, cheat and thief–he’ll lie to me, but I tell him that I think he’s full of crap and he KNOWS never to steal from me.

So yeah, never give in, never give up and stay sane no matter what. Don’t let the pattern get established and you’ll all be ever so much happier in the long run.

They DO get over it eventually–if only because they turn 18 and you can throw them out… :wink:

22

I agree that this is sometimes the reason for tantrums. Every child will try, at least once and probably more than that, to get you to do something/give them something by whining, fussing and throwing a fit. In such a case, you must make it clear that these tactics will not work.

However, not all tantrums (particularly in young toddlers) are, IMO, an attempt at manipulation.

My take is that tantrums are often the result of frustration. Young children often don’t have the reasoning powers to redirect their energy when they are thwarted. They want to do a lot of things. This is good; they need to learn new skills and persistance is a wonderful trait. But so many of the rules that are imposed upon them are completely, to them, incomprehensible.

My tip for dealing with frustrated toddlers is to focus on what they can do rather than what they can’t. In the example you gave, Anahita, I would try to figure out what, specifically, your daughter wanted. Does she have a strong desire, right now, to climb? She can’t climb on the dishwasher, but there must be something in the house she can use to test her climbing abilities. (And, maybe she needs more walks/trips to the playground than she has been getting.) Or maybe it has nothing to do with climbing at all. Is she trying to join you in your chores? My experience is that young children have a very strong interest in doing what we are doing. Is there some way she can help? Can she put silverware in the drawer? Can she help you tidy up the kitchen by wiping the cabinet fronts with a damp sponge?

We have no choice but to spend a great deal of time protecting our toddlers from themselves. All those "No"s get tiresome after a while, for all concerned. It’s a very different mindset from the way I was raised, but consciously trying to find ways to say “Yes” has, I think, been a positive change.

My last thoughts are that all children are different. Some will take great comfort from being held during a tantrum, while others are only further enraged. You have to experiment and figure out what works best for your child. Most important, though, is keeping a cool head. When children tantrum (in a non-manipulative way) they are truly out of control, and that can be very frightening. If you make it clear that their anger does not frighten you, it takes the power away from emotions that can seem overwhelming. I try to get across the message that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to feel angry and frustrated and that we can choose how to react to those feelings.

23

ooh, ooh. another thing.

Being two (or so) is pretty frustrating. There’s all sorts of interesting things around, mostly out of your reach or that youcan’t touch, you get tired, in pain, stuff in your diapers, generally speaking not a lot of control over your environment. Some one else determines what you eat, what you wear etc. (not that I"m saying this is wrong per se).

I recall vividly, the archival family stories about my temper tantrums. ON a daily basis, I’d demand to wear a dress (pretty, frilly etc.) Mom would refuse “You’re going to wear overalls” I wanna wear a dress! etc etc. Finally, I’d say something like “you won’t even let me wear the pink ones” and she’d let me wear the pink ones, I’d agree to get dressed. All of which could have been avoided by allowing me to choose between **which ** overalls I would wear that day.

So, for my son, yes, I’d pick out his clothes (to make them weather appropriate), but would let him have choices whenever possible “do you want to wear your red truck underwear or your ninja turtles?”

it seemed to help.

24

I was grocery shopping and got in line behind a lady with a kid of about 3 in the cart (and two other older kids). The kid was SCREAMING as loud as possible over and over again “I WANT A NEW TOY! I WANT A NEW TOY!” She was ignoring him completely, focusing on the cashier, looking around- anything but looking at him. Naturally, his screams got louder as people turned to look at him and see what was wrong. Finally she turned to me (I was right behind her) and said “I am so very sorry for this”. (I was getting the worst of it being right there next to them). I looked at her and said “For what? You aren’t the one having a tantrum. I admire your method of dealing with it. I wish I could say I would have done the same.” She seemed very grateful and eventually left with said screaming kid (now REALLY screaming as he realized he was not getting a new toy).

I thought it was great that she DIDN’T give it, when it would have been so easy to just grab something and shut him up. The scene he was causing was tremendous, but she had great presence of mind and was strong through it.

Zette

25

Just adding another ‘it does get better!’

My daughter never really had tantrums. When she did I ignored her. She was, and still is, incredibly well behaved for most of the time. My twins are another story. They’re only fifteen months and they can already tantrum like nobodies business! I either try and distract them (pretty easy at this age) or just ignore them. Holding doesn’t work as they hate being restricted, so as long as they’re not in harms way and my ears can take the noise I just leave them to it.

26

I’m so very grateful to have you all here for moral support. Being alone in a different country, without family or friends for parenting advice/support is a challenge, and without all of you, it would be much more difficult.

If you would like to see a picture of said tantrumer, please visit the url listed in my profile. Some of the pictures are old ones, but the ones at the bottom are more recent.

It’s an honour to be a parent with all of you as my peers.

27

Father of a 21 month old. Funny you should mention this as not 10 minutes ago China bambina grabbed a notebook and pen out of adrawer and wanted to draw. sitting on the floor RIGHT next to her was a brand new box of crayons, and white paper. I tried the old bait-and-switch (which seems to head things off at the pass at least some of the time) and get her to use the crayons and take away the pen and notebook. Man, did she howl and the tears were running down her cheeks. I just held her, and a couple minutes later things are back to normal.

YMMV, but the alternatives thing works at least some of the time.

She had her 4 incisors start to come in maybe 2 weeks ago, and was real cranky for a few days. Hell, so am I when my teeth hurt. So with that, I’m not sure if it’s teething or the start of terrible twos. Actually, I hope that was part of the terrible twos, otherwise I’m gonna be in big trouble when that phase hits.

Our household is a bit of a mess since there is also a full time nanny (she cooks and cleans too!), and a lot of close relatives around who just want to coddle and give in to China bambina. I’ve never been tempted to slap my daughter, but boy my mother-in-law has come really close on a few dozen occaisions.

I should be in heaven, but I’ve got American parental values and have evolved into the designated heavy of this menagerie. I always thought I’d be the more fun Dad, but circumstances force me to be the fun Dad that’s also a meanie who doesn’t feed her cake, candy and a coke for lunch. I always thought I’d be the one to sneak her a sip of coke as her treat of the week type thing, but she gets way too much sugar already so the others get the spoil factor and I have to say no.:frowning:

Not to hijack but how y’all doing on the potty training? The weather warmed up, China bambina is wearing fewer clothes, and has keep her britches dry for the past week. The trick that’s worked for us is when she wakes up from a nap or in the morning, that she is just raring to get out to the living room to play. Once we moved the potty out there, it sure helped the process.

28

We have not started potty training yet. We have a potty, and have had for a few months, she knows what it’s for, sort of, and we’ve watched the Potty Video, but that’s it.

I sort of figured we’d wait till the summer, maybe August when we get back from holidays in the States. I also want to wait till she’s weaned, so that she doesn’t think having no boo-boo is because of the potty.

From most of what I’ve read, and this video, it says that waiting until the child is two years old is just fine, so we’ll do that. I’d rather wait, also, until she’s a bit past this teething thing.

Kudos on her staying dry! Yay!

29

You can get your revenge by videotaping the tantrums and playing them at every family get-together for the next four decades.

Just think of it as a coping mechanism.

30

I don’t really recall any of my tantrums, but , I know my sister had her fair share of them! And a LOT of them had to do with clothes. She was about 3 when we went to Florida for christmas, and for several months after that, she INSISTED on wearing a bathing suit every day. My mom decided that it wasn’t something that she wanted to get upset about, and so allowed it. As long as, when she went outside, my sister wore regular clothes OVER her bathing suit. Apparently that was fine with Jessica, because she still got what she wanted. She’d go to day care and take off ehr “outside clothes” and just be in her bathing suit all day, then get dressed again to go home. It worked, and it saved my mother and the day care people a lot of trouble, because, seriously, why NOT let her wear a bathingsuit in February? :slight_smile:

31

Our son, 4, never really had temper tantrums, per se. When he is really tired in the afternoon - he doesn’t nap anymore and hasn’t for over a year - he can become a two faced little devil.

Nothing appeases him: food, toys, cartoon, favorite video, going outside, playing in the basement, calling a grand parent, books, playing with playdoh, taking a bath, taking a shower, throwing clean laundry around the bedroom…so I tell him he as a choice, he can have quiet time on the couch or in his bedroom and he has to pick one by the count of three or * I * will. He always does and things quiet down.

Our daughter - 2 - is not called the Manipulator for nothing. She can turn on the crocodile tears in a heart beat. She’s just started throwing herself to the ground. We ignore this. If it becomes too much theatrics, she has to sit in a time out until she stops crying.
(One of us has to sit with her to ensure she stays put.)
We haven’t had any public tantrums with #2, but #1 was uncooperative in a store once and I told him if he did not behave I would take him out and we would go home without buying any groceries. He didn’t settle down and off I hauled him out of the store. He hasn’t caused a scene since.

My problem, really, and any suggestion is welcome, is trying to keep two kids in the cart at the store. Even with the Carts with the bench seat things before it and the seat belts don’t work.

Can I use a cattle prod in a public place if to control my children? :slight_smile:

32

My daughter is about 30 months and has some screamers. She seems especially sensitive to low blood sugar, so I try and feed her a lot - and if she gets too cranky, I’m not beyond putting Smarties in her mouth while she screams.

Other hints - learn the difference between the manipulative tantrum and the I can’t control myself tantrum. When she has truly lost it, my daughter needs extra hugs, cuddles, blankies, and yes, her bottle (only with water in in - I’m sure she will break the habit before college) to normalize. A manipulative tantrum she gets put into her room until she can join the rest of the family with a pleasant manner. Sometimes the manipulative ones can turn into the “I’ve lost it, Mom” ones.

It is a difference in kids, by the way. My son has never had a tantrum - he is three and a half. I don’t think he was raised that different, I think he is just a different kid. So it isn’t anything you have done or encouraged, it just is, and eventually, it won’t be.

33

in IMHO or Great Debates less than a month ago. It was titled something like “Is it ever OK to hit kids?” Unfortunately the ‘search’ function won’t accept words less than 4 letters long, so you’ll have to search manually.

Quoting Bryan Ekers, "You can get your revenge by videotaping the tantrums and playing them at every family get-together for the next four decades.

Just think of it as a coping mechanism."

I videotaped some of my little Princess’ tantrums and played the tapes for her. This seems to have shown her the light. After she had calmed down, her own bad behavior was seen in perspective.

Another thing- I noticed she never failed to get really cranky about an hour after ingesting large amounts of sugar. I helped her to realize too much sugar was causing bad moods. Now (at age six) she sometimes claims to be on a sugar-free diet.

34

You might look for “teething tablets” at your local herbal remedies shop. When my girl was teething we got some little white pills which were very effective, at the herb shop.

35

This might be kinda out of place, but there goes:

I have vague memories of some of the tantrums I had as a child (I’m 19 now). Of course this is selective memory, but I remember, on several occasions, that my “tantrum” was pretty horrific. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t stop being extremely sad. It wasn’t just out of control, it was accompanied by some serious emotions. Whether this was just me or typical of some tantrums, I don’t know. But be nice to the poor kid if this is indeed the case. :frowning:

36

Oh sweet refuge! Please welcome me with open arms! My son turned one last week and has started the “fits”! I always assumed that this wouldn’t happen until he was almost two at least. He’s been sleeping through the night for a long time (long enough to make me feel guilty when talking to other moms and dads) and I got cocky. Now he has started this “Let’s wake up at 1:00 am and scream” routine. That seems to be calming down but now the tantrums are starting. I know he is just testing me because he will cry and scream, stop long enough to look around (and sometimes smile!) and start again.
During the first one - experience parents you will get a kick out of this - I freaked. My husband (our very own FunLvnCrimnal) had just left to go to a meeting and the Monkey threw himself onto the kitchen floor and howled! Absolute howling! I felt his head, checked his ears, felt his tummy (just sure it was some sort of intestinal blockage that would require surgery of the most invasive and malicious sort) and finally called my mother-in-law. She noted that he quit crying whenever he got interested in something - the Swiffer, for example - and said “He’s just testing you. Let him lay on the living room floor while you watch TV and turn up the sound.” Lo and behold, he settled down. I rocked him a little and he fell asleep.
Side note - I don’t call my mom because her answer is usually something along the lines of (direct quote to follow): “Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?”
I don’t know if I have any helpful advice Anahita but I will say this: I am learning that some tantrums are just that: tantrums. As in “No, you can’t play with the steak knife.” “Waaaaa!” and those I just ignore. I usually lay him down on the ground because otherwise he will throw himself flat and I am afraid of him hitting his head. Other tantrums are because his is uncomfortable from new teeth, hunger, or mostly just plain tired. Those I hold him and rock him. And let me second the “Don’t give in” directive. I say establish it now so you don’t have to establish it when he wants to drive a stolen car drunk to school to shoot it up (OK, unrealistic and worst case senario, but you get the idea!)
And you have my sympathies. You sound like a really good mom. Tough it out - hell, you went through childbirth so you can get through this! Or you went through the difficult work of adoption so you can get through this! Whichever suits.