Why does Laura Bush have to be on top when she and GW have sex?
Because Dubya can only fuck up!
And why does he always have to wear a condom?
Because he doesn’t know when to pull out.
“All I need is a pair of skis, and I’m in heaven.”
Michael Kennedy
“So other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
Why does President Clintion’s breathe smell bad?
Because he smoked a cigar that had been in a chubby girl’s vagina!
It lacks something. I’m no good at this.
What do long-standing U.S./Canadian political disputes have in common with geriatric scat freaks?
Doodies on soft wood.
I’m so sorry.
Old. I originally heard this about Dick and Pat Nixon when Nixon was President, and I’m sure it goes back farther than that.
Here’s another:
Nixon watched the movie “Deep Throat” 5 times…
…but he still couldn’t get it down Pat.
And? There are no new jokes.
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and another to hold the ladder.
Those craaaaaaazy Republicans!
Because he dipped it in Monica instead of brandy.
(Does that help?)
How many supply-side economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None! The darkness will cause the light bulb to change itself!
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None! The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution!
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
100! One to change the bulb, and 99 to chant, “Fight Darkness!”
Three.
One to trip on the way back from the closet, smashing the lightbulb.
One to whine about all the light bulbs Bill Clinton smashed.
And one to point out that it’s not really THEIR job to change lightbulbs. You should be doing it yourself … you socialist!
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
From here
Q: How many Bushbots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions
are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence
are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has
served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.
Why do you hate America?
First they came for the Teletubbies,
and I didn't speak up,
because I wasn't a Teletubby.
Then they came for Spongebob,
and I didn't speak up,
because I wasn't a Sponge.
Then they came for the Muppets,
and I didn't speak up,
because I was a Snuffleupagus.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to say I wasn't gay.
The New! Improved! Iraqi Army - combining the intellectual strength of Mike Tyson with the raw combat power of Steven Hawkings!
Politics comes from the greek words “poly” which means “many” and “ticks” which means “bloodsucking insects.”
A Democrat will promise a man a fish, but good luck collecting on it.
A Republican will encourage a man to fish, and promise to show him how, if he can get past that starvation thing.
A libertarian will respect a man’s freedom to starve.
A Communist will take your fish for “the people” and then eat it himself.
Dave Barry’s explanation of the difference between Democrats and Republicans : Basically, if you were broken down by the side of the road, a Democrat would stop to help you but manage to set fire to your car. A Republican would have all the tools and abilities to help you, but would drive past, because he was late for Ugly Pants night at the country club.
So You’re Being Tortured To Death In An American Military Prison!
Q: Help! I’m being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A: First of all, you should get your facts straight. You’re not being tortured to death in an American military prison; you’re being interrogated to death in an American detainment facility. America does not tolerate torture.
Q: Is there any sort of legal representative or due process I could get before being beaten to death?
A: No. Lawyers, open legal procedures, and basic civil liberties are all tools the enemy can use to escape justice - the justice of being beaten to death in a prison camp.
Q: It’s just that my name is Musab Mohammed Khan, the pastry chef, and I believe you have me confused with Musab Muhammed Khan, the al Qaeda associate also known as “The Fist of Jihad.”
A: First, there are many terrorist pastry chefs, just as there are many terrorist pastries. Second, competent intelligence and accurate prison records are both tools the enemy can use to escape justice.
Q: I seem to be losing all feeling in my lower body. Is there a doctor in the gulag?
A: Please: we find the term “gulag” absurd and offensive. A “gulag” is Russian. You are not being interrogated to death by Russians. You are being interrogated to death by the greatest country in the world.
Q: Is there a more accurate term you’d pre- aaaa! AAAAAAAA!
A: We prefer “outpost of liberty” or “island of freedom.” Stringing together Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, and Bagram Airbase creates the Freedom Archipelago.
Q: So! Much! FreeedaaaAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!!!
Q: When I die in a few minutes, will my death help the cause of freedom?
A: Not really. But in a way, isn’t death itself just freedom from life - the greatest prison of all?
Q: Wow… you’ve HRAAACK totally blown my mind - and my lung and ribcage and my kneecaps!
A: Oh, don’t thank us - it’s all part of being tortured to death in an American military prison!
The average American wouldn’t know what the fuck leftism was if it came by and paid his medical bills.
There was an old “Weekend Update” on Saturday Night Live where the newscaster had a story about Scientologists being persecuted in Germany. The punchline was that the German authorities stated, “This is Germany, don’t worry, when we start persecuting you, you’ll know it.”
“The CIA…now functions in the same relation to President Bush as Pakistan’s ISI does to General Musharraf…For Musharraf, the problem is the significant faction in the ISI that would like to kill him. Fortunately for Bush, if anyone at the CIA launched a plot to kill him, they’d probably take out G. W. Bish, who runs a feed store in Idaho.” - Mark Steyn
The South may rise again, but the North will just kick their asses… again.
“America is at that awkward stage. It’s too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards.” – Claire Wolfe
If you want to blame someone, blame Saddam! He’s the one who didn’t have the weapons!
- Steven Colbert, The Daily Show
"The buck stops here." - Harry S Truman
"Buck, buck, buck? There is no buck." - George W. Bush
Don't Say:
Conquest
Do Say:
Regime Change
Don't Say:
Dead Children
Do Say:
Collateral Damage
Don't Say:
Bombs
Do Say:
Improvised Explosive Devices
Don't Say:
Occupation
Do Say:
Happy Fun Visit
Don't Say
Draft
Do Say
Patriot Raffle!
"The RNC has announced it's changing the emblem of the
Republican Party - from an elephant to a condom. The
Republican Nat. Chairman explained that the condom more
clearly reflects the Party's current stance - owing to the
fact that a condom accepts inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and
gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. "
The ingratitude of the Iraqis really burns me up.
It's just like this guy who lives a couple houses down from me. One of his
trees had a bee hive in it. I warned him that bees were dangerous and for
all he knew everyone in the neighborhood could be allergic to bee stings.
He was completely insane about it: "why not go get tested for allergies if
you're worried?" he kept saying. There was no time for that! The bees
could strike at any moment! Instead, I did what any sensible neighbor
would do -- I knocked down his fence, cut down the tree and set it on
fire. It accidentally fell on his house, caving in his roof and killing
his daughter. Then, when I set the tree on fire, the fire somehow spread
to the house, burning it to the ground. I explained that I hadn't meant to
kill his daughter or burn down his house, and what exactly were they doing
in the middle of a bee-exterminating zone anyway? Punching his grandma as
a regrettable necessity, as she was getting really uppity and ruining my
concentration. He refused to listen to reason.
What's worse, have I received so much as a thank you, either from him or
the other neighbors? No! All I hear is "the bees weren't hurting you" and
"now all the bees are in my yard". They totally ignore the fact that I
liberated their dog (who unfortunately got run over by a car). Ungrateful
bastards. I'm starting to think I should just find another bee hive and
leave it on their smouldering foundation
so we can forget this whole thing ever happened.
10 reasons Gay Marriage is wrong:
-
Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
-
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
-
Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
-
Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
-
Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
-
Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
-
Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
-
Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
-
Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
-
Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
"In a similar vein, we had a discussion once about Bill of Rights issues, and the remark was again thrown out: “What would the founding fathers say if they were in America today?” To which one of the participants immediately replied: "Brraaaaiiiinnnnsss…’ "
I often hear right-wingers complaining about the “nanny state”. Well, all I can say is that children need nannies, and if people are going to act like fucking children, they need a nanny state.
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to complain about the violation of the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the socket.
“Scripture also says ‘Render unto Caesar what Caesar demands.’ And right now, Caesar demands a building permit,” County Commission Chairman Mike Whitehead said.
“I think I’m pregnant.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
Err…how do you keep a conservative from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!
Yeah, I know…everyone’s heard it. But I still think it’s hilarious.
Or :
How do you keep a conservative from drowning?
Why ?
What do the Kennedys miss most about New England?
The runways!
In Australian politics, they’re true.
In the 70s, Doug Anthony, the leader of the Country Party (as it was known then) remarked proudly, “I am a Country member.”
Replied Labor Party Prime Minister Gough Whitlam, “I remember.”
No great fan of Gough’s, but I dips me lid to that’un.