How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
100,000, then 200,000, then another surge of 50,000…
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
We’ve made enough of a mess interfering with the lightbulb’s right to national sovereignty, and we need to remove ourselves from the situation.
A SOVIET-STYLE COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and give them to former chicken farmers, while providing you with chickens to raise.
“The last person ever to hear the word of God from a Bush was Moses.”
News story: “Survey indicates gay men don’t like Bush.” This is news?
With the changes in Congress from indictments and the 2006 elections, Democrats are optimistic of enacting some changes without Delay.
Richard Nixon is the kind of guy who, if he saw you drowning 50 feet offshore, would throw you a lifeline 30 feet long, and then have Kissinger explain that he’d met you more than halfway.
Famous last words
JFK: I need this motorcade like I need a hole in the back of my head.
Interestingly, “Isle of Freedom” was how Cuba once was denominated in official Soviet propaganda.
::: Later that day:::
Except for that Mrs. Kennedy, how do you like Dallas?
Or as we say in the Church of the SubGenius:
What should you throw a drowning Pink?
His wife and child!
I don’t get it. Maybe because I’m not Australian…
Here are a couple of puerile contributions, updated to be more current than when I first heard them:
Hillary Clinton is getting ready to accept the 2008 Democratic nomination. She’s silently going over her speech while the stylists do her hair, nails, and makeup. Finally all is ready.
“OK, Senator, you’re all finished!”
“What? Oh, yes. Would you shave my pubes, please?”
“Excuse me?”
“Shave my pubes.”
“Um . . . OK, Senator.” So they shave her pubes, then she gets dressed and goes out to accept the nomination.
“Hello, my fellow Democrats!” she says. “I’d like to thank you all so much for nominating me. I’ve only got one thing to say, and I think it’s something we all can be very happy about.” She pulls down her skirt: “NO MORE BUSH!”
President Bush is trying to convince Congress to let him invade Iraq. He goes before the House of Representatives to give a speech.
“Now before I say what I’m goin’ to say, I’d like to give you all a little demonstration,” says Bush. He walks over to the side of the chamber, where there’s a bust of George Washington. He presses a button on the back of the statue, and it opens up to reveal a big wooden box. He opens the box, and inside is a large, live snapping turtle.
Now Bush faces the Representatives, unzips his pants, and takes out his dick. He holds the snapping turtle and pokes it in the eye, causing it to snap onto his dick. Then, grimacing, the President slowly walks around the perimeter of the House chamber, hands on hips, the snapping turtle dangling from his crotch. When he gets back to the bust of Washington, he pokes the turtle in the eye again and it releases him. He puts his dick back in his pants and the snapping turtle back in the box.
“Now I just want to know,” says Bush, “whether any of you is man enough to do that.” Tom DeLay stands up.
“I’ll do it, Mr. President–just as long as you don’t poke me in the eye.”
Lyndon Johnson was over at the Supreme Court building one day and found himself in a men’s room urinal stall next to Justice Thurgood Marshall.
LBJ: I’ve heard you people are well-endowed . . .
MARSHALL: As you can see, it’s true. And you know what? It’s not hereditary. In fact, it’s a closely-guarded secret, but since you’ve done so much for me, I’ll share it with you. Do you have a four-poster bed?
LBJ: Yes.
MARSHALL: When you go to bed, whack your cock against a bedpost twenty times. It strengthens it, you see?
After a long evening at the office, LBJ goes to bed. Lady Bird is already asleep. LBJ follows Marshall’s instructions. “WHACK-WHACK-WHACK-WHACK . . .”
Lady Bird wakes up. “Thurgood?! Is that you?!”
(Alternate punchline: “Lyndon! Stop acting like a goddamn nigger and come to bed!”)
“I am a cunt, remember.”
Abe Lincoln with a hangover:
[works best with visual effects – eyes squinting, pained/sick expression, mime abortive vomiting with hand on lips]
"Ah freed the whut?!"
Reporter: Mrs. Chrétien, now that your husband is leaving the Prime Minister’s Office, what are you looking forward to the most?
Mrs. Chrétien: A penis (said with a thick French-Canadian accent)
Crowd: <gasp!>
Mr. Chrétien: No, no, Aline… It’s pronounced 'appiness. (spoken with best Jean Chrétien impersonation)
Overheard at Clinton’s private meeting with a White House chaplain:
“What do you mean it doesn’t say, ‘Thy Rod shall comfort thy Staff’?”
Why does Maria Shriver have sex very slowly?
She has a Governor on her!
That’s actually what cracked me up, lol.
Bill Clinton goes out jogging around the capitol mall by the Washington Monument, and when he gets a little bit away from the Secret Service, he mutters to himself, “Things are lousy. I wish I could figure out what to do next.” Suddenly, he hears the voice of George Washington saying, “Avoid foreign entanglements!” That day, Bill issues a press release anouncing a more isolationist policy, and that works for awhile.
He goes out jogging again, and as he’s passing the Jefferson Memorial, he mutters to himself, “Things are still lousy. I wish I could figure out what to do next.” Suddenly, he hears the voice of Jefferson saying, “Blame the other party!” That day, Bill holds a press conference and lashes out at the Republicans. That works for awhile.
A few weeks later, he goes out jogging again, and as he’s passing the Lincoln Memorial he mutters to himself, “Things are really lousy now. I wish I could figure out what to do next.” He hears the voice of Lincoln, “You’ve been working too hard. Maybe you should go see a play this evening.”
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to get her bitch ass up the ladder and the other one to suck my dick.
*…while I supervise. *
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to be the president. The problem is after he has committed all the money and manpower to the job the bulb will be found not needing to be changed. Lack of a planning will cause the bulb to get broken so it’s good that we are here to change it. Not only that, I’m sure other bulbs in the area need changing as well.