[QUOTE=Airman Doors, USAF]
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to get her bitch ass up the ladder and the other one to suck my dick.
[/QUOTE]
An alternate punchline to that one is: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!
What’s the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
One’s a flaming Nazi gasbag. The other’s a dirigible.
Clinton-era: A poll was taken of a thousand women in the DC area asking if they would ever have sex with the president. Seven out of ten said, “Never again!”
One day Clinton was jogging and spotted a hooker on the corner. He jogged up to her and said, “Hey, sweetcheeks! What’s the toll?”
HOOKER: Three hundred dollars.
BILL: Three hundred dollars?! Back in Arkansas it only costs me fifty dollars!
HOOKER: Well, you’re in the big city now, Mr. President! Choice quality goods! Three hundred dollars!
Bill gives up and jogs on.
The next day Hillary says, “We should do more things together. Why don’t I go jogging with you today?” Bill says, “OK.” They jog past the same corner where the same hooker is standing. She shouts out, “There! You see?! You see what you get for fifty dollars?!”
George Bush goes out jogging one morning. He’s so distracted by his thoughts over how badly things are going in Iraq, that he fails to notice he’s stepped in front of an oncoming car’s path. A group of school children rush out and pull him out of the way.
Bush: Thank you, children! Since I’m the President, is there anything I can give you to thank you for saving my life?
Children: A burial plot in Arlington National Cemetary.
Bush: Okay, why?
Children: Because when our parents find out what we did, they’re going to kill us!
(That joke, BTW, was told by a North Korean to break the ice at a meeting with some South Koreans.)
JFK, Nixon, and Carter were on the Titanic when it hit an iceberg.
Carter: Women and children first!
Nixon: Fuck 'em!
JFK: Can we?
Democrats wand to end rape by making prostitution legal.
Republicans wand to end rape by keeping all women under lock and key.
Nobody wants to end rape by locking up rapists.
[QUOTE=Der Trihs]
The ingratitude of the Iraqis really burns me up.
It's just like this guy who lives a couple houses down from me. One of his
trees had a bee hive in it. I warned him that bees were dangerous and for
all he knew everyone in the neighborhood could be allergic to bee stings.
He was completely insane about it: "why not go get tested for allergies if
you're worried?" he kept saying. There was no time for that! The bees
could strike at any moment! Instead, I did what any sensible neighbor
would do -- I knocked down his fence, cut down the tree and set it on
fire. It accidentally fell on his house, caving in his roof and killing
his daughter. Then, when I set the tree on fire, the fire somehow spread
to the house, burning it to the ground. I explained that I hadn't meant to
kill his daughter or burn down his house, and what exactly were they doing
in the middle of a bee-exterminating zone anyway? Punching his grandma as
a regrettable necessity, as she was getting really uppity and ruining my
concentration. He refused to listen to reason.
What's worse, have I received so much as a thank you, either from him or
the other neighbors? No! All I hear is "the bees weren't hurting you" and
"now all the bees are in my yard". They totally ignore the fact that I
liberated their dog (who unfortunately got run over by a car). Ungrateful
bastards. I'm starting to think I should just find another bee hive and
leave it on their smouldering foundation
so we can forget this whole thing ever happened.
[/QUOTE]
Wasn’t this a Giraffe original in the pit? I remember it being posted, but I don’t know if he originally wrote it.
A woman, a Jew and a Black are competing in the Democratic Party Primaries…
[QUOTE=Noone Special]
A woman, a Jew and a Black are competing in the Democratic Party Primaries…
[/QUOTE]
Which one’s the Jew?
[QUOTE=Tuckerfan]
JFK, Nixon, and Carter were on the Titanic when it hit an iceberg.
Carter: Women and children first!
Nixon: Fuck 'em!
JFK: Can we?
[/QUOTE]
I like the punchline “Do we have enough time?” better.
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton]
Which one’s the Jew?
[/QUOTE]
Oops… Bloomberg is (not even officially) running in the **Republican **party, I see now.
That’s what I get for sticking my nose in a political race I don’t know well… without reading up on it first. :o
But how beautiful a line would it be if it worked! 
Al Sharpton.
[QUOTE=interface2x]
Wasn’t this a Giraffe original in the pit? I remember it being posted, but I don’t know if he originally wrote it.
[/QUOTE]
Yep, it was me, from this thread. (I actually wasn’t 100% sure when I read your post that I was the one who posted it, but a quick search on “punching grandma” cleared that right up.)
Why didn’t Mary Cheney support her father for president?
Because she prefers Bush to Dick.
Why didn’t the President defend Mark Foley?
Because he prefers Dick to Bush.
How many Alberto Gonzales’s does it take to change a light bulb?
I don’t recall.
How are Clinton and Dubya most alike?
Neither could say “No Dick, that’s not a good idea”.
If Laura Bush and Ted Kennedy drove from San Antonio into Mexico, where would they bury the survivors?
If Osama bin Laden married Barack Obama his name would be- Osama bin Laden as far as the United States is concerned because the marriage would not be legal.
Why do you see pics of Islamic men humping each other at Abu Ghraib?
They were told if they didn’t they had to hump Lyndie England.
Why is John McCain, who engaged in numerous extramarital affairs before divorcing the wife who had stood by him while he was a POW (and who suffered serious injury in a car accident that left her paralyzed and dependent on him) in order to marry a woman 25 years her junior with whom he was having an affair and whose multimillionaire father he went to work for, opposed to gay marriage?
Because The family represents the foundation of Western Civilization and civil society and John McCain believes the institution of marriage is a union between one man and one woman, and said man’s girlfriends, and then a man and another woman. (Needs to be shorter and pithier, doesn’t it?)
[QUOTE=Giraffe]
Yep, it was me, from this thread. (I actually wasn’t 100% sure when I read your post that I was the one who posted it, but a quick search on “punching grandma” cleared that right up.)
[/QUOTE]
Nice work, a year and a half later and I still remembered it because I was rolling around laughing when I first read it.