Teach Me To Be A Bastard.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m an honest, hard-working reasonably nice guy, with a fairly good sense of humor.

Perhaps this is why I’m poor as a churchmouse, & used as a doormat by all & sundry.

But wait!

There is a major field of employment where more & more people work every year------the Professional Bastard!

Professional Bastards are everywhere!

Professional Bastards work in the Insurance & Managed Health Care Industries in greater numbers every year!

Professional Bastards are essential in the Legal Profession!

Professional Bastards find employment as well-respected members of Law Enforcement!

Many highly-paid Professional Atheltes are also Professional Bastards!

As are many people in the Television & Motion Picture & Music Industries! Your favorite Star may be a Professional Bastard when the cameras stop rolling.

Professional Bastards are well-represented in the fields of_ Used Car Sales. Auto Mechanic! Education Administration! Airport Security!

All the major global corporations use Professional Bastards to staff their Personnel Departments!

And the Bush Administration is composed entirely of Professional Bastards!

I could have trained to be a Professional Bastard as a child, but I wasn’t the schoolyard bully.

:frowning:

Please help me find employment in this highly lucrative field! The Straight Dopers won’t let me down!

How do I become a Professional Bastard?

I WANNA BE A BASTARD!!!
The above is a joke. This reminder for the humor-impaired is paid for by nobody in particular.

2

I’m no expert, but you might start with these:[ul][li] Scare a puppy or two.[/li][li]Maybe yell at a Girl Scout for hawking over-priced cookies. [/li][li]Change lanes without signaling. [/li][li]Run your waiter ragged then leave a lousy tip. [/li][li]Go to strangers’ weddings and speak up when the preacher asks if anyone has any objections.[/li][li]Talk loudly on your cell phone during a movie.[/ul][/li]Ya think?

3

Hmmm, I don’t know the proper training regimen, but adhering to the tenets of Tom Lykis’s radio wisdom seems like a good first step. Every man I’ve known who’s a fan of his seems to be a right bastard.

4

You seriously need this book.

5

The key to becoming a Professional Bastard is to work just hard enough to impress other Professional Bastards, without actually breaking a sweat; this will lead you into the oh-so-popular field of Middle Management, which is where most Professional Bastards get their best field training. It’s kind of like Bastard Boot Camp.

In the meantime, while getting your feet wet, I suggest purchasing an SUV so you can practice driving like you own the road. Buy a crappy cell phone and scream into it, gesturing wildly and nearly losing control of said SUV, to make sure everyone recognizes your Professional Bastard At Work status.

When dining in public, or shopping in a retail establishment, snap your fingers at your waiter/salesclerk and make sure he/she understands that he/she is waiting on a Professional Bastard who doesn’t have time to wait. Speak to the manager frequently; make your status clear to him, too. (A Professional Bastard knows better than to waste time with female management. Always ask for a man, and don’t take no for an answer. You know that somewhere there’s a man in charge!) If he’s another Professional Bastard, you may be able to exchange the Secret Handshake with him, and get discounts. You know, as a former ass-kisser yourself, that he’s aiming just as high as you are, in hopes of becoming a Pro Bastard too.

Congratulate yourself on “not taking any shit.” Incorporate meaningless lingo into your conversation whenever possible; don’t actually answer any question put to you. Never incriminate yourself; never admit guilt. Remember what your goal is here; guilt and responsibility are not part of the equation! Any time you may feel the pull of societally-ingrained politeness or consideration, remind yourself just how far they got you before. You’re owed everything. Never forget that. You’ve got it all coming to you, and it ain’t getting there fast enough.

You’re on the super-highway to Professional Bastardism.

6

The rate I keep comin’ across folk who want to become a bastard, I might have to start printing out certificates of honourable bastardism, signed by real ones from birth like me.

:wink:

7
  1. Buy a mini - and brag about it.
  2. Have a child - and brag about it, as if you’re the only one has one.
  3. Get a house, and act like you’re the only one who owns one.
  4. Buy a cell phone, and use it.
  5. Buy a four cylinder to save on gas, then rip around like you’re the fastest car ever, while wasting gas.
  6. Go to work 10 minutes late, leave… you guessed it, 10 minutes early.
  7. Call in sick at the last moment - all the time.
  8. Put one of those ugly cactus looking things on your cars antenna.
  9. As mentioned earlier, become middle management.
  10. Listen to Creed, and thinks it’s the greatest band ever!
8

Enjoy professional tips from The Bastard Operator From Hell.

A very amusing read, if you have a few hours at work to kill.

9

You could start by kicking a few nuns.

10

Change your mind frequently, but never acknowledge that what you want now is different from what you initially requested. After all, their job is to serve you, it’s their fault for not bringing you your new request in the first place.

11

The best place to ease into the world of Bastardry is on the road, where you are surrounded by your fellow Bastards. Make turns, then signal them. Run red lights every chance you get. The more often you almost T-bone someone, the closer to Bastardom you get. When at a four-way stop, and you’re second in line, wave at the person who’s next as if you’re making a magnanimous gesture.

Once you’ve mastered these qualities, you are officially an Amateur Bastard. To become a Professional Bastard, however, takes much more work in many various fields. For example, you can be a bastard in your own home. I don’t know if you’re married or have a significant other, but if you do, you can try this simple exercise. When your special someone is sleeping, crouch just above them with your rear parts directly over his or her head. Emit gas from your lower intestine. Wait for reaction. This will bring you closer to your dreams.

12

Don’t call her the next day.
Snap your fingers to get the waitperson’s attention.
Take advantage of a mentally disabled person.
Yell at everyone, all the time.
Let your dog poop on the neighbor’s lawn and leave it there.
Throw lit cigarettes from your car.
Gamble the rent money.
Play music loudly, late at night, on a weekday.
Take your tiny, tired child to a noisy rated R movie and don’t leave when he or she starts to cry pitiably.

13

As a child, I once bit a nun. It wasn’t a sexual thing.

Does that count?

14

And remember, if anyone confronts you over your behavior, just sneer at them and say “sorry if I’m not politically correct enough for you.”

15

And remember, if anyone confronts you over your behavior, just sneer at them and say “sorry if I’m not politically correct enough for you.”

This lets you justify anything.

16

And never apologize for double-posts. Apologizing is for the weak, the French, and liberals.

17

Start drinking Arrogant Bastard Ale.

18

I never apologize.

My Mother makes excuses for me.

19

Here’s my advice:

  1. No matter what, the conversation must always, always come back to you. e.g. “Nice story about China, Muffy, but I didn’t notice a lot of dissent when I was in Beijing just last month.”

  2. When you’re leaving a place of business that’s dissatisfied you: 1. Act like you know the owner/manager/whoever (“Tom is going to be so pissed when he finds out about this!”), 2. Make a big production about how you’re going to go to the competition (“Well, I guess I’ll just go to the OTHER store”), 3. As you stomp out, make sure to shout “I’m never going to shop here AGAIN! And I’ll tell all my friends about it, too!” Even if the employees don’t look particularly concerned, don’t worry, they’re quaking with fear.

  3. When you go into a store, make sure you have a vague idea of what you want (e.g. “A book with a yellow cover”), but have no idea of the title, author, etc. With that said, none of the items the staff finds will be what you want. Make sure to get huffy about it and see #2.

  4. Use the phrase “Don’t you know who I am?” a lot.

  5. Never wait in line. Always say “I’m in a hurry” as you shove by. Very important people never wait in line.

  6. Read a lot of pseudo-spiritual books. It helps if they have a business focus. Be haughty about it, especially if your religion encourages humility. Buddhism is a good religion to pick up because then, when you upset someone, you can just look shocked and talk about Buddhist teachings regarding peace.

  7. Some people have an inner light. You should cultivate an inner smugness.

  8. Have a small, loud, furry animal of some kind. It helps if it’s aggressive. Make sure and carry it with you everywhere. If it’s a public place and they try to bar you, see #2 and throw a tantrum (“Your COMPETITION lets me bring Foo Foo in all the TIME!”)

  9. Learn to make The Martyr Face. This is the completely wounded expression all bastards master. You put this on when someone finally snaps and starts screaming at you.

  10. Never accept blame. If you’re backed into a corner, spin, spin, spin, and spin some more!

20

My favorite:

In discussions, compare your adversary to Hitler (“Did you know that Hitler was vegetarian too?”)