Well, it always helps if you have… /crazy man voice “Big nasty, pointy teeth!” /crazy
Don’t go there, Pers! The Dark Side is evil! Step into the light…step into the light… 
Oooh, that just sounds…so…dirty… ::whisper:: (I think I like it)
Perhaps you should build on what you can do now.
You suck.
What does the person suck?
The obvious choices are body parts specifically the penis, the testicles and the anus.
You suck balls.
Now be creative by make the body part come from an animal.
You suck elephant balls.
You can now build on this with some adjectives.
You suck diseased elephant balls.
Perhaps an adverb?
You suck diseased elephant balls, poorly.
Now you should expierment with placeing some of the words in bold type.
You suck diseased elephant balls, poorly.
You suck diseased elphant balls, poorly.
Do you see the difference between the two statements?
Note how in the second sentence I have misspelled elephant. This detracts from the flame so as you can see spelling is important.
Now you give me some examples.
Hmm… tough decision… Do I reply to this thread, or repeatedly insert rusty straightened paperclips under my fingernails and rake them across a blackboard so they peel the nails back and make (that sound) while I chew on aluminum foil and listen to Burt Baccarach (sp?) on a scratchy LP?
Hmmm…
I can’t read this stuff at work, I was laughing uncontrollable and tears were coming down my face!
Pure unadulterated sarcasm can be fun. It combines aloof superiority with a certain je ne sais quoi. e.g. “Well, obviously my OP wasn’t addressing you [flamee’s name here], what with your sparkling wit and brilliantly succinct posting style. Please don’t let our silly little thread interfere from your important drive-thru duties.”
If you’re worried that you’re being too clever and subtle, you can add a couple of :rolleyes:'s at the end…
My dear dear Christi. The best flames are the ones that hit direct. Pick your war carefully. Do not go in The Pit and aimlessly post to every thread there. Your flames will lose their luster, as you can see by a few of the threads going on in there now. While I have been tempted to throw in my post every now and again, I hold back, remembering that a well aimed flame in the suitable time and place is so much more useful. To be a true Pitizen, you must learn self-control. Many think they are worthy, but actually very few are. They hammer away at other Dopers like a strip mall being built. In doing so, they undermine their credibility as a true Pitizen. People start to ignore their posts, merely because they have been to zealous in their desire to fit in.
Cursing is not necessary. Foul language at times does more harm than good. Simple, straightforward, use as few words as possible. It kills them every time.
I’ve only had one Pit thread started about me. I only posted once to it, but that was all that was necessary. He slurked away with his tail between his legs, even changed his user name, which I’m sure you remember.
Let the flame flow naturally from you. You shouldn’t try to match someone else’s style. I know you have it in you. You only need to let it out.
Actually he was one of the best posters on the old AOL board who, as far as we know, didn’t survive the transition to the website. Some of you will never know how greatly poorer we are that he didn’t come with us here.
Eutychus! you festering sore on the bottom on a lecherous dwarf! You couldn’t have half the brains of Reagan if you tried! Hows that?
I do love ya Eutychus.
Okay, I’m going to try zebra’s suggestion first. Gotta take these things slowly.
Base: You suck.
Body part: You suck ass.
Animal: You suck yak ass.
Adjectives: You suck a sweaty yak’s hairy ass.
Adverbs: You suck a sweaty yak’s hairy ass, hungrily.
With bolding: You suck a sweaty yak’s hairy ass, hungrily.
You suck a a sweaty yak’s hairy ass, hungrily.
With a mispelling: You suck a swety yak’s hairy ass, hungrily.
How’s that for starters?
Now you can double your flaming ability by simply changing the statement to a command.
You suck Yak ass.
Go suck a Yak ass.
I feel you are now able to try some more advanced body parts.
Suck on my crusty ear wax.
The unexpected use of the ear as the sucked on object adds an element of suprise and wit to the flame.
You can also invite the person(s) to suck on an object that’ while not a human or animal body part would be humorous. This is usually done by suggesting sucking on an object that would cause injury or death.
Suck on a live power cable.
Suck on tail pipe.
Suck on shotgun until it comes.
And here is one of my personal favorites that should be used if a person belives that they are being treated unfairly when in fact that are being treated fairly.
Go back and suck on your momma’s teat for a while.
If you show mastery of these we can then proceed to the rich flame material known as
Yo momma
Nice of you to say…but I need to know…why? Are you a fan? I don’t have many, I cherish those I do, so speak freely!
On the other hand, if you mean to do me harm in some way…
Persephone, under the excellent tutelage of Zebra, you seem to be making excellent progress. Now, I feel that you are ready to string together some of the exellent flame material you are learning to create.
First of all, you will need a good segue. This is a smooth transition from what you may be talking about to opening up the plasma cannons on some idiotic cum bubble. There are several ways of doing this.
You can go for the rhetorical question: What the hell are you drooling about?
The empathic: I understand that you have trouble communicating through text.
The truly sarcastic: You are so right. I think I’ll run right out and join the “I think you’re right” club. In fact, with a lot of practice, I might be able to get my head far enough up my ass to become president.
The metaphoric: I asked my dog’s ass what it thought of your post. It’s response was not only more cohesive, it was less full of shit, too.
The reassuring: Don’t worry. I listen to the opinions of all posters, even the morons.
The servile: Oh yeah. While you were out, up your butt called: they want your head back.
The informative: Look, if I wanted you to open your mouth, I would have told you to suck my dick.
The dismissive: Why don’t you go outside and play a nice game of hide and go fuck yourself?
All of these make great segues into the body of your flame. Yes, the body of your flame is the “carne vitae” of your flame. You can fuck up all the rest, and still score great points with a good body. Ah, true. Much like so many things in life, no? Yes? Anyway, some examples of a flame body are:
The contemptuous: If you ever hit me, and I find out about it, I’m going to be pissed. In the meantime, you can continue falling down and looking foolish all by yourself. It’s great practice for what will be happening if I join you. Don’t get discouraged… I am sure that just when you think that you’re not a complete ass-reaming donkey-uncle, you will manage to stellarly prove yourself wrong. Just look at your track record so far!
The blatantly insulting: If you ever get tired of your job as a towel boy in the gay porn industry, you should know that you have several options. You can always become a circus freak, or you can go public in the medical world as proof that pregnancy is possible through anal sex. Failing all that, you can go on Jerry Springer and get one of those make-overs. Not that it’ll do any good: you’re ugly as a hat full of assholes yet not half as sweet smelling. But hey, at least you’ll always have your personality to fall back on: I’m sure you can find an old coffee can full of horked up lung-biscuits to be your friend, and failing that, your mother will always love you. At least, the parts that didn’t run down the crack of her ass and become a brown stain on the matress.
The smack down: What? Oh hell no. Let’s get this clear, ass-for-brains: before you can argue with me, and especially before you can flame me, you will have to understand a few things. First, you have to read my post. Second, you have to understand my post. That is, you must comprehend what it is that I am saying. Do you understand the words that are comin’ out of my mouth? Okay. After you master the esotearic concept of reading and comprhension, you must post a response that makes sense, if you reply at all. This means that you can’t bring up shit that has nothing to do in any way whatsoever with what we’re talking about. This also means that swearing incoherently like your dad getting ass-pounded with a broom-stick, doesn’t count. What you posted was almost a sentence. You wanna try again, or are you going to stick to what you know best: your job at Sonic, your relationship to your tooth, the zits on your sister’s back, and the shining hope that someday you might force your brain cell into mitosis by choking on a hog jowl while trying to light a fart?
Once you have laid waste to your poor, pathetic target with a great body of flameage, you should proceed to the break-down. A good break down will sum up what you’ve already made poeticaly clear in the body of your flame, and at the same time make it clear that there is plenty more where that came from.
The business break-down: If you have any questions, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
My Ass, Attn: Kiss dept.
1489 Right in the Crack st.
Eatshitpukenrepeat, IN, 02812
The barney style: Let me break it down for you, Barney style. You can’t form a complete thought. You can’t even type, you can’t spell. You’re broke, you’re stupid, your girl’s a hooker, you’re a sucker, your kid aint yours and your dog’s pregnant again. While the puppies may have your eyes, you sure have their brains.
The simple: Fuck you with the horse you rode in under. Or the ever popular variant Fuck you with your momma that you rode in on.
Now that we’ve covered the Segue, the Body, and the Break-down, you should practice a bit. Later, we’ll cover the Quote-and-Smack, and the super secret Way of the Machine, aka, Flame-O-Matic.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Oh…my…Goddess.
I am humbled. You are a Master.
[sub]oh, and if you ever decide to breed, give me a call, okay? Genius such as that MUST reproduce someday…[/sub]
Mental note: do not piss off (or on) Lexicon.
::bowing in the presence of greatness::
/wayne and garth/ Oh Great and Might Lexicon, we’re not worthy, we’re not worthy! /w&g/
Wow. **Lexicon, Zebra,**and everyone here, this has been an incredible learning experience.
Thanks, I’m still in awe.