Teach Persephone To Flame

Disclaimer: I conferred with Eutychus before starting this thread, because I wasn’t sure where it belonged. While my intent is to learn to flame, I also want this thread to be a lot of fun, and as funny as possible. Euty said to start it here, and see what happens. :smiley:

I want to learn to flame. My flaming skills don’t get much better than “you suck!” On a particularly testy day, I may be able to manage a “you REALLY suck, you big doodyhead!”

This is, of course, terminally lame. For all the writing I do, here and IRL, you’d think I’d have learned how to say “you suck” in a much more creative way.

I want you to teach me how to flame. Teach me how to toast some serious booty. From the tiny blaze of a matchhead to the full-out explosion of a nuclear warhead, teach me how to say “you suck” in some truly memorable ways.

Now, there are a few rules we’ll have to follow, since this is MPSIMS:

  1. I am not looking to flame anyone or anything in particular–yet. For the duration of my training, please stick to the generic “you.” Gender is up to you.

  2. Don’t give me flames to use. I want to learn to craft my own.

  3. Curse words are acceptible, but unless Euty says it’s okay (I forgot to ask), perhaps you should edit them. Something along the lines of “s***” instead of “shit.” Most likely, I’ll know what you mean.

  4. Be funny, and have fun. I want others to learn from this as well.

I’m ready to start learning. Anyone care to teach me? Please? :smiley:

[sub] With apologies to the lost, lamented Bermuda 999 for stealing his rant[/sub]

All too often your predecessors in this area, whose tradition you uphold so well, proved to be nothing more than axe-grinding political reactionary inbred unthinking illogical cereberally-challenged knee-biter two-bit flame-throwing fight-starting loud-mouthed dippy know-nothing lunatic impotent Tiberius moronic dumb loser no-date sheet-for-brains cowardly crass tin-plated-dictator-with-delusions-of-manhood flaccid fatheaded needle-nosed wimpy
pimply facile Canadian bigoted mean small-minded dull cheap-shot-taking impolite pinheaded idiotic boring asinine oxygen-wasting loony screwball braindead feeble sophmoric simplistic egocentric never-kissed-a-girl drooling clueless stuffed-shirt weiner-brained dittohead armpit-scratching knuckle-dragging incapable-of-realizing-no-one-gives-two-yanks-of-a-pig’s-teet-what-their-politics-are black-helicopter-fearing Bircher obnoxious
bad-beer-drinking hypocritical hair-triggered unread pesty churlish stupid self-righteous lame childish unlistening rude unquestioning Good-Times-Virus-contributing nightmarishly-ill-informed pablum-puking cretinous obstinate intellectuallly-bankrupt unsound childish doltish mouth-breathing hydrocephalic pontificating shrill easily-offended knock-kneed Gawd-help-us dotty puerile juvenile criminally-ignorant sorry-assed monstrous priggish
maggot-brained pissant foul-smelling cranky fricked-up weasel-word-talking moronic poop-for-brains danglesocket wannabe know-nothing painful-rectal-itch-of-a-person snot-sucking gaping-wound-where-the-brain-should-be trying annoying sickly childish piggy excrement-spewing hate-filled trash-talking ill-conceived personality-transplant-needing pinheaded urinal-breath incognizant lame-ass breathable-air-wasting meat-by-product horse-faced
decaf-drinking thumb-sucking no-date shivelled-spirit loser hose-bag bitch-talking crybaby craven no-sense-of-humor no-sense
unworthy laborious bet-you-think-I-can’t-keep-this-up-bet-I-can facile reprobate ungraceful slackbladder clue-repellent just-plain-repellent momma’s-boy wailing sniggeringly-inept
uncreative immature lackluster beneath-contempt mild-geek-by-day-but-freaking-offal-eating-
geek-by-night wormy crass no-excuse unclear-on-the-concept attention-craving
net-loon drive-by-shooting-candidate freakish stupid lying snivelling no-class
lower-than-dirt illiterate unprofessional inadequate laughable inept uncultured repugnant prig goober earwig flaccid zero-friends did-you-ever-finish- that-degree-or-are-your-pompous-posts-your-way-of-trying-to-deal-with-your-failures-as-a-real-human grunting nakedly-juvenile-to-the-core embarrassing masochistic goose-egg-IQ hellspawn inarticulate flailing funkless dolt creepy monstrous socially-clumsy dog-kibble noxious atrophied-neuron
irredeemable posting-recklessly-while-under-the-delusion-you-can-actually-think truculent mycogenous goony spittle-spraying one-track-minded nebbish hopelessly-outclassed pofaced amoral toadlike craptrap buttinski loopy spoiled-brat idiotic you-should-eat-more-because-it’s-obvious-your-body-is-scavenging-your-grey-matter-for-nourishment boorish whiny unsound
capable-of-sucking-ambient-humor-from-the-very-air atrocious imbecilic impotent
malodorous dismissable boring incapable callous mean-spirited snippy piece-of-dung evil nerdy almost-not-worth-this-but-I-gotta-say-you’re-a-fun-target pre-pubescent cheesy monosyllabic safe-and-effective-diuretic rank-smelling fetid ditchwater peculiar noxious thick-skulled troglodyte wheedling monkey-boy pukestain inbred flirting-with-intelligence-but- getting-the-cold-shoulder-in-return distressing Air-Supply-listening scrotum-sniffing
illkempt weedy figment-of-Satan’s-imagination bottom-feeding cromagnon pasty-faced Don-of-the-Moron-Mafia colostomy-brain pathetic nipple-biting noisome irrelevant be-sure-to-say-“when” deportee-from-the-Land-of-Good-Taste bile-inducing ridiculous feverish fricking total waste of time malignant feeble nauseating dribbly blisteringly-dull brane-challenged
etiquette-impaired mouth-breathing intellectual-pea lard-butt unremarkable dozen-word-vocabulary amateurish King-of-Denial weinerbrain useless trivial sleep-inducing nightmarish disagreeable snotty prize-winning-jerk limp illogical uncouth piddling blue-ribbon-scumbag negligible insulting unreasonable pablum-licking strange little puke. Go home.

You should check out this as a good point of reference:

There you go, that should serve as a good starter course. Then again, you may not want to listen to me… ask anyone, I couldn’t flame my way out of a kerosene soaked paper bag with an aim n’ flame and a lit road flare even if the person I was trying to flame had just wiped his cock with my Superman #1 after anally raping my girlfriend while shaving my balls with a cheese-grater and making me chew on tinfoil.

No way, Pershephone don’t do it!
You don’t want to learn how to flame! Don’t do it!
Once you get the taste of human blood, you will not be able to stop. You will be telling Mullinator to take his Ronald Reagan’s Ass Lovin’, GWBush toe licking, fat ass and buy a clue. You will be telling Stoid to stuff her Slick Willy ass and go down a flaming innertube ride of hell. You will be telling Shayna to take her People Pages and shove them into rotten.com’s lonliest corner. You will be telling Esprix to take his Gay Guy one trick (at a time) pony act to Tijiuana were it belongs.

In short, once you start you will be unable to stop. No longer will you be the furry little bunny rabbit of MPSIMS.
You will be the furrly little bunny rabbit of MPSIMS who likes to feast on human flesh, drink human blood, and squick non human skulls. You will be a terror. You will be SheHulk on steroids. You will rule worlds, people will bow to you and call you queen of all the Pit.

It will be scary.

I like cute little bunnies better.

Except when they poop. That’s gross.
Why won’t they learn how to use the flush toilet like the monkeys do?


ps: if I offended anyone in the start of my post, it was all in jest. So, ummmmm. Sorry?[/sub]

My old man gave me a piece of advice you should keep in mind before your foray into flaming:

Close cover before striking

Buy really tight, shiny clothes, talk with a lisp, and bend your hand down at the wrist at all times…oh, wait, never mind… :smiley:

If your pathetic little mind can’t figure out how to “flame” on its own maybe its time to replace the dying syphilitic hamster in the wheel that is your rusty, squeaky brain for a fresh one. While your at it you can take said former hamster and a cardboard tube and shove it up your ass!!

Lexi: The Page O’ Flames is the reason I want to learn to flame! That page makes me laugh 'til I cry. But I don’t have that kind of talent. I need to be taught how to do that.

Pricciar: “Furry little bunny rabbit”? Furry little bunny rabbit? Oh Goddess. Is my rep that bad? I must learn to flame. If I’m gonna be a damn rabbit, I want to be like Jimmy Carter’s killer rabbit, or the rabbit in the Holy Grail. Besides, I’d never say things like that to the people you mentioned. I really like them. :smiley:

Euty: gasp Something tells me I’ll never get quite that good. Hooooooo buddy! I’m gonna have to print that!


That was funny!!!


I’M SORRY PERSEPHONE!!! I’ve been wracked with guilt. I DIDN’T MEAAAAAAN it!! Please forgive me.


Good God… its like kicking a puppy because your in a bad mood then feeling horrible about it later!!

HA! How’s that for intimidation, huh?
[sub]Oh Goddess how totally humiliating…[/sub]


See?! You can’t flame people you like! That shows you will never be able to pick up the flaming habit.
I mean, it’s easy to flame people you hate. Thats like putting your socks on in the morning. Unless you don’t have feet. Then it isn’t anything like putting your socks on. Because, you probably don’t have socks. Well, you might have socks, but you don’t put them on. Well, you could put them, on your hands, but its just not the same, damnit.

I don’t hate any of the people I mentioned. Heck, half of them will be at the DopeFest coming Feb 24th. (Maybe ** Stoid** will be there too. I hope. :))
Ok OK. I do hate Mullinator… I mean. He spells let’s “;et’s”!!! What a Wahooo! I bet he doesn’t even wear socks. Sandle wearing mouthtoother.


In no way should this post be taken as an attack on the non-feeted, nor on Mullinator. But, I did enjoy saying Wahoo. Everyone should say it with me.

Persephone; I can’t provide any edufication here, but I’m gonna be paying attention. I honestly don’t know how to be aggressive towards anyone. I get all the Pitification, and I truly admire all the wits who hone themselves against the ever-expanding Big Bang of Ignorance. But I am at a loss when it comes to saying anything angrily towards another.

It’s not out of a lack of feeling or conviction of belief. I suppose it’s mostly out of some deeply ingrained inviolate law to never hurt anyone else. I certainly didn’t cultivate it. It just always seems to have been. But, ya know, maybe that ain’t the way to go. What sweet victory have I missed by tasting the mis-timed pulse toss of another’s jugular?

Here, in Beginner’s Mind…

never underestimate a well placed “doodyhead”

Anybody else notice Pursephone is such a puss she had to email a mod and ask if it would be alright to post this thread??!?!

Yeah… she’ll be flame queen in NO time!!


Heyyyyy!!! Calling someone Canadian is a compliment.

Get it right ya goof!
(Ok, I need practice.) :slight_smile:

Oh how I hate to quote a cartoon comic strip ferret (named kiki on top of that)

“stay good!” ( http://sluggy.com )

Starting the flames is a slippery slope. Soon, all you’ll want to do is hang out in the BBQ pit and wait for someone to respond to your post so you can post again… The best way to flame someone is to never reply to them. In this computer-society we have, all of our interaction takes place with a keyboard and a monitor. Some people rely on this as their sole means of ‘human’ interaction. Now if you take that away from them it will hurt them more than saying “I saw a huge inflamed pustule on the side of this guy’s head on the bus today and it reminded me of you. You are to us the nastyness behind a swollen sack of used white blood cells trying to purge an infection.”

Just think of the last time you wanted to/expected to meet someone, get a phone call or something else and it didn’t come through, weren’t you upset?

punk snot dead,

It helps if you’re in a bad mood. Failing that, it really helps if you know something about the person you’re gonna flame: it gives you something to riff on.

So, that said, take those sugary peeps of yours and jam them up your ass. That way, you won’t have to move your head to get to them. Be sure to light your hand on fire, so you can find that afore mentioned ass, you Greek wannabe.

Urgh. I need practice too.

I stand in awe of Bermuda999. Grasshopper Pers, this is your Master Po whom you should have gone to for training. Is he/she truly “lost, lamented”? The board is poorer now.

And I agree, you’re too nice to learn to flame. It would be too far out of character - sort of like Frasier Crane rebuilding a 350 Chevy; Jesse Ventura picking daisies for Bryant Gumbell; Jimmy Swaggert being humble; it just wouldn’t be right!!

Besides… we all know the fury and venom you put behind your poopyheads! I’ll bet Whammo is still reeling…

It’s a dark path that you have chosen to stroll down. Fortunately it’s a fun one if you can ignore all the human misery you’ll leave in your flaming wake. I suggest you bring marshmellows.

There are several tactics that can be employed in a flame job. One of the easiest is to assume the role of an arrogant being looking down upon a small piece of slime just discovered underneath a rock. In this role you are too high and mighty to stoop to simple insults and certaily not about to take any real offense at being insulted. It’s like a tiger being called a name by a snail. It’s doubtful the tiger will bother to even put forth the energy to squash the offending gastropod.

Now combine this attitude with that of a concerned friend. You need this angle because if you take the role of mighty untouchable being too far the question arises “Why are even addressing this lowly piece of slime?” And if you can’t talk to the slime, you can’t flame it. So you want to help the slime become more than what it is. Perhaps help it find a nicer rock to live under. So now you can give out helpful pieces of advice that on the surface show your concern but are, of course, offensive. Any returned insults are simply treated as a symptom of the target’s failure as an organic lifeform. Example follows:

I’ve read your posts for some time now, well at least the ones that managed to put forth enough syntax that they could be translated into something roughly resembling the English language, and I’ve noticed a trend in your posting habits. You often contradict yourself by your second sentence. (That would be the line of text that follows the first “.” thingy.) Sometimes the subject of your opening post even negates the very first premise you put forth. This certainly does lower the post count of your threads. There simply isn’t much to debate when the OP has debated himself and lost. Just as I am compelled to move worms out of the path of my car on my driveway, I can’t help but attempt to lend you a few simple posting tips.

1)Try not to let your belly button lint distract you in between that crucial time you post your subject line and your first sentence. These two thoughts really should have something in common.

2)Again, not being distracted is the key when writing that second sentence. It should agree with the first. Picking your nose can wait a few precious minutes.

As to your previous offer of sexual intimacy I thank you for your kind thoughts but I am currently seeing someone else and in any case I and the rest of the SDMB have decided that it would be in Earth’s best interest that you not reproduce.