Tell me about bad parenting....

In My Humble Opinion
21

Old dad here with grown kids. Parents need to have consistency, enforce what rules you do have religiously and don’t sweat the small stuff. I made sure my kids didn’t kick, bite, run amok or otherwise act like heathens. Is it hard when you have had no sleep for months or are embarrassed? Yep. Is it hard to pay attention when you would rather talk to guest? Yep. You still get too do it. We all have stories about horrible kids, make sure yours aren’t like that.

Having said that though, there is something kinda hilarious about a person with NO kids giving advice on parenting. Every notice when they do that the real parents roll their eyes? Thats cause its all academic until you have kids of you own. You filter it through the intellectual part of your brain. Trust me when I say that its all emotion dealing with your kids. When you have been up all night with a croupy kid, you forced them to eat peas THEN find out they are allergic to them, you find your darling spreading poo on the walls, eating soap or sticking a a tictac up their nose then come to me and we can talk. Otherwise you are just telling me what you THINK you would do. Plans never survive battle.
So if you see me rolling my eyes its cause over 30 years Ive talked to hundreds of people without kids telling me just how they are going to do it. Its very seldom what they actually end up doing. Could be your the one though. No offense ment but its one of those things in life that needs to be experienced rather than talked about.

22

It’s a whole lot harder to be a good parent than just “setting boundaries and sticking to them”. A battle of wills with a 3 year old is a draining experience, especially when it happens every single day and even more so when you are battling your own precious little bundle of joy who you never want to disappoint. I got really tired of this “advice” every time someone was forced to hear my child make a sound and I am as rigid as any parent I know with sticking to boundaries. Learned from the best, thank you mom.

My bad parenting story - our friends in the therapy business. Every time we are together we got to hear about what we should be doing with our children. What is wrong with them, why they do this or that, what drugs or therapy would fix them. To the point that we just stopped talking to them. Really, it was all they talked about. Last I heard their son was in rehab. I feel for him.

23

Well, mine does, for up to fifteen minutes at a time. Sometimes. But he’s only just over a year.

Oh, good! A place where I can talk about my SiL! I understand about giving in after really crappy days (we’ve had a horrible month. My kid’s watched maybe four hours of Buffy with me, which is a whole lot of TV for him), and picking your battles. I understand that kids are a huge amount of work, and sometimes just getting through the day is huge. However:

Don’t feed your 18 month old hard candy and nuts while he careens around waving a hockey stick indoors.

Don’t also feed him gum, so we can find it stuck to our laptop later.

Don’t ignore him while he screams and fusses, and put him to bed (finally) at eleven.

Don’t tell me that the two of you eat at McDonald’s every day, and that fries are his favourite vegetable.

If he won’t eat his lunch or dinner, perhaps you could lay off the mini-oreos and M&Ms he’s been eating all freaking day. No joke. Wish I were joking.
He’s a nice kid, astonishingly unspoiled so far, but my SiL’s whole family is fat and unathletic, and eat unbelievably badly. I am not a nutritional paragon, but I don’t go out of my way to make sure that if he doesn’t want to eat anything but fries, we’ll go to the fast food place every day.

She makes me crazy.

24

Some do. My son has been pretty good at it for years. My younger nephew is good at it.

My daughter and my other nephew - with the same sets of parents and the same rules - both suck at it. My daughter needs someone or something to entertain her always - that something can be the TV or - now that she is older - she reads or plays computer games, but she cannot play solo with toys for any time at all and never has been able to.

You had three choices with her as a younger child - you could entertain her (and she has always been willing to ‘help’ with housework - though often its more work to have her help), you could set her in front of the TV, you could find someone else to entertain her (Dad, Grandma, playdate).

25

I’m a bad parent. I don’t spend the time I should with my kid. I expect waaaay to much from him. I raise my voice and lecture him waaaay to much. I drink too much. I
could go on, but won’t. I’m gonna go improve.

I did my best. Now, I’ll do better.

26

When 16-year-old daughter’s 18-year-old boyfriend is homeless, let him move in. Repeat one year later with next daughter’s homeless boyfriend. Act surprised when daughter gets pregnant! Then console her, and tell her how it wasn’t her fault, and neither she nor boyfriend need to worry about paying for the abortion. Then allow daughter #2 (age: 16) to hook up with a guy 10 years older, kick her boyfriend out, take the boyfriend back, kick daughter out, kick boyfriend out again, then take daughter and new boyfriend in and support her, new boyfriend, and their new baby, along with the new boyfriend’s 2 other kids. That’s classy with a capital K.

Whew, just typing that made my head spin. Not my kids, is all I can say. I’m trying to get mine to pee in the potty, and that’s quite enough challenge for me.

27

Said it before. I’ll say it again. You’re not raising children. You’ve GOT children. You’re raising adults. Aim for the kind of adult you think you want your kid to be and raise them accordingly.
[ul]
[li]If you want a self-sufficient adult, don’t do every little thing for the child. [/li][li]If you want a responsible adult, give a lot of responsibility to the child, starting in toddlerhood.[/li][li]If you want them to be fit and healthy adults, turn off the TV, provide healthy food and get the kid outside. [/li][li]If you want a patient adult, capable of entertaining him/herself, then provide opportunities for them to learn patience and to entertain themselves. [/li][li]If you want an adult who is prudent with money and can make good financial decisions, then give them chances to practice that when the consequences of screwing it up aren’t dire.[/li][/ul]
Worked for me and my two sons. I can’t wait to spend time with them, they are amazing young adults.

28

My niece and nephew are seven and five. I only see them on holidays, because their parents drive me crazy. The kids have never been taught an ounce of respect for other peoples’ feelings, convenience, or property. They run around my house like wild animals while their parents ignore them, because they consider any time other adults are around to be their “relax, someone else will watch them” time.

Both kids, with their parents’ encouragement, expect everyone’s full attention every time they open their mouths. Many conversations have been derailed by the seven year old yelling “Everyone, everyone!!!” until we all hush and look at her and she goes “Um…”. This isn’t a case of “she had something to say and forgot it under the pressure of our stares”, this is “no one has paid any attention to me for nearly three minutes”. Mentioning to her that if one MUST interrupt, it’s generally a good idea to at least have some idea what you’d like to say provoked quite a comical rage in her parents. Apparently we’re all supposed to sit patiently and quietly while she decides what song she’d like to sing for us. At the dinner table.

Now to be fair, they’re not any more impressed with my parenting, considering my kid hellbound due to her heathen upbringing. But at least my kid, godless though she may be, had learned “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, and “may I” long before she was seven.

29

What the hell is a 2.5 year old doing up after 11 at night?!

My story:

I have an acquaintence who recently chose to quit her job “for the sake of my son.” Turns out, the moment her 4-year-old son wakes up, she turns on the TV in the kitchen for him, lets him watch as much as he wants. When he gets bored with that, she’ll shoo him away to play by himself for a few hours. In the afternoon, in lieu of a nap, he has 3 hours in front of the TV in the basement while she goes to the upstairs living room, also with a TV, and watches her soap operas. So basically, her kid spends at least 4 hours in front of a TV a day. She recently had another kid and whenever possible, she sits him in front of the TV, too, with his brother. The little one just turned 19 months, I think.

I actually don’t mind a few minutes of TV for kids. Ideally, they would have none. But in reality, the TV can be a very handy way of distracting a kid - whether it’s because you’re alone with them during the day and just need a few minutes to shower or the kid is sick and you need him or her to just sick the heck down for a few minutes to relax. We use our TV for when we need to do haircuts or nail clipping - things our son hates. But he watches TV so rarely, it mesmerizes him whenever it is on.

Pediatricians recommend zero TV for kids under 2, then no more than a half hour for kids 2 to 3 or so, I think. I think 4 hours is way too much for an adult, let alone a little kid. Whenever their kid tries to do something other than watch TV during those times, the mom has the temerity to get mad and makes him stand in the corner before sending him back to the basement alone. This person always says that she’s doing more for her kids than anyone else she knows, but sometimes I wonder if her kids wouldn’t at least get more interaction and activity in a daycare setting.

30

I’m a new parent so I’m all of a sudden in tune with things I see other parents do that I am making of mental list not to do. Such as:

** Let my 18 month old run around with caked gunk all over her face and hair so matted it might have to be cut off rather than combed

** Set out a plate of food at eye level of a 1-year old and tell him over and over “No, you can’t have any, you just ate”

** Give 1 year old so much candy that he has to visit the dentist to have teeth pulled and be put under general anesthesia to do so!

I’m sure I’ll make plenty of mistakes in my parenthood, but reading threads like these is helpful…in a perverse way!

31

… and here I was, thinking of complaining about my sister who runs her kids ragged. Soccer this, piano lessons that, track meet the other… oh, have the week off school? Let’s fly to the second house in WV or go to Europe or something.

It’s not that the girls are spoiled - they are lovely children, have wonderful manners (for 10 and 12 year-olds), but when they come to our house to spend the night with our daughter… all they want to do is sit in front of the TV and not move. I was worried thinking they were bored one night and the oldest said, “No, we love coming here. Sophie is funny and we can relax and not do a thing. We are doing exactly what we want to do.” (Hannah Montana was on TV, something verboten at their house. And ours, but sleepovers have their own special rules).

So “bad parenting”, and I hesitate to call it that because the kids themselves are so great, isn’t always a case of neglect, disinterest, or abuse.

OTOH, Dad has missed a few too many family functions for my liking. :wink: How do you miss your daughters birthday party because it’s “poker night”?

32

She doesn’t sleep much.

  • Oh, she’s hyperactive then?
    No, she doesn’t seem to need a lot of sleep
  • That kid needs to be in bed
    I wish

My kid just didn’t need much sleep. She’d be up around 7.00 (the saving grace that she didn’t wake up early) and tank on until 10 or 11 - long after I wanted to hit the sack. She wasn’t over active, quite a calm kid, just busy, industrious, living every minute. Most common comment was “well, she’ll sleep well tonight.” but I’d get her home and she’d have a second wind - sit down with a book, get out the football. We used to call her the trojan warrior. She turned out to be a very bright active and smart person - so that’s what I tell other parents when I see them with similar kids by way of consolation.

I’m with Anaamika on the tv thing. Not that we don’t watch it but TV is a participation sport in our household. There’s no sitting blankly staring at it - we’re answering back, we become the characters - we’re not invited over to watch a movie by anyone - funny that!

What a great list wonder9

33

This is an older kid thing.

I have a friend whose parents are quite wealthy but refused to pay for anything after he turned 18 because “he’s an adult.” So, he put himself through college, graduated last may, and is now working full-time at a job that doesn’t have benefits. He can’t afford health care which I guess would be ok for most 20-somethings except that this friend has serious mental health problems (depression, ADD) and recently admitted to being suicidal. His parents know all of this but they refuse to help pay for any health care or therapy, even though they just bought a really expensive car.

It just makes me so mad – it’s not like my friend is sitting on his sofa watching TV all day and asking for a hand out. He really needs help and his parents are neglecting him.

34

I’ve seen a study cited (sorry, can’t remember which) that said even the Baby Einstein videos were worse than making kids make their own fun/games. It stands to reason, really. Inventing and creating are better teachers than watching.

35

The biggest burden of being perfect is having to watch others make mistakes.

Really. If I’m ever a parent, I promise I am going to make millions of mistakes. I will do things that will make you shake your head. And just as often, I will do things that you will never understand. Because you aren’t me and you won’t have been living 24/7 with my kid. You may well see me out at 11 with a 2 year old. This may be because we take a long mid-day nap. Or it may be that I just didn’t plan things well. You won’t know, but you’ll feel free to judge anyway. So yeah. I will probably end up in a thread like this one day.

But I will love my kids. I will make sure they are provided for. I will give them books and hugs. And they will grow up strong, curious, loving and healthy. Just like millions of children do. Despite the fact that my parenting will not please each and every outside observer (or, given human failings, even myself) at all times.

36

I’m sitting here at almost 11 pm, my 2-month-old daughter wide awake in my lap, reading the boards. Rocking her, hoping she’ll fall asleep so I can go upstairs to sleep. Good or bad parent?

Oh, there she goes, head slumped to the side, out. Night, all.

37

Well, as posted, with my former friends the kid was pitching a fit, punching everyone and throwing things. Former friends were too damned stupid and arrogant to do anything about it, because they knew everything they needed to know about kids except how to do anything involving actual physical effort. :rolleyes:

I would hope that those of you with 2 year olds that don’t get to sleep at night would have the brains to figure out that if this was happening with your kid, he just might be tired and need to be put to bed. Or at the very least, that he might need a time-out or something to quiet him down and stop him from physically assaulting your guest.

Of course, these were the same people who, long before they had kids, would load up their plates with dinner, set them on the table and go back for something else. Only to come back and find that one of their two dogs had gotten up on the table and scarfed down their entire plate of food on them in mere seconds. Rather than making any effort to end this behavior, they’d merely roll their eyes and go back for more food. :smack:

And the same people who watched one of their dogs bite me in the crotch (hit my penis - drew blood), then yelled at me for allegedly kicking the dog after I had to pry the fucking dog off my cock without any help from them (it fell back against the wife’s leg and she went apeshit), then yelled at me pretty severely about how it was all my fault because I was “stupid enough” to put a napkin on my lap while eating dinner at their house, and I should have known that this particular dog liked to eat paper. :eek:

Get the reasons for the former friends part yet?

Anyway, sorry, that’s a bit of a hijack there and I’ve told that story a few times before on this board. But needless to say, bad friends, bad pet owners who became bad parents. I think it tends to follow that if people can’t manage a dog, they aren’t going to be able to manage a kid.

38

Letting kids watch too much TV has other bad effects (e.g. keeping them inactive, and all the health problems that go with that) but I’ve never seen any evidence it’s a cause of ADHD. I don’t even understand why it would be. I don’t like the Small One watching too much TV, but I’m not worried about ADHD, I’m worried about her becoming a couch potato.

Even then, though, you can’t ask too much of the kid. Activities on the weekend are great, but on school days it’s rough. She’s not even 4 and in day care all day. We’re running her to gymnastics every Wednesday now, and it kills her. She’s just absolutel out of gas when it’s done. One night a week is fine but more than that would be too much. If she wants to sock out in front of Wonder Pets for half an hour after nine hours of structured activities at school a few nights a week, I say let her. Little kids need to be able to turn the brain off now and then, too.

It’s funny how many of these “bad parenting” comments are by people who aren’t parents and thus have next to no clue what they’re talking about. Wow, the kid’s watching Finding Nemo. Let’s call CPS.

39

I’m not a parent and while I think I will some day be a decent one, I’m sure I’ll make plenty of mistakes.

Nevertheless it’s definitely been painful watching my cousin (who is now 10) experience extreme behavioral difficulties under the care of his remarkably ignorant parents. It’s not that they don’t love him, it’s that they were not ready for parenthood and cope very poorly with the stress his condition creates.

Said boy was born three months premature… he was 1.5 lbs at birth, the smallest on record at the large hospital where he was born. I remember when he was smaller than the length of my hand. For three months he was in intensive care, had multiple surgeries and it’s a damn miracle he’s even alive. Nobody would have ever predicted the unnatural force of energy he would one day become.

The boy is overall pretty healthy physically, extremely hyperactive and resistant to authority. I’ve had to care for him by myself more than once and he is a fucking piece of work. He knows how to push all the right buttons to get a rise out of people and delights in doing so. He’s not a bad kid… in many cases, very thoughtful and affectionate, but almost never obedient and often rude. He would be trying on anyone’s patience, and often is.

Unfortunately, his parents are not equipped to cope with this level of behavioral difficulty. They know that he has behavioral problems beyond the norm, but my Aunt is incredibly resistant to the idea of medicating him because she perceives it as dangerous. So instead they deal with it by punishing the bad behavior and ignoring the good behavior. Their expectations are too high. His father is constantly threatening to ‘‘beat his ass’’ (and has, I think, though he no longer sees his father or is subjected to physical abuse, as my grandmother about tore my uncle-in-law a new asshole when she found out he’d hit her precious grandchild with a belt.) He’s always getting screamed at for being a terrible kid. When his little sister was born, everything became about her, and every time she behaves badly they blame it on him, saying things like, ‘‘You set such a terrible example for your sister, she’s going to grow up into a little brat like you.’’ They also berate him for doing poorly in school, because he is a smart kid with almost no ability to pay attention. So pretty much all he ever gets is negative attention.

Naturally his behavioral problems only multiply, and starting around 7 he developed an extremely disturbing habit of striking himself repeatedly and screaming, ‘‘I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF!’’ I used to do the same thing, so it was kind of horrifying to witness and know what he was going through. This really did scare my Aunt when it started happening and distressed her immensely, but she did not know what to do.

Frankly I’m not sure what I’d do in her shoes… I don’t even understand how regular kids work, since I was never a regular kid. That’s what my husband, the child behavioral guru, is for. My family is convinced that if my husband spent a weekend with my cousin it would magically make all their problems go away, such is the depth of their ignorance on child behavioral psychology.

The good news is that now that my cousin’s father is living somewhere else, everything is calming down. His mother is more loving and attentive and he seems to be turning into a healthier, less spastic kid. He’s even doing better in school and the self-hatred seems to have gone away. I’m not saying he’s an angel and everything’s moving in perfect harmony, but it seems better, less tense. My grandparents help. They love him unconditionally, as they loved me unconditionally, regardless of what Mommy and Daddy think. The value of loving grandparents can never be underestimated.

It’s just frustrating to know that someone you love is responding badly to their child out of ignorance and the lack of resources to cope. And frustrating to know that a kid you love lacks the ability to understand complex issues like having a behavioral disorder, to know that he would control himself in a heartbeat if only he knew how.

40

I wish more people posted like you, olivesmarch4th. It’s so easy for us to judge other people. But even when things really are that bad, it’s better for us to look with compassion and understanding and really try to figure out what is going on.