Well, they know I’m into BDSM, because I’ve made lots of friends through it - parties, classes, munches (get-togethers over food), etc. As long as I live with them, they want to know where I’m going, more or less, and when I expect to get home. And sometimes they see rope marks on my arms or whatever. It’d be nice if we could sit down and talk about it calmly (she’s gotten better).
I get tired of being expected to dress and act like a girl. I don’t do it well and never have. Just like I had a hard time passing as ‘normal’ when I was more asexual. Like I said, my mom is cool with me dressing strangely - whether that’s mixing genders, crossdressing, or whatever - but I doubt she gets that it’s more than clothes. And the rest of my family, and my non-BDSM friends don’t know and wouldn’t get it.
I don’t even know if I fall into this category. I think of myself as a tomboy because live in my jeans and have some feminine skills but I am not comfortable in dresses, and don’t wear much makeup. The two things i’d change if i could is that I’d like to be taller and have green eyes.
Sorry, but I fail to see why being a tomboy, wearing jeans, having short hair, etc. suddenly makes a woman “genderqueer.” That’s just being a regular woman. Unless you think all women should be feminine, dress-wearing, long-haired baby-making machines who cook, clean & stay at home.
Some of the people in this thread calling themselves “genderqueer” seem to be using the term just to so they can think of themselves as yooneeq and different. Fuck the heteronormative patriarchal system, yeah! I’m so transgressive!
I identify more with “male” characteristics. When I write, I often think of the male perspective. I dated a few girls. (What’s it with chicks? You sleep with them the one time and they think you’re dating! They call all the time and want you to go meet their parents at Thanksgiving!) I was thrilled to have a son. There’s no fucking way I’m being pregnant again. On occasion, I have sincere penis envy.
But girls are crazy, and the love of my life was male, and I don’t like labels. I clearly don’t fit in well with any non-straight person here. I have mostly guy friends and few female friends. The females I like tend to be a little less…shrill…(or they are lesbains!).
I think if you hand me a checklist, I’d score “genderqueer”, but since I don’t like the drama of the word, I identify as straight.
Again, genderqueer is an identity so if you are perfectly happy identifying as a man or a woman, regardless of how you dress, or your favorite hobbies or what job you have, you are not genderqueer. It is not a designation that can be placed on you from an outside source, it comes solely from your own ideas as to how you perceive yourself.
As a social animal, I need others who see themselves, the world, etc. differently than I do to be able to explain it to me so I can empathize, better understand where they are coming from, their motives etc. in order to make a meaningful connection with them.
Since “society” or my culture (or whatever you want to call it) has defined what “normal” men and women do and how they behave, it becomes important to be able to verbally describe to me what falls outside of what I have been taught is “normal.” Or, outside of that “binary” construct others have mentioned. To me this means that there is a spectrum (multiple spectrums actually).
In order to get to know you, to empathize, it helps if I understand where you fall on this somewhat artificial spectrum.
So we have these words/phrases like genderqueer, transgender, transexual, etc. And these terms are helpful to me - so long as everyone is using them in the same way.
And then we have sexual preference and sexual identity - both very different and separate things where folks could be anywhere in either spectrum. And I’m rambling…
My point is that yes, these identifiers, categories, identities are really arbitrary social constructs, but we need them. I need them anyway. How else am I to best understand you and your motives?
It could get worse. I’m really a kimono-wearing, comic-reading, conlanging, mostly-asexual, genderqueer furry* submissive atheist geek. Yeah, I could be a whole week on a talk show by myself, except that I don’t take any of it seriously. I just want to do my own thing, y’know?
I hardly do anything with the furry fandom any more, but I still identify as one. One of my friends, who isn’t a furry, is also a kitty.
And since on second reading your sarcasm became obvious, it’s not just about dressing - dressing can be a symptom, but it’s not the difference. There are cross-dressers who are straight and unambiguously male or female.
Please reread for comprehension. Let me help you.
Also, and perhaps most importantly, from the OP:
Yes! That’s what I wanted to point out to my mom (and I think I tried to) when she protested that I didn’t need a label to be asexual. But she’s less analytical than I am.
Yes, you should be comfortable enough to just be yourself without needing a label (and I am, mostly). But a label helps you explain to others why you’re different from them and how, without resorting to long explanations.
I noticed you didn’t get a lot of replies Becky, so I’ll do my best.
Well, genderqueer isn’t sex or sexuality. Sex is biology. Sexuality is who you like. Gender is between the ears. Sex - I’m female. Sexuality - I’m straight. But, can early sex abuse confuse you about sexuality? Probably, imo. Will it change you from whatever you are to something else? Probably not, imo.
I think that’s called pansexual (although I swear there was another term that I just can’t remember right now.) Friendship and sexuality are generally different kinds of love.
No idea.
Holy crap, everything’s a political statement these days. I’m not into movements or anything like that. I know the term is a lot more known to non-vanilla people and the LGBTQ community.
IMHO, most labels are only helpful for preventing misunderstandings or correcting misconceptions. Like, if you see someone spinning around on their heels with a flowerpot on their head, knowing that they have a specific mental disorder prevents people from thinking they are being an attention whore or just goofing around.
But sometimes a label just confuses people. This thread is a perfect example. “Mostly-asexual” is a stretch for an identity. Really. Either you are sexually attracted to your boyfriends or you’re not. If you don’t like sex that much, but you still like it enough to latch on to someone, that’s fine. But I’m not sure why you need a name for this. I certainly don’t know why you’d need to explain it to your mother. And I don’t see how “mostly-asexual” and “furry” AND “BDSM” are even possible. Aren’t the last two sexual? If you are sexual enough to identify as either of them, I don’t understand the “asexual” part at all. See? Confusion.
So while I can understand the “qenderqueer” concept, I would question–to yourself–why it’s important for you to adopt another label, especially one that you most certainly will have to explain over and over again. It’s one thing if you’re visibly different; you will not have to defend yourself if you say “I’m X” because people will just know. But if you don’t really look or act different and you say “I’m X”, people will give you a hard time about it. Because it will seem like you’ve latched onto yet another label that, in a few years, you may have to retract.
Seems like it would be easier to just say, “This is how I feel about gender.” rather than “I’m a big ole genderqueer! Deal with it!”
Okay you just hit my basically only big ol’ button. Furry fandom is not bleeping sexual!!! All it means is that you like things with anthro or talking animals. Period. We’ve had threads about this, for pete’s sake.
deep breath
BDSM isn’t necessarily sexual either. The analogy I use is, it’s like dancing. You can dance with your friends and it’s just a thing. Or you can dance with your SO and have sex while standing up. If me and my ex have a scene that’s one thing. When I was a demo model for cupping that was something else. When three girls were doing things to me that was something else. The last two were not sexual.
Do you mean different from others or differently from before? In the second place, I’ve always been this way, I’ve only just learned there’s a label for it (same as furriness, asexuality, and for that matter depression and social anxiety). In the first place, I’ve always been different from others. That’s the bleeping crux of the matter.
None of these are my identity. They’re descriptions of me, that’s all. I am not the things I’m interested in. I am not my biological functions (or lack thereof).
As for explaining things to my mother, I talk to my parents. My mom is pretty close to my best friend, despite all the things about her that annoy me (stop being cheerful in the mornings, you freak! :p) I live with them, am I not supposed to speak at all? Because otherwise I’m limited to small-talk and that means killing myself.
OK, goodness. I don’t go into furry thread so I didn’t know. Sorry.
OK, I didn’t know that either. I don’t get what it is (even after reading about it), but obviously the little bit I thought I understood is wrong.
Everyone is different from others.
I know, I know. You mean, you are a lot different from others. I understand that, because I feel the same way about myself. And I also don’t like when people try to correct me and tell me I’m not that different. So that’s why I am not a big fan of trying to describe “what I am”. The few times I have tried to have been unsuccessful or regretful. I’ve come to the realization it’s really not that important to find the right “word”. Unless someone says, “What the fuck is your deal?!”, I do not feel like I have to explain “what I am”. I don’t like explaining, arguing, or feeling embarrassed for having revealed too much, or for using the wrong words, or whatever.
So that’s why I’m wondering what you think you might gain from “coming out”? Do you feel like you’ve been hiding who you are? Once you reveal your genderqueerness, will your behavior change? Like, when someone comes out of the closet, boyfriends or girlfriends are revealed, there are no more secrets and lies-by-omission, and conversations and ways of interacting are just different, because the individual is now free to be who they are. If you feel free now, then I guess I don’t see what the need is. If you don’t feel free and honest, then yeah, I can see why you’d want to have a talk.
Of course you’re free to tell your mother or anyone else whatever you want to tell them. I’m just saying that you should be prepared for confusion and not-understandings and maybe some exasperation about having another unusual label to add to your resume.
Don’t apologize, monstro. If Silver Tyger says that she didn’t take sexual pleasure from being pegged by a pair of femdommes that’s fine by me but you shouldn’t have to walk around on eggshells when describing BDSM. For the vast majority of people it’s sexual.
As is furry fandom. Perhaps for Silver Tyger, it isn’t sexual. But to say the entire sub culture is only about people who are into “anthro” or talking animals is farcical in its generalization.
I think these two posts largely sum up my problem with “genderqueer”. I don’t have any problem at all with people thinking of themselves in this way, but as a way of identifying oneself to others I don’t find it particularly helpful. First, it encompasses a pretty wide range of different and mutually exclusive gender identities. Second, other people’s gender identities are, frankly, not that interesting to me. I mean, what am I supposed to do with the knowledge that another person identifies as genderqueer? If someone doesn’t fit traditional gender norms then I probably picked up on that even without the label, and the “genderqueer” label itself doesn’t tell really tell me anything beyond that.
I could see it maybe being useful for people who differ enough from traditional gender norms that they are often mistaken for the wrong sex or sexual orientation – “No, I’m not gay, I get that a lot. I’m genderqueer!” – except that, as typoink points out, the term is likely to be misunderstood to mean that the person is gay.
Yes, although this has yet to happen in a situation where I expected to be interacting with that person much again. A friend of mine from college is also married to someone who identifies as genderqueer, but this friend and I are now only in touch via Facebook so I have not met her spouse in person.
So, really no. But, really unless you were under the impression your friend is a lesbian you’d assume her partner is a man anyway so you’re in the same boat, informationwise, either way and if you ever do meet the spouse, you won’t be taken aback if they do flout traditional gender constructs.
i have to agree that the OP’s description of her(?)self reads like a parody at this point. of course bdsm is sexual. asexual folks generally don’t participate in such things because they are not interested in sex at all, hence the term.
i understand the concept of genderqueer but i think it’s being applied pretty broadly in this thread. i realize it’s how you perceive yourself but just because you were a tomboy growing up does not = genderqueer. it was described upthread by Peeta Mellark as being “a fundamental disconnect from the concept of gender.” preferring jeans over skirts is not quite the same thing.
OP, you really come across as a weirdo who is grasping at straws trying to find labels to mark you special and unique rather than just strange. we all have our quirks, but good lord. also, the explanations notwithstanding, it is very very very very strange to share your bdsm activities with a parent. i mean, really.
