Tell Me About Some Memorable, Positive Funerals You Have Been To

I’ve got a parent in hospice and my sibling and I have been asked to think about how we want the funeral to be.

I’ve been to funerals before, but I’ve generally been so grief-stricken for myself or friends that I didn’t really notice details or give much thought about what goes into a good funeral. What I do know is that I absolutely, positively, do not want one of us standing up there sobbing over a rambling, weepy eulogy.

Are there funerals or memorials you’ve been to where you’ve left thinking it was a marvelous tribute to a life lived? Something that felt positive and uplifting? Or original? What set it apart?

All of our family’s funerals are pretty much the same, not that it’s a bad thing. We all get together. We laugh, cry a little, and talk until all hours of the night. Anyone looking in would think it’s a party, not a funeral except for all the flowers.

My dad’s memorial service was nice; the minister gave the eulogy, then invited anyone who cared to to share their memories or thoughts of him. We heard from people from the church and community and learned how he had touched so many lives outside of the family that we’d had no idea about. A lot of it still made me bawl–particularly when the fellow from the choir played a tape of him speaking–but it was wonderful hearing all of it. Afterward, we gathered at my sister’s house and a lot of the conversation was sharing stories about him and remembering him as the lively and funny man that he was, rather than just being sad that he was gone. It felt like a perfect tribute to his life.

I haven’t been to many, but at both my grandmother’s memorial service and my father-in-law’s funeral, there was time opened up for anyone in attendance to share a favorite memory, a story, an observation, or whatever they wanted to help celebrate the life of the person. It was wonderful both times – it brings in laughter, love, sorrow, and a shared delight in the things that made the person so loving and loveable. You wind up hearing about qualities or actions that you never knew about the person.

In particular, I remember one story a friend of my grandmother’s told. She particularly appreciated how vibrantly intellectual and adventurous Fran (my grandmother) was. It seems that Fran was also a wicked Scrabble player, and one time played a seven-letter word (using all her tiles and getting 50 bonus points) on a triple-word score. Her friend wanted to challenge Fran about it, and Fran blithely welcomed her to challenge the word. Fran seemed so confident that her friend didn’t issue a challenge. After the game, Fran admitted that she’d made the word up. I love that story, and I never would have known about it otherwise.

I love picture boards at funerals. My friend Mark just passed away (at 40), and there were pictures of him everywhere - at least 10 posterboards full. Each one was made by a different family member or friend, so each had its own unique vision and memory of Mark. It was so nice to see his life, and share stories prompted by the photos, rather than getting stuck in the shellshock of his untimely death. There was one board that made me cry, though - baby photos of Mark and very recent photos of his 1 year old son. They were nearly identical. Poor kid.

After the funeral, a bunch of folks went to Mark’s favorite bar and had a Budweiser toast (he was a Bud kind of guy, so we all choked it down!) and finished off with a huge drum circle at his best friend’s house. His widow gave us all shirts with his favorite phrase printed on them that she had made at a local shop. I’m actually wearing it right now.

All in all, it was much more a celebration of his life than his death, which is what we all (including him) wanted.

I think it’s best for the person giving the service (clergy, from what I’m accustomed to) knows the person personally, or is at least clued in by the family ahead of time. It’s painful to me to sit through services when it is obvious the pastor doesn’t know the person or the family. I like it when the pastor gives examples from the person’s life, instead of making general statements about what a good person the deceased was.
One of the best services I can recall attending was for my friend’s mom, who died at the age of 47. I felt horribly sad, but I’ll always remember parts of that service that made me think more fondly of her. One story was about how her son, when he was little, wanted a train set for Christmas very badly. My friend’s family did not have much money then, and she couldn’t afford to buy it for him. In recent years, her life had improved drastically, and when her son was in his early 20s and a new dad himself, she bought him the train set. She hadn’t forgotten about it for all those years, and when she finally did have the money, she bought it for him. I think stories such as those give real insight into a person, and are a touching tribute to their memory.

I am sorry for this difficult and trying time in your life.
When my Uncle died, my aunt had all the grandchildren release balloons after the funeral as a sign of hope and joy and carrying a message to him.

I liked it. Ended everything on a positive note. Also, the music was upbeat instead of the typical dredge.

I am also in favor of a picture board. He was cremated and so we were left with positive memories.

It has to be genuine–much more important than suitably solemn.

My sister’s memorial last August (04) was the best service I ahve ever been to.
All the family got up to the lectern at different times and said a few words. I read two poems by Emily Dickinson. the others ad libbed anecdotes. Thing is, none of us coordinated what we were going to say, but it all dovetailed beautifully-just like my sister, bringing disparate people together was one of her gifts.

I made 3 huge posters depicting my sister’s life from infancy to death. They were montages that held pics, cut outs of states she had lived in, little artifacts like political buttons and maps of her beloved France, old airline ticket stubs, work stuff–it was a labor of love, and an excellent grieving aid, if I may say so.

I think that if you hold the loved one as the center, then any service will be moving. It’s the ones that try to live up to X or Y expectations that seem stiff or false to me.

Sorry to hear of your sad times-I wish you the best.

A friend I worked with a few years ago died two months after he found out he was sick. He was in his early 40’s and had teenage kids. Howie worked on farms or construction his whole life. He was laid out in jeans, workboots, a denim shirt and a baseball hat. Very cool that was, it was who he was.

I didn’t go to the funeral but it’s the only wake I ever went to where the line went out the door to get into the funeral parlor.

One I went to had a tape with the deceased telling her testimony in church a couple of years previously played during it. (That sentence needs help). It was nice to hear the woman describing herself and her life as a part of the service. As it happens, I was there because she wanted a group of women singing a particular song or two at the funeral, so I agreed to sing because I didn’t know her well enough to be devasted by her death. (That also sounds funny, but I could be sad and respectful, without my emotions messing up my vocal cords).

When my uncle passed away after a 7-year battle with cancer, the chaplain of the fire department gave an eulogy, then each of his three kids spoke. His youngest son is deaf, so there was a sign language translator at the service to translate the speech for the hearing impaired and to translate my cousin’s sign language for those who don’t know sign language. After his kids, several other family members spoke, including me. It is difficult to speak when you’re crying, but knowing my uncle was no longer in pain made things a lot more bearable.

My uncle was not a religious man, so there was none of the “praying them into heaven” stuff I hate so much. I have threatened to haunt my husband if he does that to me.

Cranky I’m so sorry for what you and your sib are going through right now. May your parent’s passing be peaceful and surrounded by loved ones. This is a tough situation to be in. You, your sib and all your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

The funerals for both my father and younger brother were very nice. The minister shared lots of memories of both. Sad though both funerals were, there was also laughter and smiles at some of the memories shared. After both funerals, we had a gathering of family and friends to eat and share in some more memories. My uncle’s funeral this February was the same type of funeral with a family gathering afterwards. Being able to share fond memories as well as shed tears for the passing of a loved one is important. I suggest sharing lots of memories of your parent, whether it be from the minister or whoever is officiating or by family members during the service. It is a very uplifting thing for family to experience.

One of the best funerals I ever attended was for a friend several years ago. There were lots of remembrances of him and lots of participation from those who attended. For my part, I read some scripture that my friend was fond of and which fit nicely in with the service. There was music, a very warm and moving eulogy and lots of people fondly remembering Ed. Afterwards there was a cookout in his honor. It was a party like Ed would have wanted. Burgers, fixin’s and kegs of beer. Again there was a time of sharing memories of him and toasting him. A great tribute to a good friend and great man.

Hope this helps with ideas.

At my mother-in-law’s funeral, the preacher, who knew her pretty well, guessed that she was already reorganizing the choir in Heaven.

All three of her children spoke a little piece about her life as a teacher and mother.

The oldest grandchild talked about Grandma’s influence on them.

Then she read a piece ghost-written for all eight great-grandchildren’s memories of Grandma Great.

Something that we did at my brother’s funeral turned out really nice. His friends actually insisted that “no backhoe was going to bury Tom” and they brought many shovels to the grave site. After the service we all filled it in together.

I know that may sound weird but it provided definite closer to the event and after several days of sitting around a little physical work was a good thing.
I hope things go easy for you and your family.

Two months ago we buried a friend of mine.
She was 32 and had fought cancer for 8 years.

She had her funeral completely thought out about a year ago.
She was at home - with her beloved cat - where we could see her face for the last time.
Then we drove to an old church [nowadays used as an art-centre] in our own cars with Kit [my friend]laying in an old VW Van, with flowers all over the roof, driving in front of us.

The ‘church’ was decorated with sunflowers. Kit was wrapped in a beautiful Indian sheet and was resting in a sort of basket.
Hunderds of candles had been lit.
A photo of Kit and her cat was at her feet. Lots of sunflowers there, too.

Kit had no religion, so there wasn’t a priest, or minister.
Her brothers and sister spoke. So did her friends.
They cried their eyes out, but they spoke.
The music Kit had picked was a mixture of Abba, classical music and a Dutch song that said: “Oh how beautiful life is, when the sun shines”.

Then we drove to the cemetary.
A peaceful one, next to the Amstel river.
We held hands when Kit’s basket was lowered into the grave.

Then we went home, got our picnic stuff and went to the park, with all the funeral attendees and their children. [That was Kit’s wish too]
We had lots of drinks and cheered Kit.
It was a good day.
Goodbye Kit. I love you, girl.

[It’s a coïncedence that this thread appears. I was talking to my brother only a couple of days ago about my own funeral. I’d appreciate tips also. Or ought I open another thread?]

CrankyAsAnOldMan and all of you who grief: All my best.

CrankyAsAnOldMan sorry to hear about your parent. Hospice is the right choice.

As for my family, my mother’s side, we do the Irish Funeral! The actual funeral service at the church is the usual. Someone gets up and gives the eulogy stating the good, fun, and loving aspect of the persons life. But the after funeral and cemetery services is the real thing. We party. Go some place, usually a relative’s house and have party in honor of the deceased. The booze comes out, we get drunk, and trade and tell stories of all the good, fun, hilarious, loving, quarks, and yes bad things of the fallen. It is a party. We have a great time and through this event, thank the person for all the warmth, laughs, love and joy they bought our lives. IMHO that is the best way to say good by to a loved one.

My Grandfathers was the biggest. Line out the door scene at the church. Packed wall to wall at house party. He was a big barrel chested Irish man. Ex FBI then lawyer. He loved fishing and especially with his grandchildren. He had a thing for sayings. To his grandchildren … "Are we down hearted? Noooo. Then let the lions roar… ROOOOAAR. Twenty years later I still can’t go near kahlua.

I don’t know if this can apply to you, but I sat next to my grandpa’s casket and read.

My grandpa was buried in the Thai tradition where the body is put in a very thick, almost impenetrable tomb-like casket and put on display (casket was closed) where friends and family came to pay respects for a week.

Rather than deal with my grieving family and hysterical grandmother and aunts, I went behind the floral arrangements that were next to the casket, and sat against the casket and read. I know it sounds a bit morbid, but I found that it really helped me through the grief because it felt like I got to spend a bit of alone time with my grandpa. Like he was sitting there reading with me. He used to defend me against my dad when I was growing up (I don’t get along with my dad) and it felt like he was helping me to stick it to my dad one more time before he really left me. My grandpa was an awesome man.

And I even got to avoid my dad because how can you deny the granddaughter some time with her grandpa? He seemed pretty mad that I wouldn’t meet the rest of my relatives, but I just wanted to spend some time with my grandpa before he was cremated.

But when we stood there and watched his casket go into flames, I lost it. So I don’t recommend cremation if you’re going to watch…

And of course I hit submit before I’m done with my post. :smack:

I’m very sorry about your parent, CrankyAsAnOldMan. Think about the happy times in their life and make sure that they remember those memories in their remaining days. Lots of hugs and kisses will show that you love them.

Most of the funerals I’ve attended have been for fellow firefighters. The line of duty death are only positive in that they died doing what they wanted to do-serving their community. The positive funerals are for those long term members, be they rank and file or Chiefs/ other officers who dedicated their lives to the service of others.

When I was 15 a friend of mine died because he had a seizure while riding his bike and fell into a ditch, he drowned.

Because he drowned the body was in excellent condition, so the open casket was less - creepy than I have been to.

The funeral was too solemn and dry for someone like Kyle. He was spirited and loud and into heavy metal music. We offered a tape to the director and soon everyone was smiling to the sounds of Motley Crue Dr.Fellgood (his favorite).

The best thing is when it’s personal and just for that person. I have since been to three memorials (only one with casket) which were both very well done and reflective of the person.

That makes it memorable and positive. I am a religious person, but unless the person was very religious, I think that part is often overdone in a funeral. The best parts are the parts when loved ones share stories, generally humourous and warm.

If you can, try to get speakers that would know the person in different ways (child, long ago friend, current friend, sibling). That way you get to hear stories that not everyone would have been privy to.

My thoughts are with you. Even though your parent is in a hospice and you have time to plan it’s still a difficult time. Take care.