For people who have siblings who are moochers, have ya’ll ever said something about it to them? Even if it was just in a joking manner?
Because I’m starting to come to the opinion that clueless people are like that for a reason. Some clueless people are jerkish enough not to care how gauche they come across, but most probably do. They just need someone to yell at them a couple of times.
I didn’t bring anything for Thanksgiving this year, but I did help with clean-up afterwards. If I hadn’t, I would have expected good-natured ribbing about my laziness. In fact, I plan on doing this to my teenaged nieces at Christmas. I’m tired of seeing them just sitting there while everyone else is working.
Wow, that sounds exhausting. I’m glad I’m not forced to do all that work throughout the year.
So, he’s an in-law? As in, he’s just there because he’s married to your sister, and he doesn’t want to be there?
Yeah, not everybody’s a cook.
Again: sounds exhausting. Fine if big, busy, setup-intensive gatherings like that are your thing, but if they’re not your thing, they can be a PITA, and all that work can be way more trouble than it’s worth.
Okay, I was starting to have some sympathy for Dale, but now I’ve lost most of it.
And, I’m becoming increasingly less sympathetic…
So, sounds like he didn’t want to be there in the first place, and was just putting in an appearance out of a sense of obligation?
Hey, wait a minute—when you said he was your brother-in-law, I thought he was married into this family, and just came to these big, busy gatherings because his wife and kids wanted to be there. Now you’re saying he came alone?
My mother had this issue with her sister in laws as long as my Grandmother was alive.
My grandmother had three boys. My Dad is the oldest and married my mother. My mother was from a big “pitch in” family where all the women headed to the kitchen to clean up and you brought something. From the interactions I had with my grandmother’s family (her sisters, my Dad’s cousin’s) it was the same there.
My grandmother, always a selfish woman, would sit after dinner. As she got older, that is to be expected, but she sat after dinner from the time I was little, leaving my mother and my uncle’s girlfriends to clean up - and later my mother and my sister’s and I.
My uncles didn’t marry those helpful girls. They married women who had the “I’m a guest, I’m not cleaning up” attitude (and don’t look to the men in this family, it wasn’t an egalitarian one). So for thirty five years, my mother, my sisters and I would spent an hour cleaning up - while everyone else sat.
That’s a lovely picture - I am suddenly a wedding dress connoisseur and I love yours.
This isn’t the thread to go on about my evil half brother - these are benign assholes - but let me just mention that, as expected, when I announced my engagement he put himself back in the psych ward within a week on another bogus complaint because, one surmises, he felt threatened and also somebody else was getting some attention.
Dangerosa, your post reads like the guys weren’t even expected to help. If I’d married into that family and were expected to pitch in while my husband sat on his ass, I wouldn’t be super motivated, either, at least not until I kicked him into gear.
/ edit: d’oh. Missed your parenthetical!
My aunt has done the following while I have hosted Thanksgiving:
rubbed her finger along a spot on the oven that I missed when cleaning, saying “would this not come off? Oh look, it does…” (this is a woman who has not cleaned her house or potty trained any dog in the entire time I’ve known her - which is all my life)
pointed and raised her voice across a crowded kitchen to get my attention to point out how much weight I’ve gained and ask me to lift up my shirt so she can see it better
this year, my parents hosted, my aunt called everybody and told them what to bring (green bean casserole, corn, etc.) and then proceeded to back out at the last minute and not attend
What the fuck? Really. What is wrong with people??
The aforementioned Mom has done something similar to your first example. When my firstborn was about a week and a half old, my mom came to visit and said, “Wow, it’s gotten kind of messy in here.” Later in that same visit, she asked, “So, is anything new and exciting?”
Well, like Dale my brother and sister-in-law would arrive (at least an hour late) to every family gathering. While everyone was pitching in, they’d sit. And their children would run wild. Apparently since they’d come to my parents’ house, my parents were supposed to discipline the kids. After dinner, while the daughters would start the dishes. And brother and S-I-L would still sit. My brother would spout his latest conspiracy theories.
In our family, sitting is what guests do. Family pitches in. My S-I-L my wonder why she never really became accepted into the family. She was never one of us because she never shared the burden that comes with being in a family.
One of my sisters is generous and giving, but has become so wrapped up in her own health, she can’t talk about anything else, and takes every opportunity to to the conversation to her and her most recent ER visit. She would be much healthier if she dropped 150 lbs and got a job. When her son was in a bad car accident and had a prolonged recovery, she never seemed ill - she was too busy worrying and caring for him. Now she’s qualified for disability and the world is supposed to revolve around her and her medical issues. Mind you, they haven’t diagnosed anything definitive. She might have MS, she’s definitely diabetic, she has some liver issues (although she’s never been a drinker or taker of illicit drugs, docs are all too ready to prescribe meds, which are probably all filtered by her liver). And it’s all a shame, because she has a lot to offer. She’s literally given the coat off her back to a homeless person (while assuming the family would make sure she had a replacement).
It can come across as a deliberate exclusion of the stepmother as if she’s not a real member of the family and doesn’t count. The parents are no longer married. Dad is married to someone else. She’s now a member of the family. Having pictures reflect that seems appropriate. Having pictures leave her out because she wasn’t biologically involved?
There may be reasons for doing specific photos without her, but as a general rule, she should be included.
This is definitely a difference in family/social expectations. Perhaps one should classify it as the difference between “**I’**m throwing a party” and “We’re having a get-together”. If I’m throwing a party, then it would be odd for me to invite guests and then require them to do slave labor at the event. But if we are having a get together, the fact that we are having it at one specific location does not mean that one person is fully responsible, we are all hosts and all guests. So everyone pitching in is common contribution to a common experience.
I had this exact conflict in expectations blow up in my face a couple years ago, when I invited a couple friends to the Thanksgiving dinner being held at my house. Note I say being held - my mother is the one who volunteered my house. It made it more convenient for my aunt, who has health difficulties and needed to be closer to her home than my parents’ house, and it gave my parents an excuse to come visit and check out my house. We invited my friends because they had met my parents before and it seemed like it would be fun to have them over. Well, they expected a more formal arrangement than is my family norm, so things got off on the wrong foot. And the clash in expectations created some really sore feelings and a last minute cancellation, with complete confusion on my part what the issue even was.
Because, silly person, us atheists are supposed to shut up and pretend we don’t exist - even in our own home. Didn’t you get the memo?
Sounds like Mean Mr. Mustard is the in-law, and this is his wife’s family. Or both families have one gathering?
When I was young, my mother’s family would have an annual get together for 4th of July, open to all the extended family. My father’s siblings were welcome, and his brother attended several with us. Of course, we could invite any number of guests, including close friends or whatever. My brother had his college buddy come one year, and one year my sister had her best friend tag along. Not to mention neighbors of the “host” household. This was definitely a pot luck event and an “everyone pitch in” affair.
My totally clueless step-brother is almost 50 and has never had an sort of lasting relationship. So he decided to use one of those mail-order-bride services. He decided to marry a woman from Viet Nam because he’d heard they were especially submissive and would do all the housework. So he went to Viet Nam with the agency, and they literally brought out a bunch of woman and he could pick whichever one he wanted. So he made his choice, they got married and he brought her to the States and they lived pretty happily for about 6 weeks. One night they drank a little too much wine together and she admitted… dun dun dun… wait for the shocker… she only married him because he was American and she wanted to leave the poverty of Viet Nam! Shocking! Horrifying! Inconceivable! She didn’t marry him out of love! He was totally surprised and heartbroken by the news. He stuck her on the next possible plane to Viet Nam and hasn’t seen her again.
Every gathering all he does is complain about her and how she deceived him
A soon-to-be ex SIL.
When she got married she told my brother she wanted to be a stay at home mom for a whil to her son by a previous relationship. Bro agreed they could manage on one income until my nephew started preschool. I admire stay at home parents-it’s hard work and I’d go insane trying to do a good job. You know all that stuff stay at home moms usually do? Clean, cook, fucking interact with the kid? Apparently she didn’t feel like any of that was her responsibility. Bro would come home from a ten-hour work day to pick up the house, cook dinner and give the kiddo some attention.
When it was time for nephew to start preschool, surprise! She’s pregnant. Whoops, can’t get a job in this condition. :rolleyes:
She once stated that she considered herself “off the clock” the minute my brother stepped through the door. She also admitted if she knew he’d be home in an hour or so, she’d put off doing stuff so he’d be stuck with it. Including changing the baby’s diaper.
One of the kids has a slight disability. Can function ok but the pediatrician recommended some weekly therapy as a way of catching up with other kids. Nephew showed progress for the first month or so, but then SIL stopped taking him, cause it was so hard to drive 20 minutes for his appointments.
More than once she whined to my mother about how Mom just didn’t understand how challenging it was to raise two kids. Mom raised eight kids, worked and was heavily involved in our school activities.
I really don’t understand how my brother let this go on as long as he did. Thank god the divorce will be through soon.
Damn, if that was my brother, I’d have beaten his ass bloody, physically thrown him from the front porch and completely disowned him as a family member.
Dude, if you allow someone like that to set foot in your house again, you’re a damned fool.
When I was younger, I hated going to my step-uncle and step-aunt’s for Thanksgiving. She would not make a whole turkey, saying that it would not be eaten…so she made turkey parts. I did not know this and was expecting to see a nice turkey come out like at my parents’ house… She made turkey legs…it looked like the Rockettes on a platter!!!
We always ate before we went to their house. Step aunt would ask how many hot dogs or hamburgers you could eat…and that was all you got.
Cousins…close to the one my age…but her brother was a holy terror when he was young. They came down to Jersey (they lived in mid state NY) and I was not home yet. I was about 7, and had a bookcase in my closet full of books (former neighbor worked for Golden Publishing and I had every Little Golden book ever). He was about 3 at the time and they let him in my room to play…he ripped apart and colored in every book that was on a shelf he could reach. So glad that my good books were up too high.
Also, when cousins were young, they did not like to eat. Junk food, yes, regular food, no. We all went out to a nice Chinese restaurant up by their house. I ordered what I wanted and my step-uncle told me that I was not going to eat all of that…his kids had soup…and they whined the whole time and were miserable. Step-aunt ended up taking them home…I had a very nice dinner…pretty sad though…
