Maybe I’m misremembering you from someone else and if so please forgive me. But you’ve given out a lot of parenting advice here, do you even have a child(ren)? Because I could have sworn I remember you in a different thread saying you didn’t.
I’ve really been struck by not just your detached attitude in the couple of Frylocktown threads that have been brought to my attention in the last couple of days but your overall, idk, I’m not sure how to put it, lack of maturity. When I first opened this thread and began reading, I assumed you were a teacher talking about one of your students. My head did a double-take and I had to re-read the entire OP to make sure I hadn’t misread it when I realized that you were the fucking father.
This post above is a great example of the attitude and lack of maturity I’m talking about. It makes me picture (ironically, I suppose) a bratty 8 year old sticking his fingers in his ears and shaking his head and yelling, “Nu uh, nu uh! I can’t hear you!” I know the anonymity of the identities here is supposed to be sound and good, but I sure hope your daughter never finds this thread anywhere in the future knowing her father’s formerly secret screenname.
I’m referring to the quoted post of you telling her you didn’t want her in the thread anymore. It did provide me with another opportunity to spill food all over myself tho. So thanks!
I don’t think you really did. We can’t know what you have or haven’t thought about, but we can know what you are claiming to know. And one of the things you say you don’t know is whether you have any coverage for therapy. But you’ve been complaining about her behavior for a year and claim that there’s a worry because of depression.
Do you see how odd that is?
Don’t get me wrong, I see that you’re stressed. And I know that when I’m stressed, I tend to avoid thinking about things. I am a grade-A champion at that. But that isn’t working for you, and it’s definitely not working for her.
I’m not going to scold you over not liking your kid right now. Sometimes, we love people and still think they are obnoxious twerps. But the best thing is to figure out how to get back into the place where you love her AND like her a whole lot.
monstro may not be right with all of her guesses, but they are good things to think about. None of us know you or your child. We’ve just got what you post here and, well, some of it is really weird.
I know everyone is frustrating you and it sucks, but some things are just frustrating and sucky. Good luck.
No I don’t know how of that is. I’ll know if she has coverage the day I am asked how I’ll be paying for the service. There’s no particular pursuing need to know before then.
That should say odd, not of, in the first sentence.
Anyway I’m getting far too much feedback her and elsewhere, including from professionals who work with children, indicating her behavior lately is within normal parameters. I have yet to see a good reason to assume anything clinical is going on here.
The rough rule of thumb is to find twice as many things to comment positively about as to set limits about.
Another approach recommended by some for kids who are well past the standard limit setting approaches (and often kids who warrant diagnostic labels, be it oppositional defiant disorder or what ever) is laid out in this book - The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene. The brief synopsis is to think of behaviors as falling into three baskets: the smallest being the things that no matter what you need to enforce because they are items of safety - tantrum or not no running into the street, for example; the biggest basket contains behaviors that you completely ignore; and the middle one are ones that you negotiate about one behavior at a time teaching skills of compromise, problem solving, and self-control along the way with the goal of slowly adding more from the second basket into the third along the way.
Turecki’s books are also very very good, more than anything else for giving a vocabulary to help describe what exactly is going on. We all have temperaments that vary in multiple dimensions and describing those variations is like describing wines … what the heck do they mean by oaky and so on? Here is a thumbnail about temperaments:
Some parents and kids are better matches temperamentally than others.
Grades at age eight are not a major issue honestly. Learning self regulation and how to express anger in socially appropriate ways is. Most gifted programs (“high ability”) for third graders (I assume) are not about homework being done. And many are used to a few kids who are gifted in some ways and challenged in others. Odds are that if you discuss the homework battles with the teacher (s)he would tell you to back off supervising and let him/her deal with your daughter one on one when things are not done and develop solutions that do not involve your butting heads with her.
Yes, I have seen kids described like this at eight turn out as wonderful teens to young adults and I have seen them grow into disturbed teenagers with major problems. Even if we all knew you and your child in real life we would just be guessing which this kid will be.
But the main thing I’d say to you Frylock is that do not have to like your kid. But if you love her (which I suspect you do) then you do what you need to do to increase the odds of her growing up to be someone capable of negotiating, of problem solving, of self-regulation, even if it ends up meaning getting help to do so which is scary and stressful to do.
My severely ADHD daughter had the same homework issues. Then she got 6th grade teachers who went far overboard with homework, most of it just for the sake of being able to say their classes were rigorous. It was a hellish school year; my daughter already had huge emotional problems, and the homework pushed her over the edge. Her psychological problems became severe enough that we did take her to therapists, to little avail. I’d told her teachers she couldn’t handle it, and they said to just make her work for only an hour every evening and then call it a day. But she always knew she hadn’t been able to do the assignments, and it frustrated her immensely. Why struggle for an hour every day? After 6 months of my daughter struggling and failing, I finally told her teachers that she had suffered enough, she would not be receiving any more homework for the rest of the school year unless *she *requested it, and if they had any problems with it they could call her therapist. At that point they kind of saw the light, apologized, and went along with it. Her behavior improved immediately, and she really got back to liking school again.
Perhaps **Frylock **can work with the teachers to reduce the homework load for awhile and see if it helps with her behavior.
What’s the difference? He says he’ll take her in either way.
Frylock, the reason to check out your insurance ahead of time is that even if you have coverage, it may have in-network vs out-of-network therapists, so you could save a fortune by picking one in-network. For example, our insurance covered 100% of in-network, but only 60% of out-of-network. When you start talking child psychiatrists, it adds up very quickly.
I see a lot of book recommendations above and I want to second, third, and fourth that suggestion. But, you don’t have to buy them.
I would take myself up to the local big book store, the one with the coffee shop in it, and get a big coffee. Then I would grab about 5 parenting books and look through them for advice on whatever problem I was having. Each book has different suggestions and you can quickly figure out what tactic(s) might work best with your particular kid.
(And really, my parenting examples weren’t all that good- sorry mom and dad- so I did need some better advice.)
One thing that worked well for me was preemptive and positive reinforcement. Changing that (in me) helped a whole lot. Catching her before the meltdown and rewarding behavior that diverts the impending crisis might help change, delay, reduce or divert the undesired behavior.
Don’t let the critics above get you down when they are being insulting and suggesting you aren’t a fit parent for ‘loving but not liking’ a kid. Those of us who have felt something like that understand what you mean. Some kids you are just really sympatico with and others challenge you in ways that are surprising and require you to stretch quite a bit.
I really do love my ‘difficult’ child is a special way because that one keeps me from getting complacent! However, the others are a whole lot easier! LOL!
If you go to Psychologytoday.com you can do a search for therapists in your area with different specialities.
They also let you search by insurance company. It can be the difference between paying $150 vs $15 a session. I’m not sure why you’re resistant to finding out what your insurance covers and so you know ahead of time which therapists may participate. It’s a useful first step.
It seems like you and your daughter have one thing in common: extreme frustration and anger when your self-image is even remotely threatened. The persecution complex that you ascribe to your daughter also shows up in your posting history. It often seems like you take offense when people reach unflattering conclusions about you, even when those conclusions are reasonable and logical given the available information (like when your kid was jumping on the waiting room couch). It’s as though you think that just because you consider your motivations good and justifiable, anyone who thinks otherwise is unfairly judging you. What is also evident is that you cling very hard to your own perception of things, in a dogmatic way.
This is probably not that far off from how your daughter views herself in the world. She acts in a way that seems logical to her, but is inappropriate, baffling, and obnoxious to others. She probably feels misunderstood all of the time because of this, which only makes things worse.
She needs therapy, and it might not be a bad idea for you as well.
I think you may be remembering a thread related to vaccination in which I said I did not have a “child” to vaccinate, meaning a person I am responsible for under age eighteen. Mine is in her twenties, so my opinion is backed by years of experience, don’t worry.
Children are extremely sensitive to their parents attitudes towards them and are very perceptive to all verbal and non-verbal cues with which they form their behavior around you.
Your daughter believes that you don’t like her, her behavior, her company, or are impressed by anything she does. Even worse, based on your own behavior and feelings expressed in your OP. She’s right! So… why would she care about you or what you want her to do?
At 8 yrs. old you can still change your relationship, because if you don’t, you’re in for a world of trouble when she gets to her tweens and beyond.
I wouldn’t expect any reassurance from people here at all, especially because you and your siblings never acted this way. Which may or may not even be true, your parents may disagree.
I don’t want to sound harsh, I’m not angry with you, I’m actually sad you feel this way.
*Disclaimer - I’m not a psychologist but I played one for 4 years in University back in the 80’s but I do have 3 kids of similar age.
If you are too busy for therapy, are you finding time to spend quality time with her? As has been addressed upthread, children need attention and if it takes yelling and screaming to get it that is what they will do. All behavior has a purpose. My best guesses as to the purpose of her behavior, is either she is hypersensitive to stimuli and feels overwhelmed by a surge of adrenaline and overreacts to rid her body of that energy. Or she is feeling neglected by two busy parents and subconsciously enjoys the attention when you are fighting with her.
If it is the first reason, teach her some techniques to calm herself, such as meditative breathing, visualization, etc. Also try to get her involved with something that involves exercise, youth sports, martial arts, walking the dog, etc. If you have the correct insurance a therapist can help here.
If it is the second reason, try to listen to her everyday, if she finds out that everything does not have to be a crisis for her to be heard, then she will have fewer crises. Next, both you and your wife find something to do with her that she likes you can bond over. It could be a television show, a hobby, a craft, a meal out, anything would work as long as you can share it and she likes it. She is plenty young for your relationship to go from poor to great, but you both will need a good relationship heading into her teen years.
It shows alot about the kind of person you are, that you are willing to humble yourself and ask for advice about such a personal subject. Very admirable.
this is why I practically never ask for real advice online. you’ll get a hundred different answers, all from people who are 100% convinced they’re right, and 100% convinced that you’re awful if you don’t immediately agree with them. so you end up in the same place you started, but now you feel like shit because everyone’s told you what a bad person they think you are.
I don’t know why it’s unreasonable for the OP to seek professional help, if 1) he doesn’t have the tools and knowledge to effectively manage his daughter’s personality and 2) his daughter’s personality is causing problems at school and with her relationships with others. You don’t have to be mentally ill to see a therapist, and there’s no crime in being mentally ill either.
Better that the OP get her help now, while she’s a child and still impressionable, rather than wait until she’s older and more fixed in her ways.
So thanks!