My friend Mary Lou is on the board (total of 12 members) of a civic organization. A fellow board member, a woman in her middle-60s whom I’ll call Mrs. Crump, comes to board meetings unbathed, unwashed, in dirty clothes, with long dirty nails, dirty feet, and is generally a reeking mess. No one can sit near her because of the smell. Mrs. Crump is of otherwise sound mind and contributes to the board meetings, but seems oblivious to the impact of her appearance and odoriferous-ness on everyone.
Mrs. Crump is a widow of two years (which anyone who is widowed will tell you is not very long at all), and Mary Lou is surmising that Mrs. Crump is likely depressed. Mr. Crump was ill for years before he died, and speaking for myself as a wife who cared for an ill husband for years, you do let yourself go, as his well-being becomes your highest priority. Right or wrong, it happens. You can lose yourself in this situation.
Mary Lou and I were discussing how she might address the issue. I suggested she ask the staff member who is the liaison with this board to see if Mrs. Crump provided an emergency contact when she signed on. Maybe there is a relative or close friend who can be invoked. Mary Lou definitely doesn’t feel she knows Mrs. Crump well enough to say anything directly to her, so I said I’d come here to the Fount and Source of All Practical Wisdom and ask if anyone has any ideas.
Anyone ever face a situation like this? Bear in mind that Mrs. Crump occupies a volunteer position and no one really has any authority over her.
“Mrs. Crump, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your smell is off-putting to the rest of the board. Is there anything wrong, or anything I can help you with?”
Yeah, what manson1972 said. You’ve got to be forthright and calm and not present it in a judgmental way, but someone has to man up and have the talk with her. At my workplace we call this a Crucial Conversation.
You could take it up one level from that, since it appears to be her overall self care that is suffering. I also wonder if perhaps she is homeless?
“Mrs. Crump, we’ve all noticed that you seem to be unwell, or that you may lack access to a washroom and laundry. We value your input at our meetings and want to know if there is anything we can do to help.”
Whoever has the conversation should be prepared with some referral information to services like Meals on Wheels, the local senior center, or local homeless shelters. Is there a pastor or minister on the Board? They might have more experience with a conversation like this, as well as experience with the area’s resources. They might also be less threatening or judgmental in demeanor.
If she really reeks, she might actually be unwell. I deal with homeless people, and they don’t necessarily smell awful. Some do, but the ones who do usually, you don’t see for long.
I have always felt kind of guilty about this woman in college we used to make fun of. She didn’t shower every day, but she had horrible BO-- so bad, her roommate used to stay in my room after a while. She smelled a lot like formaldehyde. I don’t know how a person could smell like that just from not bathing, and much, much later, I wondered if maybe she had some sort of metabolic disorder, and she may have avoided showering, either because it didn’t help much, or because the smell transferred to the shower, and she’d had complaints about that in some other situation. It was so bad that at one point, you could smell it outside her door.
But I suppose if she has visibly dirty nails and clothes, then it really could just be a hygiene problem. I wonder if she lives with pets, and doesn’t keep her home clean.
I’ve heard that some people have a genetic disposition that prevents them from smelling BO. They are confused and feel persecuted when others criticize their smell.
I worked with a guy that was sometimes pretty rank. We worked outside and doing manual labor so deodorant was a must. One of the guys, a friend of the stinker, said to him, “Man, someones deodorant failed them today.” We all thought that was a pretty good way to handle it until stinky replied “It isn’t mine, I don’t wear any.”
You may try something like that and be blunt but not accusing, of course it may just roll off and do no good at all. Good luck.
I don’t really get these responses, as I thought an anonymous email was a good way of handling such a situation (fortunately for me I have never had to send - or receive - one). Surely your second sentence also applies if one person tells her discreetly. As in, she will still think “if someone is actually raising this, everyone must have noticed”.
With an anonymous email, not only does it remove embarrassment from the sender, it is the least confrontational way to present it and allows the recipient to maintain the most dignity - at least to my mind.
So now the poor woman can go around the rest of her life wondering who sent her that letter, and her relationships with everyone at work will be poisoned. If you have a problem with me bring the problem to me in person! Anonymous letters are cowardly and distressing to the recipient.
Drawing upon the incredibly scientific stuff I’ve learned from Pathology TV (Lifetime/TLC/A&E): she might be a hoarder who lost some control when her husband passed. She’s at the age when hoarding disorders can quickly accelerate and when they do a person’s hygiene and appearance can change drastically. I wonder if this might be the case.
And, drawing upon some actual respectable psychology studies: Diogenes Syndrome (“Senior Squalor Disorder”) can be a condition that manifests as filthy home conditions and “extreme self-neglect” (Wikipedia).
To clarify: this is not strictly a workday situation. We’re talking about a small, volunteer community board that meets monthly at most. Total number of people involved is about 15. It’s not like everyone on the 25th floor of IBM or AT&T is going to know about this.
I truly don’t know whether an in-person talk or an anonymous email would be more distressing. It seems to me that Mrs. Crump is in such distress that either of these approaches might be appropriate. There dosn’t appear to be a lot of self-awareness at work. I mean, this isn’t a woman who hasn’t skpped deodorant on a hot day; she is clearly in a bad way–no bathing, long dirty nails, etc. (reread the OP).
Mary Lou has read y’all’s responses and thanks everyone. Do continue to add suggestions, if you’re so inclined.
We consider it pretty fundamentally important to be allowed to face our accusers, even when it comes to relatively inconsequential things like this. The anonymous email is a bad idea.
Thelma, I agree with your initial thought - Mrs. Crump may very well be distressed. I think you’re on the right track with trying to figure out what her external support structure looks like.
Sorry guys, I still don’t get it. I’m trying to imagine how I would react if, right now, I received such an anonymous email. Of course I would be wondering who sent it, but mainly I would be relieved that they had spared me the excruciatingly embarrassing conversation had they broken the news in person. Either way, I can get on and do something about it (probably starting by asking for more details). I wouldn’t think less of any of my colleagues/friends/family even though I would know for sure one of them must have sent it.
It’s kind of like if you are in a car with one other person who you maybe don’t know that well, and it suddenly smells like someone has broken wind. You know for sure it wasn’t you. If you mention the issue, either it was the other person and they immediately feel embarrassed, or it wasn’t, and they assume you mentioned it to cover up the fact you were the culprit. So, better to just ignore it and then while both parties may have their suspicions, social decorum is maintained. Not quite the same here, but the point is I don’t see what is achieved by confrontation.
Probably just one of those ‘different strokes…’ situations. Maybe it’s because I’m British.