Please tell me your opinion: if a close friend from high school didn’t show up at your mom or dad’s viewing (for his own neurotic reasons that he’d rather not get into here), but later sent you a long letter/card in sympathy, would you still view the absence as a slap in the face?
I’ve tried the old “Well ask yourself how *you’d * feel” trick, but it doesn’t give me a satisfactory answer. I don’t think I’d be mad- I think I would just assume the friend couldn’t be there for some reason.
No. And honestly I had other thoughts in mind than my friend’s attendance when my father passed away.
However, it’s a particularily dramatic event, so I assume you never know how people might react. If your friend knows about your “neurotic reasons” he shouldn’t be hurt, though. Anyway, you could probably visit him/her later. Grieving people don’t need support only on the day of the viewing/burial. Being with him in person might be better than just sending a letter.
I would not be offended, but please cut your friend as much slack as possible. Losing a parent can do some really odd things to your worldview for a while.
That’s what I was thinking. We tend to self-centeredly say, oh they’ll be so miffed if I don’t show up. When really, if asked, the person would probably be like, I don’t give a f*ck who could make it and who couldn’t, I’m just trying to get through the day.
Though some would * give a fck.
Hear what you’re sayin, DG. I don’t believe my friend is the type to worry about that stuff, but… like you said, you never know.
I take it to mean the tradition of having a time set aside for friends of the deceased to visit the funeral home (or church) to “pay their respects” and express their sympathy to the family. This is separate from (sometimes immediately preceeding) the formal funeral service. The term “viewing” is used since the casket (and body, usually) is present for viewing.
Some good friends came to my dad’s viewing and it meant a lot to me. Other good friends didn’t come and I wasn’t offended. (Partially because the weather was terrible and I would rather have live friends than a full viewing)
I would say that if you were close to the deceased, go. If not, then make sure that you are as supportive as possible for your friend, in whatever way works best for you.
I thought that was probably what a “viewing” was. No doubt the practice occurs in Australia too, but I’ve never come across it. I’ve only ever attended the funeral service in the church or cemetery, where the coffins are closed. People generally meet after the funeral to pay their respects to the family. If I were invited to a viewing I wouldn’t go.
I come from a tradition (Quaker) that not only doesn’t have “viewings,” we don’t have the corpse at the memorial service (not usually called a “funeral”). I find viewings creepy as hell and have never been to one.
If this person is a good friend, get together with him or her at some point and let them spend some time just yammering on about how they feel – that kind of free-form listening was absolutely the most valuable thing to me after my mother died. If the person used to be a friend but is no longer particularly close, write a letter. If you’re okay with attending a funeral, go to that.
In the interests of further explanation, one isn’t generally (in my experience) invited to a viewing. Usually the obituary listing in the newspaper will have the time and place of the funeral and the time and place of the visitation (or viewing). You just sort of show up if you feel the need.
I do understand the apprehension. The only non-family visitation I’ve ever attended was for the father of a friend I knew in highschool. He died a few months ago, after a long illness. It was weird. I didn’t know what to say or do really, but it seemed that she appreciated me (and about 10 or 15 other friends from highschool) being there.
I went to one viewing in my life. It was my grandfather’s and it was both the first and last time I ever set eyes on him. I was seriously creeped out and I didn’t even know him. I will never, ever go to another viewing and wouldn’t expect anyone else to, either.
[Lou Grant]And when I go, just put my hat on my head and put me out with the trash[/lg]
My grandmother hasn’t gone to a funeral in probably 20 years. She can’t, her blood pressure goes through the roof. That’s just one of many, many Very Good Reasons someone can’t/won’t go to a viewing.
Say lots of nice (sincere) stuff about the dead parent in the letter. They’ll probably keep it forever; I know I would.
The viewing is for the family and loved ones. People go there to give support to their friends who are grieving. Getting a long letter of sympathy is an act of support and should be viewed as such. It probably took longer to write the letter than most people spend at the viewing. Some people have hang-ups about funerals that are perfectly understandable. I go to viewings but personally HATE open caskets. I also don’t like public displays of emotion and as I get older it is virtually impossible to avoid it.
Life is for the living and friendship is what makes the effort worthwhile. If anything, the death of a loved one should be a reminder of this.
If I were forced to go to a viewing, I’d stay as far away from the body as I possibly could. I find the whole concept creepy as hell. It helps some people, I know, but if I’m put on display I’ll come back to haunt those who did it!
Your friend will be needing support for a long time to come, though, so don’t worry that you missed this so you’ve missed your chance. It took me months to get back to a semblance of normal after my dad died.
Er, I caved (of course) and wound up going to calling hours at the church this morning before the funeral service. And now of course I feel like a heel for walking in, giving my friend a hug, barely exchanging pleasantries, shaking a few family members’ hands, and walking out. But at 10:30 in the morning, they’ve got to figure some people are just taking a little time off from work to come by. Right? Ah I’m sick of fretting about this stuff.
It was so good to see my friend, but of course it wasn’t the place for catching up. I was just in and out so quick, I feel like we glimpsed each other from moving cars or something. Partly my fault, I’m sure. I should’ve stayed for the service.
See? Fretting is our current drug of choice.
A good friend of mine had her dad’s viewing last spring. As far as I know, only family members and one very close family friend went. I could have gone, but I cannot handle viewings. Even the sight of my uncle’s closed casket at his church service last November just about did me in.
I remember seeing a family friend’s body in the open casket when I was a kid, and it was very disturbing to me.
I guess I’m just in a bad state of mind about such things lately, since in the last year so many friends of mine lost a parent as well as my having to say goodbye to my uncle. Our family’s tax preparer of many years, a kindly fellow, died in September as well. And my department head lost her husband and son within four months each other; and another colleague lost her husband. By early January I was thinking I couldn’t take it if one more death notice showed up in my mail or email.
Sorry to ramble on. What I just wrote sounds a bit selfish but I’m feeling rather delicate about the subject these days.