A very, very sad thread…I just found out that the 5 year old child of a high school friend of mine died this past week, and that there will be some sort of visitation within the next few days for people to come pay their condolences to the family. The death was apparently not a huge surprise; the poor baby was born with some sort of severe medical problem, and was not expected to live to adulthood.
Here’s the awkward part, which obviously pales in comparison to the central issue: the friend and I never really kept touch after high school (Class of ’86), not because of any specific falling-out, but just because we went in separate directions. She was always a wonderful, sweet, and sensitive person, and I still get bits of news about her and her family because a friend of my mom’s is also friendly with the family, and one of her sons is a good friend of one of the younger brothers. However, I haven’t run into or spoken with her personally in probably ten years.
The dilemma: should I go to the visitation? Sure, I’d feel awkward, but that’s hardly the point. Is my presence going to be welcome or comforting in any way, or is it just going to create more stress for her already overwhelmed family to deal with people who they haven’t seen in years and to whom they probably feel no real connection anymore?
I think you should go–it will be comforting and I guarantee you they’re in a daze anyway. They have bigger problems to deal with than the fact you haven’t spoken in ten years. So long as there wasn’t any sort of falling out, I think it will be appreciated. If you decide not to go, I suggest you send flowers or a plant to let them know they’re in your thoughts and have your deepest sympathy.
I have heard from people that this was one of the more gratifying experiences and one of the only bright spots about going through such a tragedy. That is, having people come out of the woodwork to say “I feel for you, I’m sorry, I heard about this.”
There are people who seem to be tragedy hangers-on–they suddenly buddy up to the family because they want to be part of the grieving, a part of the intense drama. But I doubt you’d be perceived that way.
I think it would be appropriate to go. If not, do send a card. It will be remembered for a long time.
Eva, I lost a daughter, and the people who came out of the woodwork to comfort me really meant a lot to me.
There really is no right thing to say at a time like this, really the only thing you can do is show up. It means a lot. Will it be awkward? Yes. It’s OK. It’s awkward for everybody, including those who were close.
Sending flowers is nice too. Here’s one really nice thing somebody did that I only throw out there. Somebody anonymously gave us $200. It was just in our mailbox with a note about how they knew funerals were never cheap and they just wanted to help out. I was really grateful.
Yeah, go to the visitation if you possibly can. It makes a huge difference when people come and show that they care. I was kinda struck speechless by people who told me that they had thought of coming to my son’s funeral but weren’t sure they were welcome or whatever. hard to know what to say in response.
Cards and flowers count a lot too. I’ve still got all the cards we received.
And yes, it is an awkward horrible experience where nobody knows the right thing to say because it’s just so wrong that children die
Please go. It is comforting to feel people care at this time. When my daughter died a friend I hadn’t seen in years and who had also lost a child came to see me. We sat and cried and held each other. If you don’t know what to say, just listen.
Yes. I worked for a year at a funeral home and someone in a situation like that needs all the support she can get. She won’t care that you haven’t seen each other in years.
But here’s a better story. A friend of the family died a few years ago. Our dads skied together–it was their dad who died. My sister and their daughter were very close in high school and college, but have lost contact since then. When my sister went to the funeral, she was very apprehensive and worried about what to say to W. But when she walked in none of that mattered. W. was so happy to see her there to pay respects and offer support; nothing else mattered.
Yes, definitely go to show your support. It’s also a good idea to make a donation to the charity of the family’s choice (perhaps a fund that goes toward research of the disease she had), if you haven’t done so already. I bet they’d be really pleased by that.
You should go. You may have lost touch, but you were close to each other at one time, and when you’re grieving it’s nice to see faces that remind you people care about you.
Yes, do go. I had a very best friend from 4th through 10th grade. Junior and Senior year she and I weren’t as close. No particular falling out. SHe played sports and I didn’t, etc. I visited her at college once and then no real contact for many years. (We also graduated in '86)
About two years ago her mom passed on. I went to the service. I never know what to say at those things but later on I called her and she mentioned that she was really glad to see so many people there.
When my father died, one of our High School teachers showed up at the wake. We were all very grateful for that, despite the fact that 2 of us hadn’t seen him in years.
Go. So many people feel awkward about a child’s death that the attendee’s might be kind of thin. I’d rather have a crowd of people at my child’s funeral than feel like no one cared. When my son died, I really appreciated the friends that came to support us.
Hugs to you, and to all the moms and dads, and everyone else who has lost a child they cared about.
I learned a lot about grief when my mom died. It doesn’t matter how long it has been since you have seen someone, and you don’t have to say much. The fact that you cared enough to be THERE for someone you care about is enough.
I always used to try to SAY the right things to people in grief…in spite of the fact that i really knew that there IS nothing right to say. But that was me, always trying to find the right words to help. Now I know…a simple “I am so very sorry. My prayers are with you” (or something like that) is all you can do. And it DOES help.
If for some reason you can’t go to the visitation, a card with the same message will make your friend feel less alone.
And what everyone else said too, in terms of flowers or practical help if you can do it.
My prayers and my heart go out to those of you who have lost children. I can’t think of a more horrible thing to have to go through.
Wow, amazing! Complete unanimity! I was leaning toward going, anyway. Now if I could just find out when and where the visitation will be, that would be helpful…
