Ok, I don’t post often but I thought the collective SDMB wisdom could be put to good use on my recent (entirely self-induced and whiny) ‘problem’.
I’ve got a male friend (who I admit I have the hots for) who is married, yet he and I have reasonably frequent email flirting / text / phone sex sessions. Now aside from berating me for being a big slut for doing this with a married man (I know, I know :smack: ) what’s the deal? Do men have text / phone sex with people that they don’t fancy?
As a bit of back story, we almost had a ‘thing’ just before he got married (a mere 12 months ago) but he decided that it was ‘wrong’. Well, I’m no Judgy Von Pruderson but I can’t imagine that the text sex thing is considered ‘right’ just because there aren’t any fluids mingling?! Or is it just me?
I should, of course, break it off immediately and have no further contact with him but I just wanted clarification on a key issue - he’s playing me isn’t he?
The applicable test here is the Wife Test: Would he be OK with his wife knowing about your sessions? If yes, then you’re fine. If no, then he should break it off.
I don’t want to berate you. However, this is one of those things where the right answer is so obvious that asking for advice is a delaying tactic, with a side helping of looking for at least one positive response to hang your decision on.
If he and his wife aren’t in an open or polyamorous relationship, then it’s not right. And I speak as someone who champions open/poly relationships for anyone who’s capable of having them. There’s no place this can go but down.
And, for the record, text sex is a pretty lame concept.
Realize that he chose another woman, made very specific vows to this woman, and is now either: in the process of destroying his marriage and/or using you because you’re willing to be used.
You may have the hots for him, but think about it this way: assuming he realizes his mistake, divorces his wife with no drawn out fights or ugliness, and picks up a relationship with you… would you really want to be involved with someone who, within a year of getting married, is already cheating?
Just to offer a differing point of view: Perhaps he feels that he made the wrong decision before, and would truly be happier with you but doesn’t know the “right way” to go about bringing it up with his wife.
That said, in this case that rationalization doesn’t smell right. In any event, the relationship you have with him at the moment can only lead to Bad Things and should be changed.
having been there and wrecked a perfectly good marriage by my own stupidity i have to say a couple of things about this.
firstly, it doesn’t matter one iota if you or he think its cheating or not, it’s what his wife thinks that matters, and i am damn certain that she knows nothing about this and would be devastated if she ever found out. after all, you NEARLY married him, how would you feel if less than a year later you found out that you were not in the relationship you thought you were in.
secondly, YES HE IS PLAYING YOU. he’s playing with his wife as well… and although he doesn’t realise it he’s playing with himself too… (i know i could have phrased that better but let it stand… )
the key thing is that although it may seem like a game it is a really nasty one. believe me i speak from experience. it’s a game where EVERYONE will end up getting hurt. the only sane thing to do is to just walk away before it gets any further. it may hurt for a while but you will soon realise just how stupid this whole situation is when you are out of it. :smack:
by the way, with a username like that you should watch out for hal…
I have to agree that this guy is playing you and his wife.
Maybe he has come up with some rationalization for it in his mind, but by my standards, no, it’s not right for a married man to be having these kinds of conversations with another woman. If you don’t end things now you could easily end up having a real life affair with this guy. It sounds like you were hoping for something more than just a sex fling with him, right? Don’t get involved with him until he has decisively ended his marriage. If you continue on this road, he’ll probably just end up using you for sex until his wife finally finds out and everyone ends up miserable.
Damn. And here I thought the OP was going to inquire what the hell “text sex” entails.
And phone sex, for that matter.
I don’t really understand either one at all.
Re: the OP, this is one of those scenarios where it’s obvious you already know the answer, you just want confirmation that he “really likes you.” And that maybe this “thing” you guys have will go somewhere.
He probably does like you, or at least find you attractive enough to imagine in a sexual scenario.
But he doesn’t respect you, or he wouldn’t be doing this with you while he’s a freakin’ newlywed.
I’m sure it’s fun and exciting and the illicit nature of it is part of its appeal, but don’t expect it to end happily.
fiercesheep-listen to all the nice people here, who, despite the fact they don’t know you, are giving you good advice and more respect than your married text lover has given you.
He’s not going to leave his wife, but you could be involved in something that will make HER leave HIM, and I guarantee you he won’t run into your arms.
Delete his number from your phone, don’t anser his emails and refuse to reply to his messages. Step up and do the right thing, you owe it to yourself and to his wife, but you don’t owe him anything.
By replying I feel like I’m just saying “me too” but you do need to end this fiercesheep. It’s a sure bet his wife doesn’t know and would go ballistic on both of you if she found out. As jayjay said unless they are in an open relationship then it’s cheating. He’s playing you like the London Symphony plays Beethoven.
Also, I am going to have to work “Judgy Von Pruderson” into a conversation somehow.
There should always be one “pro” vote. Well, I’ll come as close as I can, though Otto, in the very first reply, seemed to nail it.
In fact, I’ll delete the rest of my post and just re-iterate that. **If the husband and wife both know and think it’s just harmless fun, it can be.[1]
If not, then no, it’s a problem.**
What does it mean for him? Well, as people said, he’s probably just doing it because he enjoys it and can: it’s not clear what it implies.
[1] And it can be. I was surprised to figure it out, but some people, without becoming really poly, are ok with things other people wouldn’t be. There are some relationships where one or both partners might flirt with, have cybersex with someone and both know it “doesn’t count” and would never lead to anything. But most aren’t. Mmkay?
He’s cheating, he just doesn’t realize it. I’m assuming his wife wouldn’t giggle like a schoolgirl if she were to peruse an e-mail exchange in its entirety. Technology makes a lot of “morality” a little cloudy, but if you get down to the root of why it is that folks in general swear before the diety of their choice to do the nasty exclusively with each other henceforth, it becomes pretty obvious that you two may as well be sharing each other’s fleshy bits. Marriage is a level of intimacy which exceeds mere physical contact, otherwise why bother with the ritual? Unless otherwise amended it’s a promise of emotional fidelity as well, and that includes keeping your beloved’s emotions in mind when you go about your daily routine. He’s not doing that. Most likely, she is holding up her end of the bargain, ergo he is cheating because he’s getting something he’s asked her to give up. How would HE feel if he saw one of the emails between his wife and another guy?
He’s cheating. And while you’re not responsible for his vows and all that, you can’t escape culpability any more than if you were sheltering a known criminal from prosecution. Knock it off.
If it was my husband I’d be devastated - and yes, I would think it was cheating. Sorry I think it is cheating.
I know it’s not going to end well, but I’ve been too pathetic to end it thus far 'cos, you know, I loooooove him, blah, blah :wally
My own marriage recently ended (not because of anyone cheating, as it happens) and he is the first person I’ve been interested in since - but my chances of meeting anyone new are indeed greatly reduced if I’m pinning any hope on ‘married man’.
I’ve deleted his number and sent him an email saying all bets are off.
You people were all a lot less harsh than I thought you would be, and I would have deserved it.
You did confirm what I already knew; that I’ve been a twat and it’s time to end it.
fiercesheep, as a wife that recently discovered her husband had been in a flirtatious and slightly sexual cyber exchange-I just want to say thank you for deciding to end it.
My marriage will never be quite the same and my feelings for him will never be quite the same.
Yes, I know he loves me and we’re still together but something died in me the day I read one of the emails that he sent her.
If your firend is really is unhappy and wants out, he should do the decent thing and tell her.
If not, then he should work on his marriage and keep the emotional/sexual intimacy for his partner.
