Texts From Last Night

The week after New Year’s Eve is always a good time to go check Texts From Last Night.

“Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I’m like heroin with a vagina.”

"I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don’t know what the fuck else he wants out of this “relationship”

“I’m glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I’ve got my shit together.”

“Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.”

“I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot”

“I’ve carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can’t carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.”

“I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again”

“Where is a good place to buy a New Year’s outfit that acknowledges I don’t have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?”

“puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It’s like you’re punishing your puke when you’re done.”

“I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don’t need it tonight. I’ll bring it over tomorrow.”

I love the one about the water proof Mascara.

You’ve reminded me I need to download the Lifestories app again…

I love the one about the water proof Mascara.

You’ve reminded me I need to download he Lifestories app again…

I vote for the one about the lawn mower

we should probably just go check in at the police station right now

It must have been an amazing night, I have “my pants are responsible people” written on my pants in permanent marker.

I think mom knows I’m drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

I like the punishing the puke with the disposal one, although I remember a couple of New Year’s pukes that would have put up a pretty good fight.

Is she Jewish?

“Couldn’t find any balloons, so we’re doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.”

“I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I’m a greedy drunk.”

“The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.”

“I’ve never been so embarrassed. It’s like waking up as Fred Durst.”

“I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup”

“You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.”

“I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.”

“Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high… it’s like that, only with more blood… and less nipples”

I love the ones that make you imagine the whole story.

i know i said i’d always be there for you, but i’m beginning to think that what you call “being there for me” the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.