Thank You - An Update Thread

Last August I made this thread because I wanted kids and my husband, who is a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology, told me he wasn’t ready. Our general situation is kind of tough - we moved out of state so he could attend graduate school, I started my own program too, so we’re both now graduate students and long-distance commuters in a state with no family or connections.

People gave a lot of input - some very kind and some not so kind - but there were so many gems in there I just wanted to thank those of you who spoke from your heart and gave it to me straight.

I made a poor decision that year to take my entire summer break off. I should have known better because I really don’t deal with lack of structure well at all, so I took that whole event really hard given that I was sitting around with nothing better to do than think about having a kid. It really was a major turning point in our relationship because my husband and I both realized that we could not function as each other’s only means of social support.

And then there was this:

This was so, completely, utterly right. It stayed with me. I mean, I’m a Zen Buddhist, I should know this already! But it’s so easy to get mentally stuck in a time other than the present. I couldn’t forget this comment. I decided to stop feeling stuck and start reaching out. I started scheduling in social events on my calendar, deepening and strengthening my relationships here and finding out what opportunities I have right where I am. I started building a professional network, too… I started living here.

A lot of you were right. I am so glad I’m not a pregnant grad student right now! Which isn’t to say that I’m not ready - I’m definitely ready, and probably would have handled it fine, but with everything else going on in my life now, I’ve managed to find a lot of the advantages of being child-free at the moment. I also realized I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to handle everything and keep my husband happy - that in my mind he really wasn’t going to be a part of it. In reality, he should be a major part of it. And if he’s got too many demands on his time right now to be an engaged father, then it really is better if we wait. It’s not about ME being ready, it’s about US being ready.

I do think about having kids often, and my husband has started to talk about it more seriously too, but we’re back to our original plan of adoption and it could be another couple of years before we start that process. It still hurts sometimes to have to wait, but really, I am okay with that. I’ve learned not to dwell on it. When we’re ready, it will happen, and it’s going to be awesome.

So generally speaking, life is good. I’m going to graduate in 3 months, I’m exercising, meditating, cooking nutritious meals every night and feeling better than ever. My internship this year has been off the hook and I’m starting to feel pretty fierce in my professional life. My husband and I have grown closer even though his schedule is even more crazy than it was last year… closer but more independent, if that makes any sense. He has started socializing on his own too. We’ve each started taking more responsibility for our own happiness.

The irony is, I complained about feeling ‘‘stuck’’ just months ago, but now my roots in Philadelphia are so strong I don’t want to leave! These are my people, man!

Anyway, thanks. The thing we most need to hear is sometimes the hardest.

I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how this all shook out, how school was going, etc. Thanks for the update!

It sounds as though you’re in a great place. Congratulations! What a tremendous amount of growth.

So glad to read that things are going well and that you’re moving in such a positive direction, even when it’s difficult. Thanks for the update.

It is very nice to read that you’re doing so well. Thank you for the update.

All blessings to you and your husband.

Hey Olives, I didn’t comment in the other tread, but I think your comments are right on. It is important that it is right for both of you.

Timing is important. I wonder sometimes if what I’m doing is right, being a father of a two-year-old girl and a four-month-old boy at my age, but I think I’m in a much better position to be a good father now than I would have in my 20s or 30s. (That and being with the right partner really helps.)

You have made many tremendous achievements in your life, and I know you will continue to do well.

I’m glad to hear that things are improving, Olives.

Thanks guys! And I imagine you’re right, Tokyo, the person you choose can make it or break it.

I’m so happy to hear this, Olives. You’re a marvelous person, and I’m glad to know you.

Wow. That put a lump in my throat. Very touching. Good for you Olives!!

Good to hear from you again, Olives. Thanks for letting us know how things are going.

It’s good to hear that things worked out. :slight_smile: