Thank you notes for really bad gifts?

Okay, it’s happened to many of us. The really bad gift. The inappropriate, the cheap, the downright chintzy.

For some reason it has happened to me a lot, starting with my mother, so I’m beginning to think the problem is me. And I also think the problem is that when you get a gift you are supposed to express your gratitude.

As a wedding gift my mother sent me a set of fake Revere ware. When I say fake, I mean it looked exactly like Revere wear, but in actuality it was made of a substance more reminiscent of tinfoil, and the “copper” on the bottom washed off the first time I used the items. Followed in short order by the cheapie plastic handles falling off.

Nonetheless I wrote my mother a note saying I’d received the cookware, and many thanks.

Some months later she came for a visit and was horrified at the condition of the stuff. And I don’t mean what I had done to it–I mean the cheapness of it all. She’d ordered it out of a catalog, and it had looked okay. She’d thought it was a great bargain. So she asked my why on earth I hadn’t said something about what a load of crap it was.

Sure, Mom. “Dear Mom, What on earth were you thinking, sending us this piece-of-shit Revere-wear lookalike crap? Just so you know, the copper washed off–and no, I did not scour it with a Brillo pad, just washed it as usual. It heats unevenly, is more likely than not to burn whatever you put in it into cinders if it cooks it at all, and to top it all off the handles have all fallen off. The lids are okay, though. Thanks a lot. [signed] your ungrateful, poorly raised daughter.”

A note like that would not have gone over well at all.

Just this year, a relative sent me a gift basket. Usually she sends something from Wine Country, which has things like summer sausage, cheese, crackers, cookies, and, of course, wine. I mean, whatever else is in there, and whether we like it or not, there’s the wine. But this year I think her budget got cut, so she sent a collection of breakfast stuff. And it was okay–that is to say, four out of seven of the items were not too disgusting, and only one was really, really disgusting.

(Side note: This is my new business plan. Gift baskets. You can put any old cheap kind of shit in them, because the recipient is getting it as a gift and will not complain, because then they’d look ungrateful.)

So I sent her a note something like this: “Gee, I’d gotten their catalog and wondered if their stuff was any good. Well, now I know. It arrived on a very cold day and we immediately broke into the hot chocolate, which was excellent.”

Which it was, because, honestly, who can screw up instant hot chocolate? Although if somebody could, these people would have done it.

The English muffins were okay, although really, anybody who needs three packages of English muffins all at once has probably already bought fresh ones for the occasion. And, please–cherry flavored English muffins? With…little bits of red stuff that might be bits of maraschino cherry?

The “scones” were more like those old-fashioned Archer chocolate-chip cookies. They were not like what I have come to think of as scones at all. I strongly doubt that a real scone would contain chocolate chips.

Furthermore, they had a lot of preservatives–obviously. And they just didn’t taste that good.

Finally, the “kringle.” I have never heard of a “kringle” before and it was noxious. If you’ve ever gotten one of those “apple pies” that come out of a vending machine, think of that, make it stickier, add a layer of sugar–

Wait, I just thought of something better. Those things you put in the toaster–Pop Tarts. A layer of dough, a layer of jelly, a lot of sugar. So it was more like that, except more sugar, and not all that fresh.

And yet, for all the person who gave it to me knows, the stuff was really high quality, delicious, edible food.

Okay, so what am I supposed to say to people, anyway? I am the essence of tact. If I don’t want them to know their gift was not up to par, well, they will not know. And I probably don’t. Which means they will think, “Oh, she liked it! We must send more of the same.”

Hell, I don’t know what to do. Just suck it up, I guess. FWIW I have told people not to get me stuff, and when I say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have,” I really mean it.

I have to admit, that note for the breakfast basket was a masterpiece. Sounded great and did not contain one bit of falsehood. Be proud.

But, maybe, just maybe, you’re trying too hard. You don’t have to make people think they sent you the gift of the century. You do have to say thank you. Maybe for the ones that really aren’t that great, you should just say thank you and express your appreciation for their thoughtfulness in sending you a gift. Then you’re not leading them astray, either, by possibly giving them the idea that the gift was better than it was.

Due to some schedule rejiggering, we had to put off the usual xmas celebration on my wife’s mom’s side until after the new year. Well, work came up and I had to skip out, so just the wife and kids went.

Thank god I didn’t go, because I don’t know how on earth I would have handled the situation of the gift my wife’s aunt bought me. If anyone knows me, for even 30 minutes, they know what kind of guy I am. The clothes in the box, was more of a sick joke, than an actual gift. There was a cheap blue and black plaid flannel shirt that must’ve come from the Salvation Army. Included with this was a tee shirt emblazoned with the words “LAND OF THE FREE - BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE”. Printed over a large American flag, and with the Foxworthy logo on it, stating it’s “Redneck Wear”.

What in the blue fuck?

If I walked into any store blindfolded, I could’ve picked out a shirt at random that would’ve been more appropriate that that. It’s not that I’m ungrateful or disappointed. I just hate to see people waste their money on crap I’ll never wear or use. In this case, I didn’t know whether to be insulted or just put it in the Purple Heart pile.

Tact means handling sensitive situations carefully. It doesn’t mean lying.

I respect someone who is tactfully honest much more than I respect someone who is dishonest because they think they are being “tactful” that way when they are really just afraid to admit the truth.

The tactful way to handle the cheap cookware for example would be to say something like “Thank you for the cookware mom and I really appreciate the gesture. Although you might want to reconsider ordering from that catalog again - the stuff just wasn’t very durable”. You don’t have to go into a huge, caustic rant like you fantasized in your OP. You act like that’s your only other option.

Coming from a family in which roughly half of the members are gifting impaired, my thank you notes are usually the ones of the thank you so much for thinking of me variety. The ones that I really like, I do mention the appreciation and most of the time, a pic of me enjoying it. No sense in embarrassing folks who really have their hearts in the right place, but unfortunately, not their brains or pocketbooks.

Harry and David gift baskets are always nice to receive. Hickory Farms I don’t personally care for. I give accordingly.

In my family I am considered a great gift giver. As just one example, a few years ago I gave my father a computer chess game. He spends several hours with it every day since that time. I can no longer beat him at chess. Sigh. But he loves it. How do I do this time after time? I know my recipient. I know what they like and what they avoid. A month before their birthday I start looking and thinking and in that time I get them two gifts. Yes, two. One for birthday and one for Christmas. Best one is saved for Christmas. And I make sure that the budget is sufficient. Minimum of $20 to $40 is set aside. Not enough to embarrass anyone, but enough to look like I care. Women don’t get anything that plugs into a wall outlet, men do not get soap or clothes. Children get whatever is the cool toy at the time of their birthday (already bought by Xmas). Children learn quick that the cool to is boring in a week.

I am single. People with families perhaps cannot do this.

This is what I would do. Maybe add in something else to pad it out like how you’re looking forward to visiting them in a few months or it was nice to see them at Christmas or whatever. You don’t have to mention how well the gift performed.

I sent flowers to my SIL last summer. I chose a beautiful “artsy” arrangement. Really nice, in the picture.

It was a half-dead piece of shit monstrosity when it arrived. She told me it was horrible and I replaced it. I think people want to know about quality issues. If you knew your mom was expecting a better quality item to be delivered, it’s ok to say that it wasn’t up to par.

Otherwise, suck it up.

I feel that a thank you note is more along the lines of “Thank you for thinking of me”, rather than “thank you for the gift”. It’s nice if the gift actually is worthy and is usable and applicable to the recipient, however, that tends to be on the “Cold day in Hell” side, like the leopard print fleece pajamas my mom got for me. I’m glad that she though of me, however, what the hell was she thinking? I sleep so damn hot, that I can barely wear a tee-shirt to bed. And leopard print fleece? Yeah, Mom, I liked them when I was fourteen. I would rather have had the money…

Oh my, that was a tangent, wasn’t it?

Anyhoo, a thank you note is NOT the place to tell the giver what was wrong with the gift, regardless of what type of POS it was. Just say “Thank you for thinking of me. I was so pleased that you thought of me this holiday season. blah, blah, blah.”

The flower thing happened to me once, when my godmother sent me birthday flowers from a place she used often and recommend to others. They had apparently been frozen because they immediately turned brown and fell apart. I called the florist and said my godmother would be disgusted if I told her what she had gotten for her money. They replaced the flowers. I never told her, but if they hadn’t made it right, I would have.

I would like to know if something I had sent to someone, from the internet or catalog, was misrepresented or really shitty.

I simple “I don’t know if I’d order from them again” comment will guarantee I will ask you why.

On the other hand, would I tell someone that the gift they sent me was constructed badly or basically a pile of crap? I’d find some way to work it into a conversation…only because, if they sent the same to someone a lot more important, businesswise or personal wise, it would put them in an awkward situation and I’d feel badly that I’d never told them.

A thank you note is always appropriate for a gift. The conversation about the quality? A side conversation.