Okay, it’s happened to many of us. The really bad gift. The inappropriate, the cheap, the downright chintzy.
For some reason it has happened to me a lot, starting with my mother, so I’m beginning to think the problem is me. And I also think the problem is that when you get a gift you are supposed to express your gratitude.
As a wedding gift my mother sent me a set of fake Revere ware. When I say fake, I mean it looked exactly like Revere wear, but in actuality it was made of a substance more reminiscent of tinfoil, and the “copper” on the bottom washed off the first time I used the items. Followed in short order by the cheapie plastic handles falling off.
Nonetheless I wrote my mother a note saying I’d received the cookware, and many thanks.
Some months later she came for a visit and was horrified at the condition of the stuff. And I don’t mean what I had done to it–I mean the cheapness of it all. She’d ordered it out of a catalog, and it had looked okay. She’d thought it was a great bargain. So she asked my why on earth I hadn’t said something about what a load of crap it was.
Sure, Mom. “Dear Mom, What on earth were you thinking, sending us this piece-of-shit Revere-wear lookalike crap? Just so you know, the copper washed off–and no, I did not scour it with a Brillo pad, just washed it as usual. It heats unevenly, is more likely than not to burn whatever you put in it into cinders if it cooks it at all, and to top it all off the handles have all fallen off. The lids are okay, though. Thanks a lot. [signed] your ungrateful, poorly raised daughter.”
A note like that would not have gone over well at all.
Just this year, a relative sent me a gift basket. Usually she sends something from Wine Country, which has things like summer sausage, cheese, crackers, cookies, and, of course, wine. I mean, whatever else is in there, and whether we like it or not, there’s the wine. But this year I think her budget got cut, so she sent a collection of breakfast stuff. And it was okay–that is to say, four out of seven of the items were not too disgusting, and only one was really, really disgusting.
(Side note: This is my new business plan. Gift baskets. You can put any old cheap kind of shit in them, because the recipient is getting it as a gift and will not complain, because then they’d look ungrateful.)
So I sent her a note something like this: “Gee, I’d gotten their catalog and wondered if their stuff was any good. Well, now I know. It arrived on a very cold day and we immediately broke into the hot chocolate, which was excellent.”
Which it was, because, honestly, who can screw up instant hot chocolate? Although if somebody could, these people would have done it.
The English muffins were okay, although really, anybody who needs three packages of English muffins all at once has probably already bought fresh ones for the occasion. And, please–cherry flavored English muffins? With…little bits of red stuff that might be bits of maraschino cherry?
The “scones” were more like those old-fashioned Archer chocolate-chip cookies. They were not like what I have come to think of as scones at all. I strongly doubt that a real scone would contain chocolate chips.
Furthermore, they had a lot of preservatives–obviously. And they just didn’t taste that good.
Finally, the “kringle.” I have never heard of a “kringle” before and it was noxious. If you’ve ever gotten one of those “apple pies” that come out of a vending machine, think of that, make it stickier, add a layer of sugar–
Wait, I just thought of something better. Those things you put in the toaster–Pop Tarts. A layer of dough, a layer of jelly, a lot of sugar. So it was more like that, except more sugar, and not all that fresh.
And yet, for all the person who gave it to me knows, the stuff was really high quality, delicious, edible food.
Okay, so what am I supposed to say to people, anyway? I am the essence of tact. If I don’t want them to know their gift was not up to par, well, they will not know. And I probably don’t. Which means they will think, “Oh, she liked it! We must send more of the same.”
Hell, I don’t know what to do. Just suck it up, I guess. FWIW I have told people not to get me stuff, and when I say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have,” I really mean it.