Have you talked to her? There is one other exception, and it will take talking to her to find out. There are some stalker dudes who will claim a relationship, actually even perhaps believe in a relationship, where none exists. It may be she is not the liar in this situation.
If she is lying though, I am sorry she put you through that.
Well, I’ve sent TLB an e-mail laying out the conversation pretty much as I did in the OP, and concluding with the simple question “What’s up with that?” Not angry, not (very) confrontational, just a simple inquiry. A couple people here have suggested this, and I agree I might as well get her version. I have no idea what to expect.
Its always good to put everything up front.
When I date someone, I tell her I am A. Dating others, B. Not dating others but if we got serious, I would not C. Just wanna hang (we go dutch).
Even then, some women will assume its a relationship even with all that said.
I feel for ya; its best to get your mind off her and on to real friends. Let it go, and enjoy.
It’s not a matter of the non-polygamist “judging” the polygamist. It’s a matter of the person who is the “datee” so to speak being accorded the right to information he or she needs in order to make an informed decision. ANY hiding or holding back to that end is NOT valid. Period. It is “cheating” so to speak. The end does NOT justify the means, not if the end is to get what “you” (where you is the dater with the secret) wants, no matter what the other person my want.
Again, it’s not about judging someone’s lifestyle. You do it “correctly” and fairly, those who keep it a secret for their own ends are not. It’s that simple, whether the “secret” is a polygamist lifestyle, or three wives.
TWO MONTHS??? Are you kidding me? Information of this magnitude should be imparted immediately, if not, at LEAST by the first date. Anything less is manipulative and selfish.
If you are at all likely to NOT be what another sees as a “relationship” you have a duty to let the potential partner know. As does the other partner of course. It would be just as unfair if the person “pretended” okayness with a polygamist lifestyle and secretly only did it to please and get to “keep” the other person. It’s not the lifestyle I have a problem with, it’s the lying and manipulation.
Well, but what he said in it was very much related to his NOT “judging” her, but based on fact and history with her. But yet, without understanding fully, you lambasted him for “judging”. I think that’s why others had a problem with what you were saying.
But again, as in the thread he linked to, he was pretty sure of her intent, or “non-intent” as it were. She’s been playing this game with him for some time. No matter which way she swings, at some point, you have to fish or cut bait. She’s just being evasive and stringing him along. And she can NOT not know what he’s hoping for, since he’s been after her for a while now. So he was not judigng HER but her current and past behaviour toward him.
No way in hell, even with my SO it’s share and share alike. And with casual maile friends? Even moreso than if it’s my actual boyfriend.
Not only is this woman a LB, she’s stuck in the 50s and selfish to boot.
Oh please. Several of my closest friends are men (I’m a girl) and none of my boyfriends have ever had a problem with it, and if they had, they wouldn’t have been my boyfriend for much longer. Recently, my friend, a guy, stayed the whole weekend with me and the guy I am dating had no problem with it.
I have to wonder, does one have an obligation to disclose their relationship status to a friend (of the opposite sex) they hang out with?
For me personally, I don’t feel I have an obligation, unless I am asked directly. If you’re interested in me, and want to know if I am single, ask. I will tell you the truth.
Right now, I am dating several people, one more “serious” than the rest, I guess you could say (as in, sex is involved.) I really don’t think I have a specific obligation to disclose what I do/who I see to anyone unless that relationship becomes serious/committed. If you want to know, ask. Otherwise, it’s my provate/personal business.
Basically, to tell the truth, the reason I don’t bring it up to anyone new I have dated is because I’m “shopping around,” and that is why I am dating several people. So obviously it’s in my interests to keep that private, so as not to scare off any potential quality prospects. Sound shallow? Maybe, unfortunately, but that is how the “dating game” works, like it or not.
You dont’ have an obligation to describe every sordid detail, but imho, you do at least need to let each of your datees know that you are not exclusive, without their having to specifically ask.
It can be as simple and noncommital as “I’m not looking to settle down right now” or “I reserve the right to date other people” something like that. Otherwise, it’s an ommision which could hurt the other person. IMHO, the “game” part of dating should be minimized as much as possible. It sucks enough as it is.
I’m not going to get preachy and tell you you’re wrong. Do as you please. But I will say there’s a reason the older people get the less often they act like this. You are cruisin’ for an emotional bruisin’ lady. Your methodology sounds like a disaster in the making, and when it happens you’ll have no one but yourself to blame.
So just to get a perspective from the other side, so to speak, how would you feel if some one asked and the question was avoided? Does that cross any lines?
IMnsHO, that’s what people are doing by not saying anything in the first place. You’re taking the choice away from the datee for your own purposes. There is already an unasked question in place when you start dating someone, at least for most people out there looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.
Withholding information with which they could make an informed decision about you is manipulative, and is cheating them of their right to decide based on true information.
If you (collective you, not anyone here) allow them to think that they might have a chance, but really you’ve got 10 other people in the wings, that’s just wrong. It’s your choice of course, but it’s not a decent way to treat others.
Nobody caught this?!
Did you guys go together or was this just a “I’ll meet you there kind of thing”?
That is just plain crazy!
This is OT, but that is awesome. It’s connections like those that make life worth it, ya know?
It was a “meet there” type of thing. I’m a little puzzled about this, too. Maybe TLB really did consider me just a friend (why else invite me somewhere her boyfriend was?), but her boyfriend’s statement is damning. With the benefit of further knowledge, her hanging out with me (at my expense) looks quite exploitative.
That’s fine. It becomes deception when the guys tell her they’re interested and she doesn’t clue them in. As was the case here. No excuse.
Lizard, it stinks that you feel betrayed by your friend. You’ve known her for months and you’ve made clear to her that you’re interested in being more than friends. By her inaction in the matter, I think it’s pretty clear by now that she isn’t.
Have you considered the possibility that Lisa’s bluntness was her attempt to force you to see what you’ve refused to accept all these months…that TLB isn’t interested in you romantically? And that she’s trying to do you a favor by making you realize that friendship simply isn’t, and will never be, good enough for you?
FWIW, my unsolicited advice is to moooove on. Not because I have any opinion about TLB (I don’t know anything about her, really) but because I know from personal experience that unrequited love sucks.
Good luck to you.
Ok, but when do you suggest such a thing. From the description, the first few encounters were “on the line” between dates and just going out. It seems she never paid, which after 3 or 4 times out would tend to send the wrong signal I agree. But surely you are not saying that people should wear signs or hand out cards with thier dating status printed on them?
Can I ask you a question? If the sex of the participants were reversed here (and the paying for outings) would you feel the same way? I sometimes get the impression that if a woman “hints” that she is not interested but still goes out with a guy, she is forgiven for mixed signals. But when a guy avoids telling a girl about an SO while going out with another this is not the assumption.
I think CanvasShoes is right on the money. While I’d rather not align myself with someone described as a “creepy, semi-stalker wannabe,” I think I should chime in with the fact that I’ve been that guy before.
I was dating a young woman semi-regularly for a few months and, for various reasons (which I’m not quite sure I believe), she didn’t want to tell any of our mutual friends about it. She at times seemed very interested and at times seemed less so. It did bother me; I could never shake the idea that she was ashamed to be with me for some reason. But my self-esteem wasn’t wrapped up in what she thought of me, so I just let it go. And since we had been friends for a while, and I legitimately enjoyed spending time with her (I had actually broken up with my previous girlfriend a few weeks before when I realized that even just as friends, I’d rather spend time with this woman) regardless of whether we were an official “couple,” I didn’t press the issue that much. When I did, I got the same kind of answer you got: “I like to be friends and see where it goes.”
Once or twice, when we had been spending a lot of time together, I described her as my “girlfriend” to third parties, only to awkwardly back out of it when it became clear that she wasn’t, really. If someone who’d noticed the time we spent together had introduced me as her boyfriend, I might have given a response similar to the one above. As far as I know, she wasn’t seeing anyone else during this time (And due to the combination of a small school, a gossippy social group, and her sleeping in my room for about a week, I’m pretty sure I would have known). However, if you asked her, she would not have called me her boyfriend.
You need to talk to TLB. It’s entirely possible that she’s dating you and this other guy, but isn’t serious about him. Of course, if she’s like the woman I dated, she may ultimately enjoy being pursued more than you enjoy pursuing her.
I always thought that the standard was exactly the opposite. You should not assume that you are in an exclusive relationship unless you have specifically asked about it or agreed on it.
I agree. I simply see how someone can find it justified, namely, by the ends justifying the means.
It was a number I threw out. The key word was also frequency. What if they only saw each other once a month?
In anycase I agree. First, second or third date. Ideally first.
To be clearer I meant I didn’t know how the hell to identify love. I am young and dumb.
I see a difference between being ok with a situation and accepting it.
Gonna have to admit. I said things rashly. I apologized and I’ll apologize again. I’m sorry. The point still stands though, he didn’t know the whole story and he needed to go talk to her.
Dad BLAST it all, I had the best answer, and the hamsters ate it. That usually doesn’t happen.
Anyway, no, I don’t think people should go around with signs, but come ON, you know…People KNOW about the average dating world. Be kind and courteous, that’s all. Don’t waste people’s time if all you want is a roll in the hay, or a “boyfriend lite” (someone who foots the bill and acts as an escort, but doesn’t get love, affection or sex).
I know you asked PunditLisa, but IMnsHO? No, it should be no different. And FWIW? I think that pwecious pwincessy, can’t get over having been the belle of the ball prom queen bitches like the one in the OP should be bitchslapped, repeatedly.
It’s 2005 (okay, almost). We women are JUST as capable of paying for a date, and being upfront with men as the men in our peer group. Good grief, I’ve been doing that since I was a teen in the 70s and it wasn’t even REQUIRED, it’s just that I was raised to “think of the other person” and "do unto others’ all that rot.
And really, that’s the bottom line here, male? female? It makes no difference, be kind, don’t withhold information from your dates to further your own selfish wants and needs by tricking them and so on.
I guess I didn’t make myself clear here. I mean if the person who is “withholding” the information continues to allow a potential mate to think that it’s actively moving toward something serious.
Not that it’s considered “exclusive” right off the bat, but that, if things go right, it could be. That won’t be true if one of them is sneakily thinking something like "just a few dates more, and she/he will be so hooked on me I can have what I want, and I won’t have to commit a thing, I can keep on dating the other however many people/keep planning that move 500 miles away/etc.
Does that make better sense?
HarmonixI don’t think you’re dumb, I think that you just jumped to conclusions based upon your personal insider knowledge of polygamy. Most monogamist people would have no way of discerning those “clues” that way, and their not being able to do that still wouldn’t mean that they were “judging”. The person should have still been upfront, no matter what he/she was holding back, especially after 4 months, see the difference? Sorry, I wasn’t sniping at you, honest. Sometimes type looks harsher than the author intends 