That's it, I give up. I just can't fucking do this anymore.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

bouv you mentioned engineering school, and although I’m not sure what type of engineering you’re in, I can assure you that you don’t need a graduate degree to get a job in your industry. I’ve been in engineering and chemistry for 20-years, and although I went and got an MBA, I’ve never needed a MS. BS is more than enough.

There are many, many jobs that while they are not technical, require someone who can understand the technical stuff – technical sales, fr’instance. Most of the people I’ve worked with who’ve been in HR, safety, logistics, marketing, etc., etc. have had only BS degrees, then branched off away from their own education background.

And companies want those kinds of people. I’ve been involved in hiring some of them. No need to resign yourself to some job you didn’t like before – you can find one you like. It just might take some consideration on which jobs to apply for.

If you’re going to talk to your professors, I’d recommend adding this to your conversation. They’ve probably all got some contacts with industry, and should be a very good resource to help you sort out what you might like doing in life if grad school isn’t your thing.

22

For most people, IME, it’s an unwritten grad school requirement that you’re brought to tears multiple times (figuratively, but sometimes literally). IMO, academia is a strange place that most people aren’t really cut out for…there’s little that pisses me off more than people who criticize “ivory tower denizens”, yet have never experienced it themselves.

If it’s not for you, drop it. You’ll most likely end up happier. But before you leave, take advantage of what you can (counselling, leave of absence, people connections, doctor’s visits, etc.). Just make sure to seek out and talk to people.

23

Biomedical engineering (same as my grad studies.)

Go to careerbuilder.com or monster.com and do a search for biomedical engineer. Come back and tell me how many of them don’t require 2-5 years experience and/or a master’s degree (and ignore all postings for biomedical technician, or biomedical field service engineer/tech, that’s not what I’m going for.)

Actually, I’ll save you some trouble, the answer is…2 on monster.com, and another 2-3 on careerbuilder…I can add a couple more if I include the ones listing just 1 year-18 months as a requirement, even though I don’t even really have that.

Not that many options, and there are certainly other biomedical engineers out there that do have experience or a master’s that are probably are applying to these as well, and if you had a choice between no experience and have of a master’s education, or years of experience and/or a master’s, the choice is obvious.

I’m not saying it’s impossible for me to get a job doing something close to what I wasn’t, just that it will be much harder than other fields where a BS is considered entry-level, not an MS. When I got my BS, I applied to dozens of jobs, with descriptions varying from no experience needed to 2+ years desired, and got exactly 1 interview (I didn’t get the job, clearly.) It’s frustrating to be in a field that, due to it’s broad nature, means not many employers “trust”, for lack of a better word, that just a BS can give you the knowledge needed, even if in many cases it does.

24

Point of information: Job ads often overstate the minimum requirements that they’re willing to accept. The way to read them is, “Our ideal candidate will have the following qualifications…”

Now, I know there are some fields where the post-grad degree is vital, and I can’t say you’re wrong to think that it would improve your marketability dramatically. But you’d be surprised how many people can get hired for positions where they didn’t meet the official position requirements.

Nasty question time: What have you done, today, besides taking that test? Have you gotten an appointment with your profs, your advisor, and most especially the health clinic?

If the answer to any of those questions is “No,” or “Not Yet,” please get cracking on that. I know with depression it becomes hugely easy to procrastinate anything. But every hour or day your wait reduces the opportunity for people to actually help you before you crash.

25

I was hoping you would say mechanical or electrical.

I am out of my depth, but what fields of study are close to Biomedical engineering? It might translate to a good paying job by shifting away from your area of interest. I never set out to be a programmer. I fell into it due to aptitude and entry-level electrical engineering prospect looking terrible in 1992. Usually with a 4-year engineering degree, you can look into another less taxing field and still make money. I went from years of being a part time student to a 7-month intensive course in Programming and I did quite well.

I would feel better if I knew what fields your strength related too, but I can say, I was sad when I gave up my dreams of being an engineer and settle for being a business programmer. But, my jobs have been pretty good, even if it is not exciting or what I wanted to be as kid/young adult.

I admire anyone that can get through a 4-year engineering degree. I know it is a tough field and Biomedical engineering sounds tougher than Electrical to me. Everything medical seems so active today, that I would hope there is a closely related field where you can find some financial success and satisfaction.

Good Luck, don’t beat yourself up over this. Find something fun to do. Take a week off and then start planning a new future. Use the want ads to find related fields that are in demand and figure out, how to get yourself going in that field. My wife and I both did this. she has a 4-year degree in ME.

Jim

26

I can’t do much more than offer sympathy. I hope you find a better job, and make a happier life for yourself.

However, if you still want the masters…not sure how things work were you are, but if it’s similar to the system we have over here, you could maybe take one class at a time? A masters, if I understand it correctly, is three (full) classes each semester, two semesters a year, two years. Even if you only took one class every half year, you’d have that masters in six years. Long term, yes, but more managable. And maybe it would get easier as you went along, and had the basic consepts down?

I understand if you just want to run away screaming right now, and that you’ll feel that way for quite some time; but when you’ve had some time away from all this, you could figure out your options, and maybe have another stab at it from a different angle. You don’t have to give up.

27

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I agree with some others in here - grad school is hard, and it sucks in a lot of ways. I think one of the primary purposes of the first few years is to tear down your self-confidence and idea of self-worth. Tears abound.

But I think sometimes thats a step to doing well. Leave if that’s good for you, but don’t necessarily give up quite yet. Throw yourself on the mercy of whatever prof seems most sympathetic and on the ball.

28

As noted by others, there are lots of successful careers and fulfilling lives that don’t require grad school. Just because biomedical engineering may not be feasible without advanced degrees doesn’t mean that there aren’t similar/related fields that you could investigate. I don’t pretend any particular knowledge about this, but a school counsellor should be able to help investigate other options. There are always options, there are lots of very interesting and strange jobs out there that you might not even know exist until you look.

One other thought: some people just needs some sort of break, a couple of years, perhaps, between college and grad school. I don’t know whether you’ve done that, but sometimes, it’s just too damn much school. So, taking a leave of absence might give you a little calm for better perspective.

Also, you mention crying uncontrollably and slashing with a knife? Those are sure signs that this is a deeper problem then just some stupid exam: I urge professional counselling, NOW.

29

Trying to be gentle about this, but… if what you are going for requires what you are not willing to put up with any more, then you need to reconsider either your goal or your tolerance level.

I have to say that it has been my experience that holding out for one, specific type of job is a good way to make yourself and your career miserable. I’d suggest broadening what you consider to be “in your field” as it were. Either that, or figure out a way to make grad school work.

But, yes, start moving on some plan of action – even if it is just making a plan of action.

30

I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said (the others have given great advice), so, FWIW, {{{bouv}}}.

It occurs to me that many, many, many people would be happier if they’d discovered “X” long ago what was right for them and what wasn’t right for them. You may indeed be right that grad school–at least in your area of study–isn’t right for you, but before you do that, I’d urge you to not make any hasty decisions. Well, not hasty ones except the one to get. some. help. right. now. Please don’t delay.

While you’re getting the help that you so desperately need, I’d suggest not dropping out of school right away. Talk to your advisor about a leave of absence. And don’t worry about needing to rush to make a final decision about your studies; you might have more time than you think.

I don’t know how it works for grad school (or even for your particular school), but I’m an undergrad, and my school allows me up to three years’ withdrawal/leave of absence before I’m dropped from the rolls. Perhaps your school allows something similar? Just check it out. Information–especially in a situation like this–can be a powerfully comforting thing.

Oh, and I do speak from experience. This time last year, I found msyelf feeling…well, lost. Just unbelievably lost. And feeling like shit. I wasn’t going to classes, I wasn’t doing assignments, I wasn’t doing anything except wandering around in a fog. Just *three weeks * before the semester was due to end, I had to face my advisor and fess up. I ended up dropping out of that semester, which cost me somewhere in the area of $10K, and taking a leave of absence for the following semester, with the understanding that if I discovered that I needed to prolong it, I could do so.

Then I went immediately to counselling and psychological services, whereupon I was diagnosed with depression and ultimately sent to a therapist for long-term care.

It’s worked wonders for me, and I’m back in school, and (for the most part) doing okay. I still have my moments, but I’m *nowhere * where I was this time last year.

So, yeah, just take a leave of absence if you can, and get some help. Don’t rush–life is not a race. We–especially here in the States, I think–are acculturated to think that it is (you must do/have “X” by “X” age, blah-blah-blah–pretty powerful stuff, I know), but, really, your life should be about what’s meaningful to you, what works for you, and not for anyone else. Not your parents, not your friends, not anyone but you.

Who knows? You might ultimately decide that grad school is’n’t for you, or you might decide to take an entirely different academic track, but whatever you do, please know this muich: The only person you really need to make happy, to impress, to live for, to measure yourself against, is you. Just you. We should all be so lucky to realize this.

I don’t know if this has been much help (and I’m sorry to have rambled), but I hope it has. And please PM me if you feel that I can help in some way.

And please know, from somone who’s been there in a bad way, that it *can * get better (it did for me), and that I’m rooting for you.
*I wanted to add that, in all likelihood, your loans will not automatically defer while you’re in leave of absence status. You’ll probably have the regular out-of-school grace period, but you’ll probably have to begin paying on them after a few months until you find yourself back in school. My advice? This bridge can be crossed when you get to it, and probably not with much difficulty. For now, though, do what you need to do for you; deal with the loan issues only when you absolutely have to.

31

bouv, I’m bumping this to see if we can get an update.

I’d really like to know how you’re doing, esp. with school and family.

Obviously you’re still posting - and if you don’t care to share any more details, that’s your choice. Just a friendly meant “what’s up?”

32

Go get help NOW. Turn off your computer and go see a counselor. Please.

33

This is very sound advice. Take from a guy who’s been in the scientific area for quite a while; there is always a job for an engineer; just not always as an engineer.

Your training, mathematical and programming skills could be put to very good use in the financial/business world and in many other fields. You need to look around a bit.

Take a break from school and talk to a career counselor. Also, see someone for your depression. This last thing is not optional.

Finally, understand this: you WILL succeed if you have the drive and ambition to do so. It does not really matter so much what is on your diploma, what counts is your own personal drive and ambition.

Good luck and God bless, and keep us informed,

34

With your attitude, he (she?) should be glad of that.

35

I’m in a part time master’s degree program myself. We only have two courses at a time, and since I am now in the second year I am beginning my degree project. So I’m taking the 597 class for that, and one other regular class. The most aggravating problem I have is that I can’t get into the regular class AT ALL, and my study group feels the same way. So the quandary I’m in is that I intrigued and fascinated by my degree project, but can hardly stand to be near the textbook for the other course. Much less open it. I’m not failing or anything like that, I"ll get by. But man! to hear my study-mates and I talk about it, you’d think we were in middle school again talking about the book for some detested required course. We call it “B.S. for our M.S.”.

36

I’m going to second (or fifthteenth, whatever) the motion that you go get help now. You sound very much like I did this point last year, when I realised pretty much the exact same thing. While I’m not 100% better (nor in school), meds have definitely helped me feel a lot better.

Then, you need to stop. Think carefully about what you want and what your options are. Talk to your parents, a counselor, whatever, to get more input. Then decide whats best for you to do. You have to calm down and think about things rationally, and do it now while you’re in this state of flux because of skipping your work. It’ll help you get back on the right track faster, rather than barrelling forward half-cocked.

37

You OK, bouv? We’re a bit worried…

38

Thanks for the bump, Anne. I’m worried too. :frowning:

39

FWIW, I went through a similar patch years back with a prestigious grad program. It sounded extremely similar to the OP’s situation. Frustration, self-blaming, etc. My result was that I dropped out and entered the working world to start grinding through the debt. To this day I regret dropping out. Many nights I still have dreams about being back there and finishing it. It’s too late to start over now, and I’m in a career that I sorta enjoy (which I consider a win compared to most of the working public). But that failure haunts me to this day.

And you know what’s the kicker? I’m finding out after the fact that there was more wiggle room in the program than I thought. They don’t want people to drop out, they want to drag them through by the scruff of the collar if possible. I could have forked out some cash for catch-up tutoring. I could have repeated a year. I could have gone on academic probation for a quarter. I could have begged for mercy. I could have claimed I needed leave for health reasons (legitimately, for depression) until I got my shit together. There were a lot of ways I could have patched the boat and forged onward, all of them requiring some humility and loss of pride because I had never in my life failed at even one single class in school.

Circle the wagons, swallow your pride, find out what needs to be done to get through this and do it.

40

BTW, in the last post I didn’t mean to crack the whip and tell you to do things that you may not be up to right now. I’m just saying you may have options that aren’t obvious to you, and you may not be able to see them because you’re worrying about everything at once (what will the parents say, how will you exit your lease gracefully, the loan repayment, everything in the world except getting back on track academically). You’re the only one who really knows if this is truly the path for you. We are what we worry about… you certainly can’t pass your classes if you’re consumed with worry over the consequences of failure.