That's it, I give up. I just can't fucking do this anymore.

[bouv]

Somehow I missed that this thread was bumped. Here’s an update, but you won’t be happy.

I’ve essentially dropped out. Which is to say, I completely stopped going to my classes, however, I haven’t talked to my adviser or anyone else about taking a leave of absence, or whatever, so basically I’m going to wind up as still being officially registered for these classes, so I’ll fail both. In the end, it’s not a HUGE deal, since whether I fail them or merely left and stopped taking them, if I wanted to complete the degree I would still have to re-take them. I know I should have talked with professors and tried to get help, but I didn’t see myself passing either one of those courses anyway.

Why haven’t I talked to anyone? Well, I have the same problem with that that I had with my schoolwork and that I have with just about everything in my life, I procrastinate and I’m kind of lazy. I don’t know how to not be like this, it’s just how I am. The give another example, I got a new car a few weeks ago and STILL haven’t called my insurance company to let them know. Why haven’t I? I don’t know! I was free all day today to do both things (see my adviser and call my insurance company) yet didn’t do them.

[Lightray]

Yeah, I suspect you’ll take some heat at this point, bouv. You didn’t convey as much frustration/helplessness this time, though – still feeling overwhelmed? Depression can have that “procrastionation and lazy” thing going on, too.

However, if it is just that you procrastinate and you’re lazy, that I can speak on. I’m a procrastinator, and I’m lazy. I’m also 40, and have been living on my own for quite some time… and I had to realize a long time ago that if I wanted to enjoy the things in life that I enjoy (i.e., being lazy), then I have to man up and do something about it.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to bother updating my insurance info. But I know that no one else is going to do it – and so it goes on The List. That’s the post-it pad that I keep on my counter next to my keys and wallet, so each time I’m going somewhere, I see what I have to do.

When The List is short, I’m briefly annoyed, but tend to ignore it and go on with what I was doing. When it starts filling up the post-it, I know it’s time to act like an adult and make plans that’ll take up some of my time. Yes, I might have to skip an afternoon workout, but I need to checks Get oil changed, Buy nephew’s b-day present, Replace fire extinguisher, Buy new t-shirts.

And then, I’ll probably stop and buy myself a book. Because I’m an adult and can reward myself like that. And next weekend, I’ll go workout and then sit on my ass all afternoon because I’m lazy like that and because I can.

So, I recommend you find a piece of paper, write “Call insurance agent, Drop out of school” on it, and put it someplace you’ll see it often. You’re old enough that your mom isn’t going to nag you about stuff. You’ll have to do it yourself.

[Anne_Neville]

@bouv

Somehow I missed that this thread was bumped. Here’s an update, but you won’t be happy.

Eh- it’s better than it could have been.

@Cosmic Relief

We are what we worry about

So… I am everything in the universe?

@bouv

I’ve essentially dropped out. Which is to say, I completely stopped going to my classes, however, I haven’t talked to my adviser or anyone else about taking a leave of absence, or whatever, so basically I’m going to wind up as still being officially registered for these classes, so I’ll fail both. In the end, it’s not a HUGE deal, since whether I fail them or merely left and stopped taking them, if I wanted to complete the degree I would still have to re-take them. I know I should have talked with professors and tried to get help, but I didn’t see myself passing either one of those courses anyway.

Dropping out of grad school isn’t the end of the world. Trust me- I know. I wanted to be an astronomer from age 4 to age 25, then found that grad school in astronomy was more than I could take.

[Li_l_Pluck]

Okay, so you’ve dropped out. That’s cool, as it seemed obvious to many of us that that’s exactly what you needed to do. And **Anne Neville ** is right–it is most certainly not the end of the world (not even close), and things could’ve ended up being worse (and thank goodness that you didn’t take it there).

Now that you have that monkey off your back (well, kinda, 'cause you’re still going to have to deal with whatever the consequences might be, e.g., repaying the loans after your grace period ends), allow me to encourage you, in the strongest terms possible, to get some help.

ISTM that the procrastination and laziness, in addition to the other stuff you’ve mentioned, are symptoms of depression (they’ve certainly been part and parcel of my own depression), and it’s *not * going to go away just because you quit school, don’t update your insurance, etc. Really, it won’t.

I assume that you want to live the best life that you possibly can. I don’t know what the looks like for you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t, either, but I assure you that you won’t get even close to the “best life for you” unless you seek some help. And you’ll really want to do that soon, because the time *will * come (perhaps sooner than you think) when whatever is going on with you will manifest itself in MUCH bigger ways than simply dropping out of school or failing to update your auto insurance.

Are you part of your school’s health plan for students? If so, I urge you to visit your school’s counseling and psychological office and talk to someone. If, for some reason, you’re unable to do that, then go to some outside counseling service (many offer payment on a sliding scale basis if money’s a problem). I know that you’re “lazy” and a “procastinator,” but at least get up the energy and motivation to allow someone to do some kind of intake interview with you.

Even as I write this, I know that you won’t seek help until things get bad enough, *in your view * ('cause it’s bad enough in mine–remember the whole slashing yourself business?), for you to do it. Part of me hopes, of course, that things don’t get worse for you, but another part of me hopes that they do, and rather soon, if only because that might spur you to seek the help that you very clearly need.

Look, I hate to sound like I’m preaching, but take it from just one of the members of this board who battles with depression: it ain’t fun, but it’s so much better when you have someone to help you. And, yeah, it *really * does get better.

And I hope you can realize that sooner rather than later. Good luck.

[Lionne]

@bouv

I don’t know how to not be like this, it’s just how I am. The give another example, I got a new car a few weeks ago and STILL haven’t called my insurance company to let them know. Why haven’t I? I don’t know! I was free all day today to do both things (see my adviser and call my insurance company) yet didn’t do them.

I suffer from intense procrastination sometimes too. When I feel that mood striking again, I read an essay by Edgar Poe that really put the feeling into words. It helps clear my head; maybe it will help you too?

@Edgar Allan Poe

We have a task before us which must be speedily performed. We know that it will be ruinous to make delay. The most important crisis of our life calls, trumpet-tongued, for immediate energy and action. We glow, we are consumed with eagerness to commence the work, with the anticipation of whose glorious result our whole souls are on fire. It must, it shall be undertaken to-day, and yet we put it off until to-morrow; and why? There is no answer, except that we feel perverse, using the word with no comprehension of the principle. To-morrow arrives, and with it a more impatient anxiety to do our duty, but with this very increase of anxiety arrives, also, a nameless, a positively fearful, because unfathomable, craving for delay. This craving gathers strength as the moments fly. The last hour for action is at hand. We tremble with the violence of the conflict within us, – of the definite with the indefinite – of the substance with the shadow. But, if the contest has proceeded thus far, it is the shadow which prevails, – we struggle in vain. The clock strikes, and is the knell of our welfare. At the same time, it is the chanticleer-note to the ghost that has so long over-awed us. It flies – it disappears – we are free. The old energy returns. We will labour now. Alas, it is too late!
Examine these and similar actions as we will, we shall find them resulting solely from the spirit of the Perverse. We perpetrate them merely because we feel that we should not. Beyond or behind this, there is no intelligible principle.

“Imp of the Perverse” excerpt