That's it--I've had enough!

The BBQ Pit
21

I apologize that I wasn’t clear in my post. I try, but I’m not always as eloquent as others that post here more frequently.

It’s not so much that people are bothered by the happiness that the people have as much as it is hearing about it all the time. I would feel the same way if it were someone talking about anything non-stop. Love, job, new baby… whatever. I know I’ve been guilty of it on more than one occassion. And if someone tells me “Enough already!” I apologize for it, and try to tone down the number of times I mention it. I don’t try to be any less happy, and I don’t think they want me to be any less happy. I kind of mentally compare it to the whole Elian thing several months ago… you just get tired of hearing about it it all the time. I doesn’t mean I felt any less sorry for the child or his situation, I just would have liked to turn on the TV or open the newspaper one time without hearing about “The Elian Situation”. That’s the comparison I’d like to make.

Then what about the people like me that are sick of it and aren’t miserable? My life is actually pretty much on an upswing right now. I’m moving somewhere that I’d much rather be, I’m dating a wonderful guy, my self-esteem is so far up from where it was a year ago that I feel like a different person. Yeah, I’ve got problems… everyone does… but I’d certainly not describe myself, or my outlook on life, as miserable.

I am extremely happy for every one of the people that have found true love on the board. It’s such a rare and precious gift, everyone that has should be proud. But there are times when it seems like every time I open posts by certain people, all I see are them talking about how in love they are. My thoughts aren’t “I wish you weren’t so happy” but “There’s more to life than being in love” Maybe I’m not reading all the posts and don’t see when other comments are not made about the love of someone’s life. I’ll admit I don’t read every post made by every poster. Maybe it’s just a horrid sense of timing on my part. But it’s a trend I’m seeing and all I’m saying is that I, too, have said “enough already”.

My purpose isn’t to offend, and if I did, I am sorry. I’m just trying to point out my viewpoint on this as well.

22

I didn’t get to comment in Odies thread before it was closed and have been thinking about starting one just like this, so first off, thank you evilbeth for spelling things out so succinctly.

Now, for my spiel:
I’ll not assume that anything I’ve done or said is part of this, but I can see where people I’ve been involved with very closely could be the object of some of the backlash. Now, assuming that to be the case, then it is quite possible that I am, in fact, involved, so I’m going to say my piece and leave it at that. It’s going to be fairly singular or seemingly myopic in its direction, too, so take that for what you will. Realize also that I’m posting from work and I’m no Scylla or Lexicon, so my text might not flow or read easily.

My involvement started a little over a month ago. There are details that, if you know me or the other person/people involved, you would know and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, you can skip this post.

The events that followed my brief involvement with a fellow doper and her eventual, sudden, it seemed (but not really), heightened involvement with another doper, were…ugly. Not on my part (I don’t think?), but on the part of the gossip and rumor hounds. There were happy and angry threads about the whole thing, there were chat congratulations/arguments and good-for-you/nasty emails. I heard some people are no longer friends because of some things that were said and I personally lost a friend who felt I betrayed her. Like I said, ugly business.

The other doper, the one is now with the woman I was briefly seeing, is by all accounts a very good man. He and I spoke, emailed and chatted a number of times and his depth of feeling for this woman is unquestionable. Her feelings for him are likewise.

Here’s the thing: I’m very happy for them both. They know this, too. What I don’t think they know or realize is that seeing them post their happiness, joy and love only makes me that much more happy for them. It reconfirms my belief that she is a wonderful person and he is a good man. It makes the brief letdown I felt wisp away.

Let me put it this way: A friend of mine had a relationship with someone she loved, but didn’t think she would have a chance to grow with. The chance occurred and she, very wisely, jumped at it. The only catch is that she was just starting to date someone else. Nothing serious by any means, really, they were just starting to get to know each other when she ended it. They are still friends, but now she has the chance to realize something bigger and more certain than the budding friendship she had with the guy she was dating, she has love.

So, ignore the fact that I was dating her, instead look at it as though I was getting to know a new friend and what have you got? You have a woman and a man that were already very good friends, that love and care for each other that want to make a go of it and you have a new friend that just had bad timing. Good for them and fine by me. I didn’t get dumped, I wasn’t used- I was fortunate enough to spend time with a wonderful woman before she was able to make a…the relationship she yearned for a reality. It’s not nobility on my part, it’s reasonability.
What does all this have to do with the OP? I’m getting to that, relax. Every post of theirs and every chat cute-ism gives me a smile. I’m happy that a woman I care for is so amazingly happy that she (and he) wants to share it with every other Doper, since they owe it to the Board that they met. It gives me hope to see yet another couple fall so head-over-heels. Every post validates their relationship. Every post is that much more joy.

How could anyone be angered by that? Grow up, indeed.

[Edited by Alphagene on 04-19-2001 at 06:10 PM]

23

Well, damn. FTR, I decided to forgo the preview because of the damn server lag. Mods…a little help?

Also, I had posted before investigating the link Falcon posted. Had I read that, I could have written a touch less “cryptically.”

Anyway, and I think this is the only time I’ll say this: if you don’t like it, don’t read it.

<sheesh>

Move along people, nothing to see here.

24

Believe it or not, just because someone is bothered by hearing about someone’s relationship every five minutes doesn’t mean they are unhappy and bitter. I just think, as TruePisces said, there is a LOT more to life than who is dating whom. I’m all for couples sharing their joy at having found that “special someone” and I truly am happy for them, even if I don’t always say it. It’s just that if your life has become defined by your relationship, something is seriously out of whack. I expect that from teenagers whose hormones are running wild, but when it’s coming from adults, it’s just icky, frankly. Again, I’m NOT against anyone sharing their joy, but it needs to be kept in perspective in the larger scheme of life.

25

Ok…let me preface by saying that this doesn’t really bother me that much, in large part because I have no idea who dpr or Nymsys are, so I don’t care much whether they’re happy or miserable. However, I think both sides in this have good points. On the one hand, I read the thread that Falcon linked to and the one that was linked to from that, and I got the same, sort of nauseous feeling I get when I read glurge (you know, like that one about the girl who gets in the DWI crash and dies, and then it turns out her parents also were killed). On the other hand, nobody forced me to read the thread, and I probably wouldn’t have ever read it if it wasn’t linked to from here. I don’t go in MPSIMS much, and when I do it’s generally to say that I’m going to a dopefest or that Kermit is my favorite muppet or something. So, that’s just my two cents…

26

It’s not so so easy as that, I’m afraid.

Not opening these threads does not shield you from seeing the thread subjects, and seeing the splash over in other threads.

I am very happy for every happy couple on the boards. But I am also aware that of the thousands of posters here, there are many many people who are going through varying degrees of rough patches, be they relationship rough patches or other (or not even that, as Geobabe just said before I hit submit). IMO, it would be much more considerate if the exuberance could be kept amongst people who actually know the involved parties, people who are available on email and chat, etc.

I fully expect someone to come along and tell me to shove this considerate-ness up my ass. And I understand and believe that this place is about honesty of expression, rather than self (or other) censoriship. I hope a lot of what sounds like misunderstandings in one of these cases gets cleared up REALLY FAST. I just don’t believe that the “you don’t have to open these threads” argument makes sense. For it to work at all, you’d have to stop coming here at all.

27

FTR the only reason I haven’t posted a link to my thread is that the boards have been very slow lately and it would take forever to find it. Here it is : http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=67212

If any one is curious the reason my thread was closed had nothing to do with any of the posts or the tenor of the debate, it was closed because a personal dispute between two posters threatened to take the thread to the pit. Rather then have that happen I decided to close the thread.

K

28

If something on the boards is bothering you in a personal, emotional way, and the post is from someone you don’t even know, the problem is probably with you.

If something on the boards is bothering you in a personal, emotional way, and the post is from someone you consider a friend, even a casual friend, take it up with that person in private. Email, chat, ICQ, AIM, phone, or even IRL. I have done this a few times, probably less than 6 times. And generally speaking, I have always been able to work things out (though sometimes it may take a while).

Frankly, I don’t understand the need for the public pronouncements, but as I said in another thread, that’s me. And, tough as it is for me to accept, not everyone things, behaves, and feels the way I do. :wink: And as I said to someone recently when I was in a very dark and lonely place, seeing the glurge makes me feel worse. But I’m not asking anyone to change.

When I am involved with someone, I don’t send announcements to all my IRL friends, and I doubt I’d announce it on the boards by starting a thread, even if the person was someone I met through the boards. I certainly wouldn’t announce it early - if it led to something serious, then I probably would then. Without the public announcement, the people who are my friends, IRL or in cyberspace, will know. They will know because I will tell them personally. And after all, no one else really cares, do they? Nor would I expect them to.

When I am feeling like shit (with the exception of one thread I started at a weak moment sometime last year), again, I don’t announce it by starting a thread. My friends, here or IRL, will know, because they’re my friends and I talk to them. And again, no one else really cares, do they? Again, I wouldn’t expect them to.

Finally, something I’ve learned about OL friends. The compartmentalized view that’s presented makes it much more difficult to gauge the level of friendship and trust. But like friends IRL, there are 1) casual acquantiances, 2) casual friends that you chit chat and BS with, and 3) best and rarest of all - friends you can tell your deepest secrets to, friends you can rely on and trust when things are good or when things hit rock bottom, friends that will tell you things that are hard to hear but need to be said. And until the shit hits the fan, it’s often very difficult to tell group 2 from group 3. And that applies IRL, too. Frankly, I think you’re extremely lucky if you have a few friends (or even one friend) in group 3 at any given time. And sometimes who lands in what group is a painful surprise.

29

OKAY…

I have been somewhat away from the board lately, due to the fact that in the middle of mourning my mother, my aunt (mom’s sister, and the closest thing to a physically living mother I HAVE anymore) had hip replacement surgery on Monday. I have been checking the PNW DopeFest thread because I felt responsible, and the thread I started about my mommy because I was devastated last Saturday and I wanted to make sure that everyone who posted, emailed me, ICQ’d me and sent me cards knew how absolutely terrific you all are. I have not been reading any other threads, and so I missed all of this sturm and drang. ( I probably spelled that wrong.)

But…

Listen. My life is not a bed of roses. Not even a bed of WILTED roses. I deal with it. Usually, I deal with it quite well. I am generally a pretty private person, and I try not to let my personal life spill over onto the boards.

I do the best I can, and I usually do fine. But last Saturday night, I was alone, and my best friend was out of town, and no one could really help me anyway. I hate to burden people with my problems…I hate to impose.

What did I do? Well, instead of imposing on the FEW, I imposed upon the MANY. I posted a thread about what I was feeling. I have to tell you, I woke up on Sunday morning and felt like a schmuck…not only did I fall apart, I fell apart in front of the whole blessed board.

Trust me, this is NOT something I usually do. But…I have never had SO many friends come to support me as best they could. I have never felt more loved, cared about or understood than I did when I read the responses to the thread I was so embarrassed that I had started.

Maybe this is not appropriate here, I don’t know.

What I really want to say, I guess, is this.

You all know that I love Beth dearly. But even if I DIDN’T, I would embrace her OP. She is right, correct, brilliant and eloquent.

We are NOT a bunch of anonymous THINGS, biffling off dredge. We are real people, who have either met or NOT met the people we have grown to care about. Doesn’t matter, really. If you LOVE, you LOVE. Doesn’t matter if you have never seen a face, or hugged a body.

I am happy for the people I care about, or love, if they are happy. I am sad if they are sad. I want to help them if they are stressed. I know I can’t do as much as I could if I were there…does that make what I CAN do any less loving?

When I love them and they are happy…would I be any more happy for them if I was actually there to see them shine? Maybe you would. I am not made that way. I’m not saying you are wrong if you feel that way…just that if you love someone, you want them to be happy.

As I said, my life is not all sunshine. When I log onto this board and find that someone I care about is happy, I AM HAPPY! I may not feel confident that it will last, I may think it WILL. I may not agree, I may think it is the best thing that ever happened.

But, WHATEVER I am thinking, it is because I care about my friends. They are MY FRIENDS! Not anonymous, objectively considered faceless people… they are MINE! Mine to love, and cherish, and care for. Mine to defend to the death if I find it is necessary. And I am a totally non-violent woman, but I would be entirely more likely to defend THEM to the death than I would be myself.

If they want to gush, or if they want to vent or cry, I want to be there for them. I WANT to help, within the confines of this medium.

In conclusion to this long and rambling post…

Please…let us just try to care for each other, or dispute with each other, or dislike each other, or support each other, or be HAPPY for each other HONESTLY without making anyone feel like they need to hold back how they feel. But…let us try to do this with grace, and dignity, and love.
And let us try to take our negative feelings to personal communication…email, phone, ICQ. If you care about someone, IMHO you should preserve both THEIR dignity and privacy and YOURS!

Doing this COULD become, I think, the best thing about this board.

Much Love,

Cheri

30

Although I am new here, I have been online for a while and have been involved in many different message boards over the years. Each message board has a culture and I always lurk for a while so that I behave appropriately. It’s no different than visiting a foreign country or someone’s home. On some boards profanity is unacceptable, on some the debate must be constrained in certain ways, on some only very specific topics can be discussed, etc. I like what I see here so I think that I’ll stick around for a while. When it no longer amuses me, I’ll leave. In the past I have met up in real life with people that I have met on line and it was fun but I’m ambivalent about doing that again.

As it happens, I don’t have any interest in the personal love lives of the people on here. I don’t read those threads if they are well identified. If I open one unaware and find it to be a thread like that, I close it after reading the first few lines. No bigggie. It’s so easy to do. Why shit in someone’s bird bath? If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I guess my silly little Pit rant about Pizza in the work place sparked a bunch of emotion in people (sorry but I haven’t figured out how to reference a thread yet). I posted about a minor workplace annoyance and another poster responded that I should be happy to have a job. As I interpret that culture in the Pit, it was an inappropriate response. That’s not the place for a debate especially since there is an area elsewhere especially for debates. Again, no biggie. Then a bunch of people attacked the poster which led to a bunch of silliness. What I do if a particular individual in a forum annoys me is I ignore them. The best weapon against a troll is to never respond to them. They will get bored and go away. If they don’t it’s not a big deal since their posts are very clearly marked with their name and you can easily avoid them.

Every board that with which I have been involved has gone though the exact same issues periodically. A few times it has completely destroyed the community. You are your own boss. Life is too short to read things that annoy you. Don’t be an asshole. Let people have their own fun. If too many people here bother you and you aren’t having fun anymore, move on. There are millions of on line communities out there and there will be one for you.

This will be my last ever post about forum politics. The debates, rants and funny anecdotes are what I enjoy here. Everything else is tiresome.

Haj

31

OP: I really like cats. How about you?

Response: Well, before I found my true love, that passionate spark that makes me feel complete, that wonderful so I have dreamed of all my life - excuse me - sniff I was just so lonely! I didnt even know it until I found him!! - I wanted a cat. I guess cats are ok.

32

Let me see if I can’t make sense of this.

kellibelli seems to have given an example of what the complainers are complaining about. I have not seen this myself, but if this is the case I can see how it can get tiring.

However, if there is a thread in which the OP centers around said declaration of love, then crashing the thread to say you’ve heard enough is a little out of hand IMHO, and that seems to have been apologized for.

I’ve also been told over the phone and in emails that some of the problem stems from other areas. People, here’s my take on this (I know just my opinion, not worth shit, but I’ll share anyway): if it happens in chat, leave it in chat. If this is a personal problem with someone, deal with it privately.

And for those of you who are in love and feel justified in spreading your joy to the four corners of the world:
As I said, I haven’t seen examples of what’s been going on except for threads in which the OP is dedicated to the subject of declaring your love, but I’ve been gone for a couple weeks and it’s quite possible I just missed it. You may not even realize your going off the subject of the OP to wax poetic about your SO again. You may not realize you may sound like a one-trick pony.

Ever see American Pie?
“This one time, in band camp…”

Now with that said, could someone link to examples of this overly excessive love-fest linking into other threads?

33

Although I don’t post often, I have read this board almost daily for about a year and a half. That being said, I feel I have a pretty good grasp on the ebb and flow of the board.

Here are my feelings about “pit degeneration”:

[The following is not intended to be taken as flaming by newer members of the SDMB, it’s just a comment.]

6 0r 8 months ago, the Pit could be broken down into 4 basic post types:

A) General Rants
B) Carryovers from Great Debates (GD)
C) Trolls posting just to piss off the mods/regular posters
D) Respected posters with legitimate (Or not) gripes about the administration.

Let’s break these down:

A) is pretty self-explanatory, just bitching about something that pisses you off. Could be trivial stuff, or flat out life changing. However, I have noticed that lately, some people feel the need to say that the general ranter is full of shit, whatever…

If someone feels the need to rant, why bust their balls? They obviously don’t really give a shit what you think at the time, so let em have their rant in the sun. You don’t agree, so fucking what, it’s a freaking rant.

Let’s look at B: It stands on it’s own. GD can produce some heated discussions, so it is natural a poster might want to pursue an argument in stronger terms, no prob.

On to C: Well, we all know the kind of pit threads the likes of Phaedrus and JDT can generate, but generally this type of Pit thread is harmless, since the instigator is usually banned.

Now, to D: Ah, I believe this is why the Pit was started in the first place, nuff said.

Now I will present E: This is a new one. Apparently, it has become popular lately. I will call it “Well, I read a mpsims thread where somebody I don’t know and will never meet said something that I didn’t like, so now I will take it to the Pit, whether I have real info, or bullshit, or I know them or not, so now I will give somebody shit, and if I do know them, I might gossip or defend them, depending on what somebody else said!”

Whew…

If you don’t like a fucking thread, don’t read it. If it involves somebody you know IRL, shut the fuck up. Most posters, including the person you know, don’t want to be slandered on a message board. It IS NOT worthy of a Pit thread, most people simply don’t care! Flirt all you want, but don’t start “I hate you” threads in the Pit, it’s not what it’s there for.

34

If I may interject my 2 cents here. One thing that bothers me a lot is saying “Well, this is the Pit!” to justify gratuitous insults and name calling. I thought that a while back some rules were defined for the Pit. (I’m sorry, I don’t recall the exact wording).

One of the rules here is “Don’t be a jerk”. Beating people down and berating them is wrong, Pit or not. (In my opinion)

One other quick aside, if I may. The title to the thread that got this started was "Come meet the SDMB President!!! ", which intrigued me. When the thread finally opened (it took forever due to the slowness of the board), I was irritated that it was a love-fest. I guess if you are going to have these threads, I personally would enjoy seeing them labled as such so I don’t waste my time waiting for them to open, only to find it is something I’m not interested in.

I think that when the boards are this slow tensions can run high about this stuff because sometimes you can’t just open a thread quickly, and close it because it doesn’t interest you. Sometimes you have to wait a painfully long time for a thread to open, only to find out it is yet another lovefest/popularity contest/secret admirer thread that I would not have opened had I known it’s contents.

For all posters in love, congratulations! Life is grand! Life is good! Label your threads! :slight_smile:

Zette

35

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been so kind to Zette and I since we discovered we are true soulmates. I can hardly stand not being with my Zettie-Wettie for more than a few minutes at a time. I thought love had passed me by but now I know how deliriously happy two people can be, even though they are miles apart.

[pause for etiquette question]
Is it necessary for your online wuvvie-poo to know that he/she is the object of your affection in order to gush about your newfound joy in living?

What? It is? Oh. Never mind then.
[/pause]

I just wanted to say that it really makes me angry that people feel like they need to tell someone else how they feel about things. If I was interested in your pathetic little life I’d be reading the obituaries to see if I can find you there. As near as I can tell I’m the only one on this freaking planet who has real feelings about real problems. The rest of you are obviously posting just to annoy me and I’m telling you it had better stop right now!

And furthermore my political/religious/scientific/moral/social views are interesting and important and, most of all, exactly correct. Yours, OTOH, are twisted perversions of truth, scarcely recognizable as coherent thought. You obviously arrived at your way of thinking by overexposure to sugar/alcohol/thalidomide/Barney in your formative years.

Oh, and somebody cut me off in traffic today.

And my boss is an idiot.

And sometimes people don’t see my tender side.

Or acknowledge my life’s pain.

That’s it for now. More as the situation warrants.

(That’s MY situation, you dolt! Who cares about you?)

If I hurt your feelings, too bad. This is the PIT after all!!

p.s. I love you guys.

p.p.s. Especially Zette!!

36

Um, Pluto…

Does this mean you won’t be introducing me to your in-laws after all? :frowning:

37

I had no idea! :slight_smile:

Zette

38

Well said Evilbeth, TruePisces, and hajario.

I think there are 3 main lines of thought. 1) That people should be open about their “love” <insert big bubbly font here with singing birds> on the board if they so desire; 2) They should be private about it and keep it off the board; 3) It’s ok to acknowledge it, but don’t spray it around everywhere.

I vouch for #3

That’s marvelous if you found that special someone on the board or at a gathering. Likewise, if you’re both comfortable with being open about it that’s fantastic and dynomite! But it does get just a little lame (and annoying) if it’s every post in threads all over the place,

It kind of reminds me of when I was young and at the amusement park. While waiting in line for an hour, the couple in front of us decided to suck on each other’s tongues’ the whole time! Now I really wanted to go on that ride, and I did, but felt annoyed that ‘that’ was in my field of view the entire wait. Just out of ediquette, don’t gush up the board with that sort of thing. Keep it to yourselves. Or if you have to gush please do it in as few threads as possible.

I don’t frown on people that are open about their life on the board. That’s their decision and fine. I prefer to keep my personal life off the board for the most part.

39

Actually, complaints about the administration were originally supposed to go in ATMB. The Pit was originally conceived as a place to throw threads that have degenerated into flames, no matter where the threads started out. The Pit was also supposed to be where you could air gripes about fellow posters. For instance, one guy (back when we allowed images) had a habit of posting a picture or two in each of his posts, which had the predictable effect of increasing the thread loading time. One person started a Pit thread about that.

Carry on, I just wanted to clear up some of the history here.

40

I think some people protest a preponderance of lovefest threads because they simply have a different set of goals for what the boards should be about. That doesn’t mean they should get their way (none of us has the right to dictate the board), but it also doesn’t mean that they have shriveled, ugly little souls. On the other hand, if they can’t express that viewpoint without pissing all over someone else’s cheerfulness, then it really doesn’t speak too well of them.

I think porcupine’s post summed up a lot of my feelings well.

Sometimes I spew my feelings on the board–good and bad. I know it’s self-serving and self-absorbed, but it’s cathartic, and usually I get the opportunity to hear some good input from other Dopers. I appreciate the indulgence of the rest of you when I do that. I try to be indulgent when the rest of you do it.

Does anyone else feel self-conscious about it when they’ve begged for attention with these kinds of posts? I finished my first dissertation chapter Thursday, a truly huge event for me, and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, including on the SDMB. But since I’d already written a big freak-out self-flagellating post about my kid’s teeth on Tuesday, I felt I had to lie low. Maybe if I gave more back (more advice, better advice, more friendly emails) I’d feel I could ask all of you to read more tripe about my personal life. As it stands now, however, I think I gotta be careful about pushing my limits of SDMB goodwill. Is it possible that when people feel pissy, it’s because they perceive an imbalance in what the poster gives to the board given what they try to take out of it? Just another theory.