[Fade in]
[Opening scene: Actor sits on toilet, pants around ankles, in “thinker” pose.]
Voice over: “Has this ever happened to you?”
[Actor sighs heavily, hunkers down and waits.]
[Foley: “Wah-wah-waaaaah” trumpet]
Voice over: “How about this?”
[Scene: Actor in a get-together, smiling and chatting with guests]
[Foley: “Blaaaat” trumpet]
[Actor looks momentarily stunned; looks down, feels around to his backside, looks suddenly startled, then embarassed; shuffles sideways in an attempt to excuse himself, then runs to the bathroom when out of the crowd]
Voice over: “Well it doesn’t have to ANY more! Introducing the revolutionary Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]!”
[Scene: Product shot; star-shaped yellow callout with bold red text highlighting product name]
Voice over: “Made of scientifically-engineered space-age materials and designed for your comfort, the Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup] puts you in control!”
[Scene: Actor on toilet in “thinker” pose.]
Voice over: “Ordinary sphincters are frustrating and unpredictable…”
[Actor looks startled momentarily, then relieved]
Voice over: “…and the mess!”
[Actor takes on curious look, lifts up slightly, looks down into the bowl, then looks at the camera with a look of horror on his face.]
[Foley: “Psycho” violin stabs]
Voice over: “But with Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], you decide when, where, and how you do your number two!”
[Scene: Actor seats himself on toilet, reaches down between his legs and makes an exaggerated push-button motion to activate product with an immediate expression of relief]
[Foley: Angellic choir with harp run]
Voice over: “Need to be on time for that important meeting?”
[Scene: Actor walks down office hallway, stops and looks at executive washroom, then looks at the ceiling with his index finger on his chin in a pensive posture momentarily before smiling and shaking his head negatively, then proceeding into the board room]
Voice over: “With Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], you don’t have to worry! Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]'s patented ProFlo[sup]TM[/sup] technology lets you wait until you have time to go to the bathroom.”
[Actor confidently shakes hands with CEO, then walks over to his seat and places his briefcase on the table.]
Voice over: “Trying to make a good impression with new friends at a party?”
[Scene: Actor is chatting up a pretty woman at a party, briefly taking time to surreptitiously pat his behind and wink at the camera]
[Foley: “Ting” bell on wink]
Voice over: “No embarassing accidents with Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]!”
[Scene: Product shot with contents of box spread out]
Voice over: “Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]'s control unit is small enough to fit right in your scrotum and is sealed in a soft, lightweight silicone shell – you won’t even know it’s there! Your doctor can install it in minutes and the procedure is completely painless! Ordinarily, you could expect to pay Five hundred or even a thousand dollars for a miracle device like this…”
[Scene: Oval yellow callouts with stated amounts appear in blue as announcer calls them, then are crossed out with thick red lines]
Voice over: “But for a limited time, you can own the amazing Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup] for only three easy payments of just $49.99!”
[Scene: Yellow star-shaped callout with stated price in bold red pops out below crossed out prices]
Voice over: “But wait! Call within the next thirty minutes and we’ll give you the Action Erectifier[sup]TM[/sup] – absolutely free!”
[Scene: Seconary product shot with box contents spread out]
Voice over: “Forget Viagra, throw away that Cialis, the Action Erectifier[sup]TM[/sup] works with your Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup] to give you instant tumescence! Be in complete control of your romantic evenings!”
[Scene: Woman fawning over Actor and running her hand over his chest; actor reaches down off-camera with exaggerated push-button action.]
[Foley: Slide whistle up; female surprised “oOOooh!”]
[Actor makes exaggerated push-button motion again]
[Foley: Slide whistle down; female disappointed “Awww!”]
[Actor makes final exaggerated push-button motion again]
[Foley: Slide whistle up; playful female giggle]
[Scene: Product shot with secondary product alongside]
Voice over: “But that’s not all! We’ll also throw in three tubes of warming personal lubricant absolutely free!”
[Scene: Tubes appear one-by-one beneath products]
Voice over: That’s the Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], The Action Erectifier[sup]TM[/sup], and three tubes of warming personal lubricant for three easy payments of just $49.99! Operators are standing by, so order now!"
[Scene: Informational slate with product and payment details]
Secondary voiceover [played at double-speed]: “To order, simply call the number on your screen, or send three post-dated cheques for $49.99 each to Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], 1 Skagway Avenue, New York, NY, 10169. Operators are standing by. Sorry, no refunds.”
[Fade out]