The Batman game

Last night I started getting into this conversation with my girlfriend and thought it might be a nice cooperative game for this forum. So here’s the situation:

Warner Brothers, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to release another Batman movie, the fifth installation in the series. It will be released in the summer of 2005. They have decided on a producer, or rather a committee of producers, and it is us.

We must decide, collectively, what this movie is going to be. All of our decisions need to be unanimous, or at least a majority of votes. Of course, there will be some negotiations among us, some compromises made, and a few hurt feelings, but if we are to get this done, we have to play nice.


Warner Bros. have already assured us a decent script writer, costume designer, cinematographer, etc. There will be a casting director for minor roles, but not for major ones.

We have a decent budget, but not unlimited. We can’t afford to pay Harrison Ford the hundred million dollars he’d probably demand to do what he might consider a fluff piece, one which might hurt his career. We might be able to get Ben Stiller, but we probably can’t get Ben Kingsley.

On the other hand, we need actors with some box office credibility. TV actors are OK, but they need to be decent box office draws.

This movie needs to make money. Likewise, it needs to be a good enough movie to develop a sizable fan base. It needs repeat ticket buyers, and it needs to generate merchandising.

Here are the tasks before us:

  1. Come up with a name for the movie.

  2. Decide on a villain. Remember that in past movies, some villains have died. Catwoman might be OK, but she’s been done. Audiences want something fresh.

  3. Decide on a director.

  4. Cast the 4 (or 5) largest roles. This should constitute the biggest of our tasks. We need to cast:

The villain
Possibly a secondary villain

Since past actors might be getting too old, and because audiences want something fresh, actors who have been cast in previous Batman movies are off limits.

Got it?

Off we go, then…

What do I win?


Alrighty, then, we’ve just issued a court injuction against them releasing that movie before 2006. :smack: Besides, I disagree with all of their choices.

Since no one has come up with anyone yet, let me propose the following:

Batman: Keifer Sutherland
Robin: Matt Damon
Batgirl: Elisha Cuthbert

My only probelm with this is that Sutherland and Cuthbert already have a relationship from 24, and that might be distracting.

Ehh, I dunno. I never liked the idea of casting a blonde as Batman (yes, including Val Kilmer). It just seems to go against the dark brooding thing in my mind.

Ditto with Robin; the only blonde who was/is ever Robin is female, and I don’t think Damon would look good/natural with dark hair.

How about Johnny Depp as Batman?

The big problem with the villians is that they’ve run through most of the good ones. We’re stuck with guys like Clayface or…hell, I can’t even think of another one!

goes wandering off to ponder a Robin

Tom Cruise as Batman…I’m not a big fan but I really think he would do a great job.

Lets throw in Wil Wheaton as Robin (we spent all our casting money on Tom).

I think a great villian not yet used would be Bane. I could see Brock Lesnar pulling this off, after all he’s out of the WWE and unlikely to be on the Minnasota Vikings.

Or perhaps we could use the Riddler as our villian - he’s my favorite. What? No. No that movie DID NOT HAPPEN. Jim Carrey as the Riddler. . . are you insane? Who the hell would ever green light that? Never happened. Never.


Tom Cruise? Wayyyy too short. And Will Wheaton is way too old to be Robin.

Also, they’ve already done Bane. They did a handy job of completely fucking up the character almost beyond recognition in Batman and Robin.

Actually, Christian Bale is probably better than anything I could have come up with. Although I think Dave Boreanaz (as was mentioned in some other Batman thread) would have been a good choice (provided he wasn’t quite as chunky as he was in Angel s5).

Robin is trickier. How about Kevin Zegers, most recently seen in Dawn of the Dead? He’s 20, but he looks younger.

Here’s my plot idea:

A new villian is introduced: Dr. Pennybags, a mad scientist, ambitious and extraordinarily rich, wants to join forces with Batman, for purely selfish and evil reasons (to be determined later). He publically announces his offer of sponsorship to Batman at a press conference on Gotham City Hall steps, saying how he feels that Gotham needs Batman, but crime has gotten so much that even the mighty Batman can’t handle it all. So he offers his services as a wealthy, ingenous inventor/scientist.

Batman stands him up/snubs his offer, and Dr. Pennybags realizes he won’t be able to gain control of Batman through a “mutual partnership.” So he embarks upon a evil-scientist project to collect the DNA of all of the fallen villians (Joker, Penguin, etc.) and resurrect them. Upon bringing them back to life, he tells them whichever of them brings Batman to him alive will receive $10,000,000.

The villians start out working seperately to get Batman, then they decide to team up and work together, not knowing they have all formed one or two secret alliances amongst each other.

Eventually, though, Batman is captured, brought to Pennybags, and all alliances break down when the villians’ greed sets in. Mayhem breaks out, Pennybags is killed, and Batman escapes.
I call it Batman Unmasked.

I envision a comedic version, a la the original Batman movie, with Will Ferrell taking on the role of Caped Crusader. Chirstopher Walken as Dr. Pennybags.

If it took a more serious tone, similar to the 1989 version, I’d take Colin Ferrell as Batman.

Either way I want a Ferrell.


It’s really time for some Batman porn.

Call it: Batman&Batgirl - Enter the Batcave

No, no, no… a million times no. Matt Damon playing the same character that was previously played by Chris O’Donnel? I don’t care if the franchise needs credibility after its absolutely horrid run, that just cannot happen.

Batman is in his early 30s and Robin is no more than fifteen.

Why is that so hard for non comic book people to fathom?

So, who’s going to play Jim Gordon? You can’t have a Batman movie without Commissioner Gordon! That would just be… wrong.

If Bane were going to be the villian, I would nominte The Rock. Or maybe Wesley Snipes.

Jack Nicholson could be the Joker… oh, wait, we’ve done that. Actually, that was the reason I went to see the first Batman movie. Twice.

Is Antonio Banderas too young to be Ra’s Al-Ghul? Is Ricardo Montalban too old? Maybe we could have them both, with Montalban pre- and Banderas post- Lazarus pit. Or maybe Anthony Hopkins could be Ra’s al-Ghul. Can we afford him?

I’d like to see Alyson Hanigan as Batgirl. Or Poison Ivy. Alyson Hanigan could be Poison Ivy, yeah, that would be cool.

How about Alexis Denisof as Batman? He’s a much better actor than David Boreanaz, and prettier, too. And looks really good without a shirt.

(note, I’m keeping my villian options multiple choice, like the Joker’s past.)

Batman is in his mid to late thirties, (actually, I think it’s high time DC took the plunge and gave him the touch of grey at the temples that would officially mark him as having hit the bit four-oh) and Robin is somewhere between twelve and eighteen. Hell, Stephanie was sixteen (well, still is, but she’s not Robin anymore) and I think Tim is, too, and I don’t think Dick Grayson turned in the red suit and yellow cape until he went off to college, which would have made him seventeen or eighteen

Of course, for the movie, I would want Robin to be 14-16. Anything younger would smack of child endangerment, and older would put him a bit too long in the tooth for teen sidekick status.

He’ll be too busy making his first Bond movie.

Two other thoughts on Batman: Sean Penn, Greg Kinnear.

What, not dark enough? Sean Penn too legit?

Oh, come on. Batman is the role Ron Jeremy was born to play.

Come on now, let’s not let this turn into a joke thread. Otherwise I’m going to have to pull a Slappy White as Batgirl on your ass.