I have never started a thread in the Pit and probably never will! So this is what being a virgin feels like. It’s been awhile!
By the way… I thought green M&Ms made your boobs grow! 
No wonder I don’t have boobs and I’m horny all the time! Too many of those damn green M&Ms!!
I’ve never started a pit thread. I suppose I could lie and say I’ve never posted to a pit thread, but the Very Petty Theft thread made Threadspotting.
Actually I get more heated in Great Debates than I ever got in the Pit.
About this “born again virgin” stuff. How does that work exactly?
“Look! My hymen grew back! It’s a miracle!!”
Yer pal,
Satan
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One month, one week, two days, 12 hours, 49 minutes and 25 seconds.
1581 cigarettes not smoked, saving $197.67.
Life saved: 5 days, 11 hours, 45 minutes.
I believe I once started a thread in the pit called I Love You Guys.
But Phaedrus hi-jacked it…
Do not forgive me, father, for I have not sinned!
I have abstained from the evils of the firey pit and maintained post-purity. Hallelujah!
I am the very soul of goodness and light! As such, I have thus far been able to resist the minions of the Pit.
Does Satan know he never had a hymen?
Well, I have never started a thread in the pit, however, I have posted to it a number of times. So, I guess I’ve made it to “third base.” One of these days I’ll reach home.
Nay, never, non!!! Not only have I never started a thread in the pit, I’ve never posted to one, and never read one in its entirety. I went there ONCE, to see what all the ruckus was about, looked at the thread topics, peeked at about three posts in one of them, and knew instantly that I was as much out of place as SqrlCub at a Fred Phelps fund-raising drive. I have never felt the need to look again.
I will humbly yet PROUDLY accept my ration of virginity, as I feel no shame for being a mellow person with no desire to flame others (live and let live and all that), and I will tack my holy 3x5 card on the wall of my cube where I can be reminded to savor my virtual unsulliedness each day. (Much more useful than that little white book I got at confirmation, whatever it was.)
My Pit Cherry has thus far not been Popped, BABY. Yeah. But I ain’t afeared, Ma. I like it hot and spicy.
Well, I just calculated that out of my 2860 current posts, 10 were in the BBQ pit, and only two of those could possibly count as “flames”.
That makes my BBQ Pit post count 0.35 % of my total post count, so can I join the club?
I’ll try to refrain from insulting other posters in the future, I promise!
My sin increases, will it ever know any bounds? Not only am I flaming posters of equal wit, now I flame newbies with no since of direction. It is a shameful quest I am on.
[beatific grin]Not only have I never started a Pit thread, no indeed posted to one, but I have never even beheld the thread list. I have only ever gone so far as to read threads from “Threadspotting” and one that someone else linked in a GQ thread.[/beatific grin]
So THERE! I’m purer than you’uns! 
dragonlady: The pit has seen thine presence but twice, and never have thine words caused a flame. Ye are hereby granted virgin status. Your halo should be arriving via UPS soon.
Snark: You claim to have started a pit thread once, however the search engine gods do not reveal your grievous sins. Flaming thyself? For shame- check thy palms for hair, if none there be found, thine virgin status is assured.
TopazAntares: Grieve not for thy missing flames from the Beast Master, for it is surely a hollow tribute. Blessed be thy virgin heart!
Talkinsquirrel: Surely the temptation of the rotting abyss is strong upon thee, but thy heart remains pure. Let thee be our first virgin rodent!
Nacho4Sara: Mine eyes do reveal the demons doth spit fire at thee from the catacombs, but thy soul remains pure. I confirm upon thee the level of Sainted Pit Virgin, let all ye who have bathed in the filth that is the Pit make a pilgrimage to come before Sara and kiss her nachos.
Catrandom: The gods have revealed your heresy unto me! Confess to thine sinful ways and thou shall be restored thy virginity.
GaWd: Hear thee cry out for salvation I do, but alas I feel it is not truly thy heart that cries, for the search engine reveals the true nature of thine sinful ways. I believe it must be Satan himself crying out from within thee, mocking the purity of the true pit virgins.
Saint Zero: Thy moniker is a testament to thine virtues. There is no record of trespass into the nether regions according to scripture. Go now, and walk upon the waters of virtue! Can I get a hallelujah?
Kneeling worshipers:
HALLELUJAH!!
Satan: How dare the Beast Master soil these hallowed grounds! I cast thee OUT!! Children- look away!
DAYIUZ: Thou art truly clean; go unto the humbled masses show unto them thy virginity.
funneefarmer: A single transgression hast thou, but forgiven it will be. Rejoice in thy purity and sin no more.
ultress and Mullinator: Your sinful deeds are well known among the righteous. Flee from this hallowed place to conceive your demon spawn in the unholy caverns below!
It_is_to_laugh-Non: Virginity is hereby granted. Be advised that thy tenure on these grounds is short, and thy virginity may be revoked without notice.
SwimmingRiddles: Fully five times thy presence has been recorded in the pit! Swear to me that ye shall never spit fire, nor rise up against thy brothers and sisters with angry flames, and upon thee I shall bestow virginity.
Shirley Ujest: Surely, you jest. Your brief hiatus from the den of foulspeak fools me not! NO soup for you!
WIGGUM: I accuse thee of being Chief Wiggum incarnate! Leave this place, vile minion of the pit!
aha: By thine own hand- EIGHTEEN transgressions?? And fully seventy-five times has thy presense been recorded! Not only is thy virginity gone forever, surprised I am if thee are still able to feel it any more. Thine Ed Zotti
thread shall live in infamy, no matter that it was not born unto the pit, for that was its destiny. Teach thy children the errors of thy ways.
Rachelle: Walk carefully my child, for scripture has recorded three times your presence in pit threads. Forgiven you are, on condition of total abstinence.
Biggirl: It is with a heavy heart that I must deny thee virginity. True it is that thee has never begun a pit thread, but fully eighteen times thy presence in the dungeons has been recorded.
peaches8: Alas my child, thy presence in the pit has been noticed on many occasions. More, it is apparent that ye are not penitent for thy sins. I fear thy virginity has been lost to the Beast Master forever!
cmkeller: But a single moment of weakness have thee experienced. Thee are truly a pit virgin!
Sunshine: Let the congregation rejoice! For never has thine foot stepped into the vile wasteland that is the pit. Thine virginity is supreme, there are many who must bow before thee in praise!
vandal: It is thine unpardonable sin, for thee hath spawned a thread for the Beast Master. Worse, fully nineteen times has thy darkness been felt in his land.
cygnus: Thy virgin skin has not been touched by darkness, neither has thy spirit been broken by the temptation. Blessed be thy black hole!
lucyfur: Hold on to thine cherry, and resist the lures of the brimstone caverns! Cherish thy virginity, and beware the seductions of the Beast Master and his Queen of the Pit!
Arnold Winkelried: Ask thine own parent if thy sister or thy wife is a virgin because she hath
known deeply only ten out of ten thousand men. The truth is not easy to hear, as thine half score of posts have soiled thee terribly.
Chronos: Thy virginity is supreme, indeed. Surely must the Beast Master be burning in evny at thy purity.
‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡
opus-
Comptroller of the BBQ Pit Virgin Registry
opus, Thou art fair and just. I have indeed sinned in the past, but canst thou not see the sincerity of my remorse? My humility in asking for your forgiveness has no bounds. Please pardon my transgressions! I swear on all that is holy that never again shall the “post reply” button be pressed by my trembling fingers in that accursed forum.
I would fain continue, but I cease for fear that my excessive breast-beating seem maladroit.
Thanks for the Hymen. 
Oh divine one, I have not yet five score posts. And indeed, I tremble in fear to admit spending many wanton hours lurking invisibly in the pit wherein I have knowingly soiled my eyes and polluted my eternal (though perhaps only theoretical) soul with the verbage therein, for it provideth much insight to the board-new concerning faults and grievious errors.
Yet to this day, praise be, I have not fallen from grace and posted. Nor have I dared to initiate a thread. But think not that I am proud. For it is not from lack of desire, but rather from fear of retribution and the likelihood–nay the certainty–that I wouldst make a fool of myself.
Honoured Opus, dare I presume to ask to be considered a BBQ virgin, though one sorely tempted? Or wouldst it perhaps be better to bestow upon me only novice virgin status, requiring servitude, testing, and thoughtful review before you deign to write upon my 3 x 5 card in ink those hallowed words, “Official Opus Designated BBQ Virgin”.
I await your ruling with quickly beating heart.
F*ck you anyways Opus. Like I wanted to be a “Pit virgin”, right?
-Sam
A million offerings to you o holy one!
::updates sig line::
I have to admit I have wandered once into the infamous pit but I did so through ignorance: here in Australia BBQs are fun things.
Having realised my error I posted once to the apologies thread and did the shepherd thing.
Have I inadvertantly compromised my virgin status?
Hear my plea and grant me the benefit of your wisdom.
(Please: no smiting)
Opus wrote:
Of course thou couldn’t find it. I was Snarkberry back then, master. But there is no hair on my palms, O Great One! (I shaved it all off when I declared myself a technical virgin.) I am indeed a Pit virgin of purest wool, whitest snow, and all that crap. Thou hast judged me aright.