The following started out as a reply to The Wedding Myth thread, but I started getting way off topic. I just wanted to say my piece, but decided to start a new thread. Please discuss the following and keep in mind that I am no expert on wedded bliss, though I wish I’d had more first-hand knowledge of it.
There seem to be a lot of people here who believe that anyone who thinks marriage can last a lifetime is deluded. Many of us have come from dysfunctional homes and some of us haven’t seen many marriages that worked out. I’ve seen one marriage that did – my parents’. Judging by the marriage my dad’s parents had, he should have been a loser in the marriage dept., too.
My dad’s dad was the black sheep of the family. He was a heavy drinker and stayed out all hours. Grandma (according to family folklore) hid a knife beneath her pillow on her wedding night, of all things. She was afraid that grampa might get drunk and violent (sheesh! Why the hell did she marry such a lout in the first place?) Everyone in dad’s home town knew what a runaround grampa was, and there were rumors that he had a mistress and children by her. Kids are hurt by their parents marital infidelity, too. He was deeply ashamed of his father, even though he loved him.
Dad’s first marriage was an elopement with a young lady from the other (right) side of the tracks. When he was drafted in WW II, her family immediately began trying to convince her that she’d made a mistake – trying to get her to have the marriage anulled, then bringing by all her old right-side-of-the-tracks boyfriends to convince her that she’d married a neer-do-well who’d turn out just like his dad. She got a divorce, instead, on the grounds of “abandonment”. Her husband “abandoned” her when he was drafted (I guess the judge was a friend of her dad’s).
When dad heard about the goings-on back home, he started having problems with military life, hoping to get a discharge so he could go home and stop all this marital sabotage. He finally got discharged, not due to his own actions. The military doctors discovered he had a perforated eardrum, and changed his draft classification to 4-f. Ordinarily, young men fought getting such a classification, but dad wanted to save his marriage. He was too late. Her father met him at the train station, telling him how he wasn’t good enough for his daughter, etc. Dad started to take a swing at the guy, but thought better of it halfway to the guy’s nose. He redirected his fist through a plate glass window.
A few years later, in college, he met my mom. Mom came from an emotionally restrained family, and didn’t quite know how to deal with my dad’s exhuberance. When they’d argue, she’d cry and then he’d feel like a heel. He also felt like mom wasn’t fighting fair when she did that. Eventually, mom learned to stand up for herself when dad was being overbearing.
A few years after that, dad decided he’d fallen in love with some woman at work. He wanted a divorce so he could be free to pursue this other woman. Mom told him “Bullsh*t!” You married me, dammit! Dad decided not to pursue the outside relationship. Later, both he and mom started drinking, then quit with the aid of AA. They had loads of troubles, but several factors combined to keep them together.
They were each other’s best friend. They genuinely loved and respected each other. They were (sometimes embarassingly) strongly attracted to one another. They were married for 42 years, and it would’ve been longer if dad hadn’t died in 1988. Statistically, my dad’s success rate for marriage was 50%. I think the half that worked out more than made up for the half that didn’t.
Marriage isn’t outmoded, but it ain’t easy. When things start to go sour, you can either jump ship or start working with your partner to keep things together. Surviving the rough spots bonds you together. Blaming your partner when things get tough guarantees it will fail.
The statistics don’t mean a damn thing when it gets down to just you and your partner. Either you both mean to stay in for the long haul or one (or both) of you will skip out when things go bad. A marriage that stays together for any reason other than the fact that both partners love and honor one another and want to put whatever’s wrong to rights will be a living hell. That’s why I think I hear so many people say “Don’t stay together just for the children – it’ll be the worse for them.” It’s true. People who don’t truly respect each other shouldn’t live under the same roof. They really ought not to have children together, either.
[/soapbox]
~~Baloo