If you’re like me, you sometimes might find yourself getting upset about some things that are really no longer relevant. So I thought you folks might like to post your old rants here, to get them off of your chest.
Yep, I had one in mind when I started this. Here goes:
Hellooooo, Academy slush-heads? Please put down Mr. Downey’s crack-pipe and answer me this.
Have any of you seen John Singleton’s SHAFT? I thought not. Because if you dumb fucks had, you would have nominated Samuel L. Jackson for Best Actor, despite the fact that he’s a black man. Your declining relevance as a measure of anything except your own glitzy ignorance makes it evident to me that I need never again heed your recent recommendations at the video store. May you ride your bouncing Chariot of Fire straight to fucking Hell!
Ahem. Okay, I feel better now. Please, feel free to use this resource for whatever ails you.
No, I have NOT seen “Titanic”. And believe it or not, Sparky, I have no desire to EVER see it. I know how it ends. The boat hits an iceburg and Pretty Boy sinks like a brick. Which, by the way, was a kinder fate than he deserved, after that hideous retch-inducing farce they had the gall to call “William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet”. What happened; they had a bunch of sets and props left over from “Boyz in the Hood” and not enough money to hire someone to come up with an original screenplay? What’s that? You say “Titanic” is, like, the best movie you’ve ever seen in your life?
Get a new life. The only way I’d watch that movie is if, at the end, Leo drags that wailing banshee stick insect Celine Dion down with him.
You want to watch a leading man go down with class, rent “Dr. Strangelove”. Now THAT’S the way to go! All the death and ZERO cheap emotionalism!
Fuck you, AFKN (Armed Forces Korea Network)!!! You bumbling, high school dropout clusterfuck General’s scrotum-lickers! Not satisfied with having your collective heads up your OWN asses, you apparently had to go out and find large herd animals so that you might insert your heads up asses that are far enough removed from your work so that your incompetance might reach semi-Biblical proportions!
Remember last year, when you advertised for weeks that you were going to televise Star Trek: Generations? “Oh, Goodie!”, I thought, and set aside the evening to catch a Star Trek movie that I hadn’t yet seen (I coulda been out drinking, or getting laid, or surfing porn… but NOOOOO… I wanted to see the movie!).
I sat down with a bag of micro-waved popcorn, turned on the TV to be greeted with an ad, “Coming up next, Star Trek: Generations!”
Huzzah! The movie started, opening in England circa 1945, at an army encampment full of African-American soldiers…
“Hmmm…,” I thought, “Interesting! This must somehow segue into one of the guys being Geordi’s great-great-great-great, etc. grandfather or something!”
I watched for almost an hour before it struck me that there WAS NOT GOING TO BE A MIRACULOUS SEGUE INTO THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE! You had lied to me, and played an entirely different movie!
I can’t fucking believe this! Some guys got arrested breaking into the democratic party headquarters!!!. Mark my words, this shit goes straight to the top! I never trusted that bouncy-faced bastard!
You traded Matt Clement and Eric Owens. One’s a great pitching prospect, the other’s a gamer & crowd favorite. Why must you trade ALL of my favorite players to watch? I may as well just throw in the towel and give up on Phil Nevin. Certainly you must be shopping him around, as it’s OBVIOUS that he’s another one of my favorites.
I’d like to be a fan of your godforsaken team, but since your roster changes more frequently than my underwear, I’m having a bit of a problem developing any sort of loyalty. The only constant (forgive me folks, I love him, but it’s getting old) is Tony Gwynn on the bench with a swollen knee. Hoorah.
Oh GOOD! I have several. I don’t know if they’re out of date…but they aren’t enough for a whole thread individually:
Can we please…everyone…cut the GERMANS A LITTLE BIT OF FUCKING SLACK???
Can you not chuckle with amusement and ask if I’m related to Hitler when I tell you I’m German?
It is the year 2001…and just because someone IS a German doesn’t mean they are a NAZI. Just because someone is a German doesn’t mean they’re a pale, soulless, humorless facist subversive sexual deviant who writes bad poetry. Got it?
Think before you say stupid things…or more importantly TRANSLATE WORDS before you presume what they mean.
Korn, for several assholish reasons…fuck you
Marlitharn I couldn’t fucking agree more if you were my violent cult leader. I have no desire to watch Titanic. Why? Because I hate mainstream film? Not at all. Because I’m trying to be ‘different’? NOPE. BECAUSE THE MATERIAL DOESN’T INTEREST ME. GOT IT? EAT IT.
Also, The English Patient SUCKED ASS. Know it, and don’t try to prove me wrong.
And finally…to the absolute stranger in White Hen Pantry who said, “would it kill you to smile at people?”
Enough is enough, I have to get it all out before I burst!
Why can’t they syuncronize the FUCKING STOP LIGHTS in the fucking high tech capital of the world? Huh? Yes, San Jose, I mean you. Why in the hell do we stop at EVERY SINGLE LIGHT on major streets, instead of sailing through like peolpe do in most modern cities. Fuck you, I’m glad I don’t live in this flea-infested backward burg!
Why can’t fucking Pacific Smell finally stop billing us for the damn DSL we never had from their pathetic walkie talkie company. These assholes have been going at it for almost a year, promising each month to stop, and never accomplishing that simple task. Morons, morons with brains the size of gopher pellets!
Enough is enough; I have to get it all out before I burst!
Why can’t they synchronize the FUCKING STOP LIGHTS in the fucking high tech capital of the world? Huh? Yes, San Jose, I mean you. Why in the hell do we stop at EVERY SINGLE LIGHT on major streets, instead of sailing through like people do in most modern cities? Fuck you, I’m glad I don’t live in this flea-infested backward burg!
Why can’t fucking Pacific Smell finally stop billing us for the damn DSL we never had from their pathetic walkie-talkie company. These assholes have been going at it for almost a year, promising each month to stop, and never accomplishing that simple task. Morons, morons with brains the size of gopher pellets!
Okay let’s stop kidding ourselves here. The shortage of woolly mammoths is not “just a phase” and I don’t think slaughtering the neanderthals two caves down is going to solve the problem. Come on folks! Pound your heads against the rocks and think!
Fuck YOU, America for electing Ronald Reagan as president.
My god, reading old magazines from 1984, why would you REELECT him, after all the crap he pulled? Hell, Mondale fairly kicked his ass on intellect-Reagan was a either a greedy warmongerer or an out of touch senile old man with delusions of grandeur.
Oh and fuck you, George V, for not letting the Imperial family come to England. Isn’t it nice to see a 13 year old hemophiliac beated, stabbed and shot to death?
Fuck YOU, Mrs. Hitler, for not having an abortion.
80’s “hair” metal bands, I hate all of you. Def Leppard, Ratt, Quiet Riot, Helix, Poison, Twisted Sister, Triumph, White Snake and, especially, Bon Jovi; you know who you are. Never has so much vinyl been wasted on such incredibly non-talented, unentertaining music as the steaming pile that you bunch cranked out during the eighties.
Jimi Hendrix had a red guitar, three chords, and the truth. You pretty pretty boys had screaming guitars, three chords (or less), and really big, teased hair. Doesn’t compare, somehow. I’m glad most of you just faded away like the no-talents you are. Except for Bon Jovi, the worst of the bad bunch. You guys just keep hanging around like a three-day bender fart.
(Thank you, Sofa King for the opportunity to finally get this off my chest.)
You know, DC and Marvel, your Access crossover was one of the last comic books I bought, and it almost made me give up reading comics forever. I know whoever wrote that steaming pile of shit was a Marvel fanboy (Superman needing help from spiderman when he’s fighting VENOM?), but for you to have Bishop beat the shit out of the Martian Manhunter was simply retarded. I understand that MM is an obscure character (He’s only been in the JLA since its debut in the late 60s:rolleyes: ), but only a completely uninfomred inbred moron would write him getting beaten up by some guy with no super strength whatsoever. Could Bishop beat the shit out of the Vision? How about Thor? Because MM could arm wrestle either one for a win, assclown. Try doing some basic research on the characters you use in your stories, you sad sack of donkey shit.
Ronald Reagan? Jesus fucking Christ. I lived for eight years with the fear that WWIII would be started because Ronnie mistook the red button for a nurse pager.
George Lucas: Way to take an excellent trilogy and fuck it all to hell. Episode two better be a LOT better than one, or I’m going to personally arange a C3PO/Ewok/Jar Jar gang bang, with you as the geek meat.
Whoa there, Sealemon88, you diss Bill and I’m going to have to take my Custard Sock to your sorry ass!!! You wouldn’t know a shoulder roll if it got up and gave you a haircut!!! Oh, and speaking of haircuts, I bet you’re just the sort of phasers-on-stun tribble-loving wimp who wouldn’t think twice of impersonating a hairdresser if you thought it would gain you a tactical advantage!!!
Hah!!!
Hah, again!!!
