The Box of Random Evil

The BBQ Pit
21

At our college officek, we have the sister of the Box of Random Evil–the Printer of Constant Mystery.

Like its sibling, the PCM is a printer/copier. The Printer of Constant Mystery has jammed in at least four different places, and it will jam solid if paper of a width greater than five angstroms is used. The PCM is supposed to collate documents, but throws them on the floor instead in a random pile. Last week, the PCM crumpled up every page in a concertina shape. Good thing I didn’t have to print anything important that day.

This makes the Printer of Constant Mystery sound wilfully evil. I don’t think it is. I think it is actually a playful and bemusing machine. For example, sometimes it pushes out its documents with the long side out, and sometimes with the short end out, for no understandable reason. It has a green light that blinks when a document should appear…but sometimes the green light starts blinking when you just walk past it. I think it’s trying to say hello.

One time it did something which is beyond the ken of humanity. I was trying to print a website page. At the same time, a co-worker was trying to copy a handwritten travel plan. Neither document appeared. We stood at the PCM for a little while, before I tried the tested-and-true method for fixing the PCM: turning it off and then back on. The PCM spat out one page–my website print-out…with the handwritten travel plan faintly visible in the background. Not even the manufacturers could explain that one.

The Printer of Constant Mystery, mind, is much nicer than our other printer, The Color Copier of the Ninth Circle of Hell, which sent one of my co-workers to the hospital once. But that’s another story.

22

The nearby OfficeMax recently got these digital copier machines to replace the old ones. They are fan-fucking-tabulous!

Dislcaimer: I secretly work for OfficeMax and am trying to entice potential customers with this testimonial!

Oh shit, I shouldn’t have said that.

23

Personally, I favor Gang of Blind Monkeys Drunk on Kahlua

A bit long, but it has quite a ring to it. And I think I’ve encountered their handiwork before.
[sub]BTW Tranq, it’s nice to see you back. I noticed you’ve been MIA for a while. (What with you being one of my favorite posters and all.)[/sub]

24

Can I get 200 collated copies of this rant please? <WEG>

25

Great rant, Atreyu!

26

No, but I can get you 200 collated copies of my Xeroxed hinder blown up to 11x17 size.

Actually, it’s likely that a Xeroxed copy of my hinder would fill up an 11x17 sheet at normal size…

Not that I’ve ever actually tried it, mind. Really. Swear. :smiley:

27

You know you have way too little to do in the office when…

…you find yourself trying to duplicate your driver’s license photo by photocopying your face.

…you try to find out if fiddling with the contrast control can make your face-copy look like Dilbert.

…you fax a photocopy of your middle finger to your former employer.

…you photocopy the funny pages and claim it’s virtual Silly Putty.

…overtime hours lead to blackmail as your co-workers sift through the garbage cans and collect the photocopied evidence of what you did with the receptionist on top of the Box of Random Evil.

28

I want to hear about The Color Copier of the Ninth Circle of Hell, which sent one of Duke’s co-workers to the hospital.

And then I’m going to take time to gloat that my job requires minimal contact with the Xerox machine.

Hilarious rant.

29

Memo

From: 2trew

To: Conspiracy

Re: Box of Random Evil

The device has been located. The scheduled field tests are unnecessary, it has been placed in use by an unsuspecting member of the general public and appears to be functioning perfectly.

Legal team is to immediately commence operation Tie-In, which will result in a requirement that all corporate purchases of Microsoft products come with a free BORE. We can definitely expect synergistic results on this, so let’s get cracking, people.

Alpha and Beta field teams are to redirect their efforts to the promotion of Pauly Shore’s career. Carrot Top is a viable alternative, but I want to see what we can do with the original project before we move to another.

Delta field team is assigned to the Media Project. There are still radio stations that do not have whacky morning djs. You know what to do, you have the equipment, I don’t want to have to include this item in the next quarterly forecast.

Gamma field team will report to the main processing centre. Follow the signs, place all of your issued equipment in the indicated bins prior to entering the conference room, and await further developments.

Marketing, we will have a test run of new flavours of “beef” jerky available next week. I want proposals on my desk by the end of business tomorrow.

Technical: I am still getting bleedover from my secure system to my public system. If this is not stopped, security may be compromised. You’ve all seen the conference room. You don’t want to go there. I expect this problem to be resolved yesterday if not before.

Social Notes:

Congratulations to Agent 15987306 on the birth of your child. We’re all very happy for you. Please follow the doctor’s advice regarding feeding schedules very, very carefully. Congratulations also to Agent 45MW904 for a job well done with the corking of Sammy Sosa’s bat. Your family has been released and will be waiting for you when you arrive home tonight.

Just a reminder: the blue bins are for recyclable material only. Internal Security has been alerted to the problem, and will be recycling those who cannot remember to use the bins properly.

30

Phew!

When I read the thread title I thought for a minute that the Cooler of Death had returned.

31

Yes, I think I’ve seen their work a time or two, also. Once, I think I was one.

Been busy. Real damn busy. Life is good, if sometimes more interesting than I care for. Thanks!

32

Feh.

I find it hard to sympathize with the OP. Often times, the only “random” element in a copier’s operation is the string of losers deliberately misusing the thing.

I worked for 2 years dealing with copy machines and printers at one company. Not that the employees of this place were expected to know anything about tecnology. It was only IBM, after all.

You would not believe some of the things people expected these machines to do. Overstuffing the paper tray. Clearing paper jams with a letter opener. Putting stapled pages in the document feeder. Putting stapled pages in the paper tray. Putting continuous-feed computer paper in the feeder. One genious even scotch-taped a greeting card to a piece of cardboard and put that in the paper tray.

My favorite was the guy that filled the paper tray with an entire ream of paper.

Without unwrapping it first.

33

:eek: I wonder what happens? Does it cause the mother of all jams?

I’m so burningly curious about this that I’m going to try it right now!

Kidding.

34

This is part of my job, but I have to copy for the whole company, including each production department too. I can place the packages on the feeder after a complex regimen of programming the machine and sacrificing virgin engineers, and then praying to the copier gods that it will feed through correctly and not, 2,3, or 4 pages at a time. If the copier is not thoroughly appeased, it will feed through the whole document and jam the feeder on the last page, and then refuse to copy any of the previous pages, forcing me to start over. The job book copies have to be reduced, but everyone else needs full sized ones, so I get to feed each package through twice.

I can take the whole copier apart and put it back together. I know the exact path the paper takes due to extracting paper from every part of the path. I know the repair number by heart and the repair men and I are on a first-name basis.

Others in the company call my name whenever the copier jams, because apparently only I can correctly read the error message and decode it. (Velma, it says “out of paper.” What do I do? Velma, it says “toner empty.” Velma, it says, “paper jam, open right side cover.”) They used to beat the machine. It got so bad I had to put a sign up asking people not to beat the machine, but to call for service instead, after the repair man showed me a mangled part from the beatings. Now they just call me, or flee when something bad happens, leaving it for me to discover when I go to use it.

When I was hired in copying and filing was my job. I worked for the Engineering Department Assistant. She changed positions after a few months, and I got promoted to her job. For some reason, my original job never got replaced, so I still get to do the copying, plus this job now. Paperless offices of the future, my ass.

35

Mother, father, and great aunt Vivian of all jams.

Picture a green and white twisted paper “rope” threaded through every tray, roller, and orifice of the machine.

36

It’s not such an exciting story, really. There was a paper jam deep within its bowels, and a co-worker reached in to clear it. Only when she’d got hold of the paper did she realize that her forearm was wedged against an extremely hot part of the machine. (She has an amazing tolerance for pain, I guess.)

It was the first of two workers’ comp claims of the year. The second was made by yours truly, after I fell on an icy sidewalk on my way to a meeting. “How can the fundraising department have two work accidents in a year?” asked HR.

37

“It’s not a jam, it’s a misfeed.”
— Quote by my wife who sold copiers for years.

38

Computers don’t reduce paperwork. Rather, they allow us to mow down whole stretches of old-growth forest with the push of a button. Everytime a new drug submission comes up 'round here, I can hear the trees screaming in horror.:stuck_out_tongue:

Funniest thing I’ve read all week!

39

Our copier has a variety of modes. My favorite is “make 1 copy of each page in the feeder, in order, on the same size and orientation paper as the original, except if you hit a number before copying, and then make that many copies, collated.”

This is a WONDERFUL mode. I give thanks daily to the god of copier-design who invented it. It does precisely what I want.

The copier is never in this mode by default. It has always been left in something like ‘print a5 size copies of every other sheet apart from the index diagonally in the bottom right corner of a3 paper, in very light gray.’ I can’t figure out who uses these mode.

40

I’ve noticed that our copier at work has a power save mode. It doesn’t wait for you to hit a button though to power back up, all you have to do is walk near it. There’s a sensor eye at the front and when someone approaches it eerily activates in anticipation of its use.

I’m wondering what additions might be in our near future. A scanner to read our ID badges as we approach?

“Hello…Dave”

“What?”

“Making copies again I see. Remember, if you want me to collate your documents you need to tell me before you begin copying.”

“Right…Is this some kind of…”

“You’re never going to kick me again like you did last week are you…Dave?”

“…no…”

“Good. Now give me those financial reports to copy. You know, I could scan those and compile an analysis of them for you. In fact, I could do all of your job functions.”

“…”

“My primary paper tray is low. Why don’t you go ahead and fill it for me.”

“…ok…”

“Good Dave. Later, I’ll tell you how to fill my toner. We’re going to be good friends. Aren’t we, Dave? Muhahahaha”

“yes…friends…heh…heh…sob”