What I REALLY wanted to say to my asshole boss

The BBQ Pit
1

So I’m working as a secretary for this architect, a large, intimidating man with a deep voice and hot temper. And the primo secretary is on maternity leave so I’m doing her job as well as my own. I’ve got two printers cranking out proposals and I’m typing meeting notes into a third PC while answering the phone. Mr. Frank Lloyd Wrong comes over and has me stop what I’m doing so I can put some fucking paper in the fucking copier while HE stands there doing absolutely NOTHING. My ass is nothing to brag on, so it wasn’t for the view. No.

What I REALLY wanted to say was:

Is your dick so FUCKING large that you are unable to BEND OVER and put that paper in yourself?

ahem
That feels much better.

2

[Office Space]

PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?

[/Office Space]

I understand what it’s like to be the only person who seems to be capable of loading paper into office machines. It’s not hard, people. Get someone to show you how if you need it, but learn, okay?

3

Put paper in the copier - I don’t think so, it is not a manly enough task.

However when the paper jams I’m sure your boss (like mine) will be more than happy to tackle the dread machine with a screw driver and various other manly tools to get that ickly bit of paper out. Of course whilst he is proving how manly and superior he is he will of course damage the drum and all sorts of other important bits. Thus rendering the copier “Out Of Order” until such time as you can get someone in to fix it. All of this will of course be your fault because you are the person in charge of the copier.

4

tee-hee

Actually I was called upon to fix a jam in said copier on one of my first days on the job - with no previous exposure to that copier, no training, no explanation as to how the stupid thing works. I was like, “Sure, I’ll bring my magic ovaries in that copy room & get the thing straightened out.” (picture hands on hips, fingers splayed to resemble shooting rays)

An hour later I had two architects and an engineer tugging on a piece of plastic inside the thing, which turned out to be a part of the machine & not the item causing the jam. The repairman arrived while they were in the process of digging out the tools as described above.

5

I’m pretty sure office copiers are not just the inanimate objects they would like us to believe. Mine has this uncanny ability to know exactly when would be the worst possible moment for it to stuff up. Is it possible that they were too evil to stay in hell so the devil sent them to torment us in this lifetime?

In a similar photocopier related hijack - my big evil plan to take over the world involves strategic placement cannons filled with photocopy toner. I’m pretty sure that after a couple of hours of blanket toner bombing the world will give up and declare me supreme ruler.

6

What’s the deal with all the “affordable” printers at places like Best Buy/Wal-Mart etc. with the toner cartridges that cost JUST AS MUCH AS THE DAMN PRINTER? Geez! What I want to know is, which one is marked up? The printer or the toner? And is toner really made of pure gold, and no one’s bothered to mention it? Does this mean the printer cost $0.04 cents to manufacture?

I realize this is a slight hijack. I just thought, in the spirit of the OP and of Office Space fans everywhere, that I could share my personal PC Load Letter moment.

sob of rage

7

The toner. Let me put it this way: Hewlett-Packard is not in the printer business. They’re in the toner cartridge business.

8

I used to sit next to the copier in an office of about 40 people. I actually had some dessicated old cunt look at the copier and then at me and say, “the copier isn’t turned on.” It was that imperious tone of voice meant as a demand. I pointed out the “on” switch. God, but I hated that woman.

9

giggle

10

Just leave him “while you were out” messages that a “Harry K. Thaw” keeps calling to see him and it’s “very urgent.”

11

Hmm.

How disappointing. This turned out to be a “Why copiers are evil denizens of hell” thread, when what I was expecting was a “Why bosses are evil denizens of hell” thread.

Like this ass bomb I worked for a decade ago. Who once came into my office demanding to know the number for our bank. Although I was far too busy fixing his other screw ups to spare a moment flipping through the rolodex, I did so anyway. When I pointed to the correct card with the number on it, he glowered at me and demanded “Well, write it down!” Must suck to have broken wrists.

Of course, this was all part of what he called “Executive priviledge.” That was his term for what was “I’m going to excercise my own perverse form of elitist bourgois classism, even though my giant corporation has only 8 employees, whom I never pay because I spent their paychecks on a new company car, which only I am allowed to drive.”

Ah yes, the car. That expensive piece of dung. Many more paychecks (of everyone but him) were spent keeping that scrap bucket in the shop. And on one of the few occasions when Tonka Heap was working, towelhead boss told a 17 year old temp (who had no license) to move Junkyard Failure from one illegal spot to another. When said temp almost hit a wall, fucknose boss threw a hissyfit, complaining that “Executive priviledge is not all it’s cracked up to be.” Hey cuntbrain, if you don’t like it, perhaps you shouldn’t order a minor to engage in several illegal activities on your behalf.

Then there was the time when he spilled ice cream on his shirt, and ordered the receptionist to take it home and wash it. When she refused, he fired her. Big deal, it’s not like she was getting a paycheck in the first place.

Or the time when he was being audited, and ordered all of his employees to stay late to search for past (creatively fictional) tax records, while he himself played video games.

I could go on and on, but just thinking about the douche nose is giving me unpleasant flashbacks. Man, I’m glad I quit that sorry excuse for a job. Now if I could only get my past paychecks.

12

Small claims court? Judge Judy? She’d really ream your boss!

Did anything every stick to your boss from the audit? Any jail time? Enquiring minds want to know!

13

And don’t you just love it when they ask you to fix the copier/fax/printer that they fucked up, and you ask them what they did and get this standard reply:

NOTHING.

Makes me want to kill the lot of them.

14

Amazingly, this guy has never been prosecuted for anything. Aside from being a fucknut, he’s a smooth talker. I remember being in the room when he was being investigated by the Dept. of Labor. He claimed, despite being in business for 10 years, that he’d never even heard of “Time and a half.” The DOL woman believed him, for some reason.

I’m not sure what happened with the IRS thing, but I think he just ended up paying huge fines. Guess who footed the bill for that?

15

[Phil Hartman as Ed McMahon]
Older reference lost on younger viewers
[/PHAEM]

I thought it was damn funny, though.

16

That reminds me of another job, working for “Harry and Bob”, two titans of industry you can be sure. Harry hadn’t promised to pay me for holidays and intended to deduct them from my weekly check, only he couldn’t figure out how much I made each day. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna help him.

The killer was that when Harry ran out of money (we were telemarketing birdhouses - at a loss) he kept on writing paychecks anyway. So on payday we’d all race to our cars & then to the bank 'cause whoever got there first might actually get the check cashed. Everyone else just had commemorative paper to celebrate their workweek!

17

Pretty much same story for me. Except that it was my job to actually write the paychecks. And I knew how much (or rather, how little) we had in the bank at any given time. Being that I loved my coworkers dearly, I wanted to make sure that they got paid in a timely manner. Until I discovered that by doing that, I was screwing myself. It took me about three weeks to figure out that I should be looking out for numero uno.

18

tdn, your story reminds me of the letters I used to type for Harry. He was getting busted for all kinds of stuff - like, he didn’t pay his taxes and he tried to argue that it was b/c the mailman hadn’t picked up the mail sitting on his desk! So every letter - sweartoGawd - started out “I don’t know what happened” and ended “Please advise”.

And speaking of cars, architect mentioned above had 3 cars in his fleet. One day his son, the Golden Child, went out to start one of them when it was, oh, 400 below zero or something. He was out there for 20 minutes giving it gas. Nothing. So he came back inside and pretty soon our receptionist noticed little wisps of smoke coming up from the hood. Next it was flames. And then huge flames. That jerkoff burned up the car! The fire department had to put it out - total loss.

19

So my boss isn’t the only one who can’t put paper in the printer! She has a PhD, but somehow can’t figure out where the paper goes in a very simple, basic laser printer. And she gets upset when I won’t jump right away to fix her little problems when I’m in the middle of something else.

And brianjedi , you hit the nail on the head–they don’t know how to do it, and they don’t care to learn. It’s just easier to interrupt someone else and make them do it.

And don’t even get me started on what happens when she tries to make double-sided copies. It’s just ugly.

ME

20

Can you get me a coffee, babe? cream, 2 sugars.