The Candy Ass Chorus

I wonder what sort of expectations my thread title may have led to …

First, some background. I’m spending the last year of my degree living on campus in a nice little single room at the end of a narrow hall. The accoustics here are completely one-way. Anything that goes on in the hallways can be heard with perfect clarity from any room ( to the point where my mother could hear every word of a conversation happening in the hallway three doors down from my room. Over the phone, long distance), though nothing in the rooms can be heard from the halls. It’s impossible not to be aware of this, so anyone who doesn’t want an audience generally takes things to their rooms ( not that, with a huge lounge one floor down, there’s any need to hang around in the narrow hallways upstairs). So, it’s usually pretty peaceful up here.
Enter the Candy Ass Chorus. “Candace” and her roomate live in my hallway a few doors down from my room. A few nights ago, 20 minutes before Quiet Hours start, a trio of boys show up to see if Candace can come out to play.
“CANDACE?” Thump thump thump
“Candace?!” Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump
“Hey Candace!”

Candace is not home. This takes a while to sink in, but I’m pretty sure they got it when she didn’t answer the door after the thirteenth or fourteenth time they called and pounded with no response. And I’m also pretty sure that the whole thing would have ended there if one of them hadn’t made a brilliant discovery…

“…Hey guys. Cand-ASS.”
“Cand…ass? Huh huh huh”
“Hey, Cand-ASS!!”
thump thump thump

That was a true ‘eureka’ moment. And the chorus starts over with renewed vigor.

“Ass cand?..Ass candy!!! heh heh heh”
“Candy ASS! Huh huh huh”

The chorus is much too impressed with how clever they are to let a little thing like neither Candace nor her roomate being home deter them. There’s a whole other girl who lives in that room that they haven’t found a way to parody yet. The roomate’s name? Erin. I have to hand it to them, this one was more difficult than Candy Ass.

“CANDY ASS and Errrrrrin?!”
“Candy ASS and …Urine!”
"Candy Ass! Urine!"thumpthumpthump
I turned up Winamp and they eventually left to share their discoveries with some one more appreciative than Candy Ass and Urine’s unresponsive door. Freshmen mating rituals baffle me.

Sometimes I really wish Charles Whitman was still alive.

Heh. And my mother refused to believe that people as stupid as Beavis and Butthead could possibly exist.

Gotta LOVE dorm life huh?

Heh heh heh hmmmm heh. Huh. You said “ass”. :smiley:

[sub]B&B kick ass, OK?[/sub]

The dramatic pause before the pronouncement of “ASS-cand” makes them literary geniuses, I think.

Perhaps a well-placed, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” would have been appropriate at some point?

That, or calling your RA.


Why leave things to the experts that one can just take care of oneself? G

Sorry for the hijack, but does anybody know what happened to Muldoon’s Squishiness? I just noticed that he’s been banned, but I can’t see any reason for it or any explanation…


Just another lost sock, godzilla.

Sort of reminds me of that great old song “Open the Door, Richard!” but without the good part.