Lots of religions have funny ha…clothin…vestments. I mean vestments. Ya know, if you wore a toque, guess what your head would look like!!!
Y’all want me to whip up some sacred toques and send 'em over? Mainly pink, a few brown, a few yellow and a couple slightly blemished for the higher clergy? What about holy raincoats to shower in?
I (as it were) itch to be helpful.
Just make sure they cover our heads when we stand straight up!
“I (as it were) itch to be helpful.”
I don’t want to know about the ill treatment you’ve given your foreskin . . . send it over and we will shower it with affection. It will feel loved.
I’ll make bumber stickers WWJDTD
How about a simpler WWYFD?
What Would Your Foreskin Do?
I’m sure we could come up with any number of “What Would” stickers and such . . . proceeds go to foreskin research.
Before I convert, I need to know. Is the church Orthodox or Unorthodox?
I saw Christ’s foreskin in a couple of churches in Italy.
Someone should go get it, and bring it here so all circumcised men can have a piece of it reattached!
That would start them on the road to salvation!
All hail the VPF!
(sings) Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the…
Much like Jesus with the loaves and fishes, the VPF has an infinite supply of foreskin which may be used to restore all the mutiliated penii of the faithful. The faithful will then be able to skip foreplay and use only short strokes. No unholy wet spot will appear. The neighbors of the faithful will sleep better as there will be no screams of passion coming from the faithfuls apartment next door.
So sayeth JDT, the prophet of the VPF.
As someone who has been subject to the cruelties of male genital mutilation just days after my birth, I seek membership as a deacon of the Holy Order of the Tug-Ahoy.
The Creed of the Holy Order of the Tug-Ahoy:
I pray to the Visible Pink Foreskin that my circumcised penis may be restored to its unmutilated state.
I pray that my foreskin may be restored to be suitably pink and visible in Your sight.
I pray that upon such restoration, I may be able to have sex in the proper Jack Dean Tyler manner.
I pray that I may be able to power-suck my partner’s breasts for her enjoyment and press her nipples into her breasts.
I pray that I may be able to have sex only by rubbing the dorsal side of my penis (now restored by the mercy of the Visible Pink Foreskin) against the outer genitalia of my partner.
I pray that when I have sex, my partner shall express her extreme sexual pleasure without moans, cries, gasps, movements, or other outward signs.
I pray that when I have sex in the proper Jack Dean Tyler manner and it is pleasing in the sight of the Visible Pink Foreskin, His Visible Pinkness (blessed be his mud-flap) shall reward me with the absence of the unholy wet spot.
There is no God but the Visible Pink Foreskin and Jack Dean Tyler is his Prophet
I volunteer to be Pope. (Boy howdy, am I “cut out” for this position or what?)
Just call me “Your Pinkness”
Rev. Pope Dr. Pinky, fashion consultant to wyldelf
“Red hair and black leather, my favorite color scheme.”
You will also be our spokesforeskin and figurehead, so to speak.
hijack on
As Pope, and Ultimate Confessor, I must admit: I wasn’t cut once, I was cut twice.
At the end of my flight physical, the Doktor said, You’re fine, slight arrhythmia in the left ventricle, other than that, you’re ok. Except your penis isn’t right.
Really? This is the 1st complaint I’ve had. I haven’t examined everybody else’s penis, but it seems pretty damn functional to me.
It’s more aesthetics than anything else. We could fix it up in an afternoon.
8 years go by. I get a job with medical benefits. I steel myself & pick a butcher with a pleasant sounding name.
The needle they used to anestheticize my major nerve bundle was bigger than my package by a factor of two, but everything got sewed up & I was sent home with the instructions to not get an erection.
Riiight.
2 hours into REM I bust every stitch. Woozy, crawl to the bathroom, and flail in a pool of blood for a while. My wife at the time says, I’m sleepy; walk to the hospital. That’s when I knew it was over.
hijack off
Confessors, line up on the right. Tell me every dirty detail. The worst penance I’ve handed out so far makes a picnic seem like hell.
Excuse me, I seem to be possessed by Jenny Holzer. Gimme a minute to straighten this thing out… as it were.
bumping this so’s Falcon can see it.