Granted. After your volume on the joys of necrophilia is published you are sliced apart by an angry mob armed with potato peelers.
I wish a hydrogen atom on the other side of the universe was moved a planck length away from me.
Edit: Simulpost, that was for post 179.
Granted: Your work week has been reduced by 3/5, your pay has been reduced by 4/5, and you’re on a mandatory unpaid furlow for the next 10 weeks.
Granted: One hydrogen atom and the star it’s at the center of are now one plank length away from you.
I wish there was a cure for dyslexica.
Granted. You still need to brush up on your spelling, though.
I wish the Empire had destroyed all the Rebel bases with the Death Star.
Granted. Now George Lucas has to revise all his films, including something about extending the podrace scene in Episode I another hour.
I wish my car door could open and I didn’t have to crawl through the passenger side.
Granted, but it never closes.
I wish that two plus two really did equal three.
You got it. The universe instantly implodes from the inherent contradiction involved, unraveling all of space and time in a picosecond.
[Of course that didn’t stop the universe from doing so before your wish came true…]
I wish Scotty really did beam me up.
He does, straight into a cooling/water pipe. Enjoy drowning.
I wish it was September already.
I had to take a break; my genie powers needed recharging. OK fast-forward to September, September Morn that is. Your iPod contracts a computer virus and is permanently stuck playing the Neil Diamond classic just as you requested. Unfortunately, the virus spreads and that becomes the only song played anywhere on anything. To make matters worse, it is still June and a hot summer really isn’t the right time for that song. I apologize if I didn’t get your wish quite right, my genie powers are still booting up.
I wish that my dog could talk…
Ok your dog can talk, but he only spouts a stream of right-wing partisan rhetoric like a rock-hard jet of pure bullshit from a broken spigot, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (But you do clean up on the talkback radio circuit).
I wish I could tell whether or not someone was telling the truth, by a little light, only I could see, flashing above their heads when they spoke - orange for lie, blue for truth.
By the power vested in me, I grant you the extra sensory perception of lie detection using blue and orange lights. Unfortuantely, since the council of genies has ruled that no one may have more than five senses, I have taken the liberty of removing your sense of hearing. You won’t hear what they say, but at least you will know if people are lying to you.
I wish I could take a long vacation where I get to visit each country of the world for one week…
There are 193 sovereign states recognized by the UN, plus Kosovo, Taiwan, observer-status states, and a handful of limited-recognition states. You get to spend one week in each of these countries, courtesy of Extralegal Rendition Tours. The food sucks, the accomodations suck, the guest services suck, and the climate varies intensely. On the other hand, you get to spend two full weeks in Rome (for Vatican City and SMO Malta).
I wish for Israel to live in peace and security, within the maximal borders reached under King Solomon.
Granted: Mohammad returns, and walls all the Jews inside said borders, and causes them to be only able to digest meat cooked in its mother’s milk and lobster.
I wish all fisheries world wide were restored to their maximal healthy state.
Done. Unfortunately, the only way that could happen is if the fish begin fighting back, and to permit them to do so, I’ve taken the liberty of giving them all superhuman intelligence. Already their damp armies are on the march, er, swim, and before you know it they’ll have imposed their watery subjugation on us all. I, for one, welcome our new gilled overlords.
I wish George W. Bush would fully understand the extent and depth of the suffering he caused during his eight years in office.
Done. He understands every bit of it. Unfortunately, he’s evil, so he doesn’t care.
I wish I had the powers and physique of Superman, with none of his weaknesses.
Yeth, Mathtah.
You now have the following powers:
[ul]
[li]Invulnerability to hand weapons[/li][li]Resistance to vehicle-mounted weapons[/li][li]Super speed[/li][li]Super strength[/li][li]Flight[/li][li]Heat vision[/li][li]X-ray vision[/li][li]Ability to fall from low-Earth orbit and survive[/li][/ul]
But as this is the Real World (pat. pend.), you don’t get Superman’s ability to maintain a secret identity without a mask. Everybody knows who you are. And I do mean EVERYBODY. You have ZERO private life; every government demands you be at their beck and call 24-7; the media mobs you when you’re not working (and much of the time when you are); etc.
I wish the next poster will wish for something funny.