From today’s NY Times:
“The cretins rule in “Alpha Dog,” which has much the same entertainment value you get from watching monkeys fling scat at one another in a zoo or reading the latest issue of Star magazine.”
From The Onion’s A. V. Club review of [ur=“The A.V. Club | Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed. Holiday”:
Oops.
Of the first few volumes of L Ron Hubbard’s Mission Earth Series - “wait until all ten volumes are available, and then don’t buy any of them”.
Can’t recall from whom that came.
I’ve always liked Ebert’s review of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo…
A little something from the Newark Star Ledger about Surviving Christmas…
And lastly something from The Master of Disguise as written by James Berardinelli. This one isn’t spectacularly clever or anything, it just sums up exactly the way I feel about this movie…
Not a real review but I liked in a holiday supplement of the Sydney Morning Herald a list of every movie showing in Sydney with a potted one line summary. “Blow - sucks.”
A recent thread reminded me of the contempt that most music journalists had for Jefferson Starship and I looked up the Rolling Stone biography.
Divisive, extreme, and visionary, the Jefferson Airplane was a band of artists; Jefferson Starship, at its best, became nothing but a band of hitmakers. … Occasionally (and infuriatingly), their music echoed their former adventurousness, but in general they made glossy pop-rock that sounded hideously dated almost the day it came out.
Their proven songwriting skills and Slick’s vocal expertise made the new band appear promising – but the seeds of mediocrity had already been sown.
*But with Marty Balin’s “Miracles,” Octopus’ massive hit, the band began shifting toward schmaltz. Balin now sounded like a lounge singer… *
…Thomas perfectly suited Jefferson Starship in its relentless descent into mediocrity.
Ten Years and Change is the strongest Starship best-of, and it’s embarrassing.
Remember GTR, the pop-prog group with Steve Howe of Yes and Steve Hackett from Genesis?
Here’s J.D. Considine’s review of their album, in its entirety:
SHT.
Roger Ebert is the king of funny bad movie reviews. Max Torque already quoted my favorite Ebert line of all time- “Mad Dog Time should be cut up to provide free ukulele picks for the poor”- but the first paragraph of the same review strikes me as a very well-written insult:
More choice Ebert bits:
“[N]o one is allowed to think in this movie. Not one single event in the entire plot can possibly take place unless every character in the cast has the brains of Bac-O-Bits.” Jungle 2 Jungle
“The Hindenburg is a disaster picture, all right. How else can you describe a movie that makes people laugh out loud at all the wrong times…you just can’t dismiss it, you linger over it. People stand in the lobby afterward like the survivors of a traffic accident.”
“[The babies in Baby Geniuses talk like little wise guys, using insipid potty-mouth dialogue based on insult humor. This is still more evidence for my theory that the greatest single influence on modern American culture has been Don Rickles.”
“In this movie, you’ll see Benji…snuggle up to a beautiful girl, jump into her bubble bath and (oh, you PG!) bury his wet, black little nose in her cleavage. The possibilities for Benji in an R-rated movie are to depressing to consider.” Oh Heavenly Dog!
“I am not giving a star rating to Pink Flamingos because stars seem not to apply. It should be considered not as a film but as a fact, or perhaps an object.”
In the Album Guide, he goes so far as to refine his assessment to “Ttl Sht.”
Just to provide a POV from the other side. A composer of the late 19th or early 20th century is said to have sent this letter to a critic who had written an especially harsh review:
“I am seated in the smallest room in my house. I am holding your review in front of me. In a minute it will be behind me.”
Someone (apparently not Samuel Johnson, as I’d thought) received a manuscript from an author with a request for a review. The reply:
Music web site Pitchforkmedia reviewed Jet’s second album last year. The front page blurb warned simply “NSFW”. It was good advice.