The curious bitter fruits of online dating

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Perhaps some of you gentle people could shed some light on some relationship weirdness I’m having at the moment.

I’ve been single for a good while, and recently decided to try an online dating site. The last relationship I had was with a coworker and we met each other every day at work, so we kind of just slid into the relationship, without any of these “dating” theatrics. So I’m kind of confused.

I seemingly caught a lucky break within the first 24 hours of my attempt at online dating, when a few years younger lady with an interesting profile responded to me, and we set up a date.

On Saturday, we met at a local museum of modern art, as both of us are interested in the subject. We seemed to get along pretty well. We had a long and interesting conversation at the museum’s cafe, and then proceeded have fun looking at the exhibits. After touring the museum, we went on our separate ways, since we both had prior engagements to attend to. However, we agreed to call set up a movie date early next week. I genuinely liked her, and she seemed to feel the same.

On Sunday, I sent a text message to her, asking how her evening went, since she’d told me she was going to a friends housewarming party. I got no reply.

On Monday, I was going to go out with a friend, but I figured I’d ask the lady if she’d want to grab a cup of coffee after work instead. I called her at work(this is completely unremarkable where I live. People usually take personal calls at work without any issue). She answered the phone, but insisted that she’s working and can’t be disturbed. I didn’t get the impression that she was in a meeting or anything like that. I apologized for disturbing her at work, thinking she’d call me later to find out why I called. No call so far.

Wednesday, now. Earlier today I left her an answering machine message asking how she’s doing, and to call me back if she wants to talk. It’s 22.00 here. No call.

I’m a cynic by nature, so I’m inclined to believe that she just wants me to figure out by myself that nothing is going to happen, and just disappear quietly. On the other hand, she did genuinely seem to like me when we met, so I’m a bit puzzled by this. Have I taken things too fast or something?

2

Pretty clear that she’s just not into you. I’d be moving on. Big ocean, lotsa fish, etc.

3

She’s just not that into you.

4

It reminds me of something that happens to me from time to time. I can be what I think is just normally courteous and nice to a guy and he gets the “she digs me” vibe from that.

I think it is entirely possible that she enjoyed the museum outing but just wasn’t interested in taking it any further.

So yes, I’d say that if she hasn’t returned your calls or texts at this point she’s not interested. Time to move on.

Good luck!

5

The hardest thing I have found with online dating is when there’s no real chemistry. How do you kindly say to someone, “I thought you were great when I was talking to you online; but now that I’ve met you in person…meh, not so much.”

I’ve had many first dates that were perfectly pleasant evenings, but just…no spark. Most of the time, the gentleman has been interested in seeing me again, but I’m not. It was still a nice conversation and pleasant company, but chemistry is either there or it’s not. You just don’t know until you meet in person.

If you are interested, you make the time and make the effort. She’s just not feeling it, it’s probably nothing personal, nothing you did - just isn’t mutual. You’ll go on other dates and it will be the opposite; the woman will be interested and you aren’t. Take your time with the dating site, and keep trying.

6

I think it’s a big mistake to assume that the first person you meet online is going to be “the one.” Resign yourself to the idea that you’re going to have to meet dozens or even hundreds of women before that happens. And don’t get hung up on any one of them. A survival tip in this is just to have as much fun in the process as you can. Look at it this way: You spent an afternoon having a great time with a great woman. That’s a Good Thing.

7

Agree with everyone else that maybe she’s not really into you.

However, what really struck me about your story was:

These are consecutive days?? Frankly that seems pretty pushy to me. When I started dating my current GF (and all the previous ones) there was at least 3-4 days between contact at first. We went on our first date, had a good time. I didn’t call her until the following weekend. We went out again. Again, I didn’t call her again for a solid week. After the 3rd date and it was clear we were into each other the calls/texts/dates came much more frequently and freely.

You probably scared that one off; just try to not be so eager in the future. Play it cool and try to let the girl set the pace. Nobody likes to feel like they’re being stalked, no matter how honorable your intentions.

8

You just met her. The date was Saturday. You texted her Sunday. You asked her out Monday. You called her Wednesday. If it were me, my meter would be swinging away from Endearingly Eager and veering toward Clingy. I mean, I sometimes go whole weekends without talking to my SO.

I’d also have been taken aback by you calling me at work or asking me about my friends. After a first date, you don’t know much about a person’s workplace or friends, so to ask about them or make assumptions like it’s ok to call her at work assumes a level of familiarity that you hadn’t yet reached.

9

She is not into you.

People will part with you with no intention of getting together again. They just won’t come out and tell you.

10

And that sucks and is rude as hell and a pansy move IMO. But I digress.

As for advice for future dating, IME some/many online women will talk to you online for YEARS without actually commiting to a real life meeting. If you actually want just an online chat buddy, have at it. It you want something real, DHMFA if after some “reasonable” period of time in which you gotten to know each other fairly well online and she still won’t meet. And don’t buy that " I’m busy this weekend" shit over and over either.

There are reasons they won’t meet, but those don’t matter IMO. The point is a fair number won’t do it and don’t waste your time on em.

11

If you’ve made two unreciprocated contacts, don’t make a third. And certainly not a fourth.

12

Yeah, I agree, WAY too pushy and needy. Wait a week before calling. It’s hard, I know, but it’ll weed out the ones who aren’t interested. Don’t listen to the girls who say, “He has to call me within THREE days or else he’s lost his chance!” That’s bullshit. If she REALLY likes you, she’ll just be happy you called at all. So let her wonder a bit, be a little mysterious.

Next time, I mean–this ship has sailed. You could try never contacting her ever again and see if she calls you. Maybe. But don’t hold your breath. Good luck!

13

I don’t think you were contacting her initially too soon because you did talk about setting up a movie date for the beginning of the week and Sunday isn’t really out of line for that. It was even nice to ask her if she wanted to do something casual on Monday but the calling her work was kind of weird if she didn’t give you her number there.

Who knows what happened? Why did she imply a further date if she wasn’t interested? Just move along and be happy if she contacts you but it’s her turn, I wouldn’t call her again.

14

I’m leaning less towards “she’s not that into you” and more towards “you scared her off.” Multiple sequential calls when you’ haven’t gotten any response at all is a Bad Sign to most people.

Also, it’s fabulous for you that most of the people you know can take personal calls at work with no problem … but you don’t know anything about *her *office. You don’t know if she’s got a micro-manager for a boss, or if she’s already been in trouble for goofing around on company time and is being scrutinized. You know almost nothing about her at all, so try very hard in the future to not make assumptions. (It’s human nature to do so, I know. But try!)

Including assuming that she liked you. Some women are very bad at drawing the line between “polite” and “honest.” They’ve been raised as people-pleasers, so she’ll act as though she likes you because *she thinks *that’s being polite.

(Of course, that’s a whole other thread.)

I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh, and I wish you the very best of luck. Online dating is just like any other kind: there’s a lot of weirdos, there are a TON of people who are perfectly nice but just not compatible, and there are one or two or a few who would be just perfect for you!

15

Any chance you had you blew when you called her at work. Never Never Never do that!

16

I disagree that you have to wait a week before another contact with someone you’re interested in, but I think how it should have gone should have been:

  • Meet-and-greet Saturday. Agree you both don’t suck, make tentative plans for a date later in the week.
  • Call her Sunday or Monday, say you had a great time Saturday, how would Friday night be for seeing Movie X? (You have put definite day and definite plan on the table).
  • Leave the ball in her court. If she’s interested, Friday will become a real date. If she’s not interested, she’ll give excuses or just not return your call. Anything but a call back saying yes to Friday is disinterest, and you can move on to the next lady.
17

This situation was a common mistake I made early in my dating days, and something that was frustrating to figure out.

Like others have said, she probably wasn’t interested in you. See, the most awkward thing is when you go out with someone and have a mediocre time. This is because if you have a great time well then yeah, you want to see them again. And if you have a HORRIBLE time then yeah, you’re not going to give them the time of day. But if you have a mediocre time, you’re probably not interested in bland seconds yet when people get rejected its easier to assume they had something major wrong. Generally that’s not the case- ie simply no chemistry/wrong time in their life/boring person/etc.

When you go on these dates, don’t treat it like the last date you’ll ever be on. I like dating people that are on the same page as me (ie we’re all going out with various people; I know I’m Batchelor #4 to the date I’m with and she knows she’s Batchelorette #6, so there’s no pressure). This makes it easy to hold back and not come off as clingy, even if you don’t intend on being so- maybe you just really liked the person and were eager to talk/meet again.

I think a few days to a week is a good gauge to calling back. If she is so interested herself, she’ll have the ovaries to call you and beat you to the punch. But in general, I would say its much less likely you’re going to miss an opportunity by waiting too long (in the span of a week at least) vs calling too soon/too frequently.

Your post got my attention because I’ve done this exact blunder, and kind of felt embarassed when I realized the person was simply avoiding me, but just too polite to say, “My date with you was too mediocre to consider seeing you again.” now that I understand it, I actually don’t see it so much as rude but saving face. Honestly in most online dating situations I don’t know the woman from Eve given I may have contacted her, chatted a bit, talked a few times on the phone, then met in person, within the span of a week. Should I get hurt/offended that someone I barely know is blowing me off? hell no, especially if there are other women out there much more eager to share my company :smiley:

18

I don’t think you scared her off. I think she just wasn’t into you in the beginning. If I went on a date with a guy and I felt like we hit it off, I would be thrilled that he texted me the next day. If she doesn’t return your call or messages past the first or at the very most the second attempt on your part, it’s time to move on.

19

Bold added.

Except for the first sentence I agree with all of this. Maybe she wasn’t that into him, but I think probably he’d have had another shot had he taken his foot off the gas a little bit and obeyed the speed limit. Maybe a guy doesn’t blow you away the first date, but calls you the next weekend and you happen to not have any plans. You’d probably go out with him again just for the hell of it, wouldn’t you? But what if he’d been texting and calling you at work all week? The odds of a second date just dropped to zilch, right? That’s all I’m saying.

20

Thanks for the great replies everyone.

Yep. Another person’s caring is another one’s clingy. Text messages are easy to send and easy to reply to. It’s not like I was serenading under her window or something. Answering a text message doesn’t take that much effort, so not answering one feels much ruder than just telling someone to bugger off.

I think some people misunderstood this bit. I wasn’t calling her work phone, having somehow stalkerishly obtained the number. I called her own cellphone while she was at work.

I definitely have figured that out by now. If she changes her mind for whatever reason, she still has my number. But I’ll be moving on.