The Dasani marketing blitz, or Coke can bite me

Okay, lame rant.

I’ve spent the past week traveling, first from Anchorage to Minneapolis, then on to Atlanta, and now to San Antonio. Coca Cola, in a desperate attempt to regain market share and to push their bottled tap water, has flooded the market with Dasani.

You literally cannot buy a bottle of anything else in any of the four airports I just mentioned, nor in any of the hotels I’ve stayed in so far. It’s even being served on the goddamn planes (Northwest and Delta).

Does Coke really think that everyone will just forget about their deception and lies concerning this product if they saturate the market? The discounts for this crap must be staggering if everyone is carrying it.

Yes, I know I don’t have to buy it, but for a diabetic a dry mouth is a warning sign, so I found myself purchasing it in spite of my loathing for the megacorp’s bludgeoning campaign. And what is with those obnoxious TV ads for this stuff. “Dasani is life”? Dasani is shit and if I have a choice, I’ll drink tap water…oh wait…

I’m just waiting for them to strike a deal with the US Government to be our nation’s water supplier. All that nasty tap water will be replaced with refreshing Dasani.

The irony will be immense.

The vast majoity of Americans aren’t aware of the fact it’s ordinary tap water. It looks cool to drink bottled water, it’s a well designed bottle, and it has a cool name-they will buy it.

Onion article: “Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars”

It’s juuuuust old enough to be off of the previous issue page, but not yet old enough to be in the archives or available for purchase. For now, it’s cached here.

How are Coke’s “deceptions and lies” any different from those of every other company marketing bottled water?

Yes, we are in the Pit. By all means parse the posting as you wish. But I’m not in the mood for taking you up on it. Go argue with someone who needs the entertainment value.

What’s that supposed to mean?

You sound tense. Go drink some bottled water.

Suddenly, I’m in the mood for a cool, refreshing Dasani. Guess I’ll fill up a bottle from my tap.

Deceptions and lies? How about Caveat Emptor?

Every Dasani ad I’ve seen doesn’t say one way or the other that it’s spring water, tap water, etc… just that it’s water and that it supposedly tastes good and is good for you.

Bottled water isn’t necessarily mineral water- even name-brands like Ozarka. You have to be careful- Ozarka “Drinking Water” is exactly the same thing as Dasani- locally sourced water purified via reverse osmosis and flavored with minerals. Basically they add minerals back so it doesn’t taste like distilled water.

The reason that Dasani’s everywhere is because Coca-Cola more than likely has the soft-drink contract with these entities, and since Coke didn’t have a bottled water before, they could serve whatever they wanted. But now that they have one, seeing somebody else’s is about as likely as seeing a Pepsi at a Coke-contracted shop.

And… once you’ve seen a tanker truck(same type as a gasoline tanker) sailing down the Interstate with a label saying “Genuine Spring Water”, you’ll probably be a lot less impressed with the concept of spring water.

I’m going to start selling spring water with little plastic springs in it, but only during the spring season. The profits from this venture will serve as a springboard for my plans to spring forth and conquer the world.

From the Onion a few weeks ago:

**Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars **

Well, I’M going to start selling water bottled from a completely unique source: My penis. I’ll purify it using reverse osmosis and flavor it with minerals so that it doesn’t taste like water that came from my penis. And I’ll make sure to brag on the label that it’s NOT tap water. I’ll call it “Wangsani.”

Well, there’s always a market for any given product.

Sure, the target market may seem ICKY, but they do exist.

In fact, I bet they’d prefer no reverse osmosis.

I know exactly what you talk about, and I feel your pain, man. I used to fly out of Atlanta transatlantic every now and then and everyone knows how much those flights suck. What’s worse is if you don’t have a good water to drink. I am not picky and here in Germany I regularly drink my tap water. It isn’t great, but its okay. I can’t STAND dasani. It isn’t necessarily because it isn’t spring water. I just don’t like the way it tastes. It has too many minerals or something and it just makes my mouth seem dry. Same for Ozarka and Aquafina, which are all bottled tap water. I like most spring water. I have known that Dasani isn’t spring water or else it would say it on the bottle. I am glad I haven’t seen the ad blitz though.

If you left out the reverse osmosis and the additives, you’d have a ready made market in people who , for one reason or another, are required to take drug tests. It’d probably sell really well to athletes and drug addicts.

Don’t forget the pervs . . . you know, I’ll bet there’d be a great market for celebrity whiz. You buy your favorite celebrities’ urine in special bottles. Anna Kournikova, Brad Pitt, whoever. I bet it’d sell pretty well. Does urine keep if it’s in a sealed container?

Are you sure it’s some market-flooding attempt rather than, for instance, an exclusive contract between Coca-Cola and those vendors/locations? I’ve worked places that only served Pepsi or Coke products (as well as places that served both) due to contracts with those companies.

There was this article on the Onion not that long ago. Something about a Rover finding Dasani on…

Oh, wait.

That’s a ready made sig line if I ever saw one.

I can see it now…Wangsani: All Natural Lemonade.

I think it’s a great idea. And after you make millions, you should expand your product line. For example, you could open a fudge factory just around the corner.