The Devil's Dayplanner

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last week, when I went to the Post Office to buy some postcard stamps I found a dayplanner. I meant to just turn it in to the Lost and Found right then, but with one thing and another, I didn’t. It’s not much to look at, not that fancy at all, just a plastic folder with a calendar inside with all the days broken up into half-hour segments. In back there was a notepad. On the front the name “M. Scratch” is written on with black marker. Inside the notes were made in a dark green ink, I’d say ballpoint, but then I’m no Sherlock Holmes. It smells vaguely like rotten eggs.

Opening it up at random I found this page:

Thursday 15th
" You can learn little from victory. You can learn everything from defeat."
Christy Mathewson (Baseball Hall of Famer)

7:00 - 7:30 Tai Chi

7:30 - 8:00 (there was an arrow down from “Tai Chi”) I guess there was an hour blocked off for that See the star thingies? That’s just me saying. It wasn’t written down in the planner.

8:00 - 8:30 Personal attention - E. Whitcolm - possess dog? bitey-bitey!!!

8:30 - 9:00 Vegas - soul/gamblers Jackpot? No slots this time!!!

9:00 - 9:30 Call Mom (birthday!)

9:30 - 10:00 New uniform - security (NO BALLCAPS!!!) beret? (purple!) (lavender?!) !

10:00 - 10:30 Xerox salesman- new paper suppliers? Toner!!! Check printers while at it!!!

10:30 - 11:00 Scout Troop address (tour? Thomas)

11:00 - 11:30 Meeting (B. A. & S. Consulting) re: lower overhead - third shift redundant???

11:30 - 12:00 (arrows down)

12:00 - 12:30 (arrows down)

12:30 - 1:00 (arrows down)

1:00 - 1:30 (arrows down)

1:30 - 2:00 (arrows down) It was a long meeting. I hope they broke for lunch.

2:00 - 2:30 Call - new pitchfork in? Nate. Blazes5- 6392 ext. 666

2:30 - 3:00 Me time. Tell Bernice. Lock door today!!!

3:00 - 3:30 pers. att. - G. Shumway (note time diff. + 5) new car? trite SURF!!!

3:30 - 4:00 Origami class (monkey / try unicorn?)

4:00 - 4:30 Plague. Prague (ha!) conf. w/ Pestilence -coffee?

4:30 - 5:00 illegible smudged with coffee-isics
After five o’clock there was just a blank space for notes. It read:

Have Bernice call exterminator! re: imps!! 3rd Circle (more?)

Have Bernice call maint. re: new filters - Lake/Fire (already!!!)

Drinks A.H. Judas’ Head 7-ish? B. conf. (!)

mints? seven.

chainSAWS!!!

27.95
1.58
2.95 (shrimp)
15.xx (min wa)

46 ish / 4 = 12 ea. (get tip)

Manicure next week? French tips? !!!

Move origami to Tuesdays? Yoga class at Extension?

And a picture of a bunny. With an ax in its head.
-Rue.

2

Let’s look at this: Pestilence, pitchfork, Vegas, souls, extension 666… and the clincher - the word salesman. No doubt about it, it’s the journal of Saint Nick himself. Perhaps if you write in it, it will conjure up a manefestation of an evil spirit, preserved as a memory. Wait, that’s a different story.

3

The “M. Scratch” are interesting to. I believe that “Old Scratch” was a New England nickname for the Devil at one time.

That is a really bizarre list. Good reading!

4

My guess is the “M” stands for “Mephistopheles”

5

Oh man, better be careful that ole Belzebub hisself don’ come looking for that planner. He don take kindly to his plans being let out in the general world.

6

Well, I don’t blame the guy, sometimes I wanna bite the mailman too. Wouldn’t you be grumpy if one of your nicknames was ‘Old Scratch’?

7

As soon as I saw that the Devil’s secretary (personal assistant?) was named Bernice, I could not quit giggling. I kept picturing her as the goofy old Bernice from “Designing Women”. Hee hee!

8

I think it’s extremely rude of you to publish someone else’s calendar notes. Have any plans to turn it in to the PO lost and found, or are you just going to keep it for giggles?

Or am I being whooshed here?

9

An F-14 on afterburners six feet above your head would whoosh less.

10

Why the hell would Satan do tai chi though? I have to admit, Judas’ Head is a cool name for a bar.

11

lol… I can just see Ole Scratch wandering through the 3rd circle. Seeing imps out the corner of his eyes and thinking ‘Not again! Make a note to call the exterminator. These things breed like rabbits if we don’t get them all. As bad a cockroaches.’

12

Personally, were I sent to hell and walked down the corridors of the wretched to the devils office, and I saw an origami monkey on his desk? Hmm, I don’t think he’d ever recover that whole “Master of All Evil” mystique.

Thanks alot Rue, ya made my coffee come out my nose!

13

I think Satan (although really, it’s one M. Scratch, maybe not Satan at all) does his tai chi first thing in the morning to focus his thoughts and hit the office all energized j_kat. But that’s just my take on it.

What if it was an evilorigami monkey Inky-? What then?
-Rue. (a little rude maybe)

14

January 22, 2003

7:00 - 7:30 Tai Chi

7:30 - 8:00 (arrows down)

8:00 - 8:30 Meeting with Starbucks for possible Franchise. North Hell?

8:30 - 9:00 (arrows down)

9:00 - 9:30 Contact Muzak. Ask for Specials on Tuba music.

9:30 - 10:00 Check Uniform. MAKE SURE THEY DON’T MATCH, like they did last time!

Also, check:
fabric should be 50% wool and 50% asbestos.
itchy tags?

10:00 - 10:30 Practice oragami monkey. an angry face was drawn here. Maybe the monkey is very difficult?

10:30 - 11:00 Break for early lunch. * the word "pampered chef is crossed out. maybe one of his office mates is having a party at lunch?*

11:00 - 11:30 NOTE: buy more oragami paper. and invisible tape.

11:30 - 12:00 Return calls

12:00 - 12:30 (arrows down)

12:30 - 1:00 Pedicure and manicure. French?

1:00 - 1:30 (arrows down)

1:30 - 2:00 Meet with Barry about the imp situation.

2:00 - 2:30 Train new recruits with Amway presentation.

2:30 - 3:00 (arrows down)

3:00 - 3:30 Contact Phyllis in Internet Rumours dept. Ask about Nigerian scam.

3:30 - 4:00 Origami class (* another angry face. f’ing monkey!*)

4:00 - 4:30 Contact Harvey about defective locusts.
4:30 - 5:00 left blank

on the bottom of the sheet is a doodle of a pony

15

This guy is all about the details, ain’t he Babs?

16

One doesn’t get to be C.E.O any other way, Rue.
I mean, he has a fortune 500 company to run, ya know?

17

Uhm you didn’t happen to see my name mentioned anywhere, did you?

Just checking.

BTW those origami monkeys are a real bitch.

18

huh, so are them baboons.
:wink:

19

Monday 23rd
" Insecurity breeds greatness. To get to the top in virtually anything today, you really have to make a superhuman effort. You won’t ever find a superachiever anywhere who wasn’t or isn’t motivated, at least partially, by a sense of insecurity."
Ted Turner

7:00 - 7:30 Tai Chi

7:30 - 8:00 (arrows down) It’s good to see he’s keeping up with it.

8:00 - 8:30 St. Petersberg- look into change. (? Ana ?)

8:30 - 9:00 Tank rides with R. Wear hat!

9:00 - 9:30 Consult w/ Parker Bros. No dice- spinner!!

9:30 - 10:00 Origami

10:00 - 10:30 (arrows down) Can you take too much time for a hobby?

10:30 - 11:00 Call florist - Red roses? White?

11:00 - 11:30 Star Search try-outs

11:30 - 12:00 Lunch with D.C. Wrinkle cream? (no burgers!)

12:00 - 12:30 (arrows down)

12:30 - 1:00 Troubador traps. Deadline: Bombay (!!!)

1:00 - 1:30 New belt? Brown!- goes better w/shoes!!!

1:30 - 2:00 Check quality new load brimstone (clinkers? Not this time!!!)

2:00 - 2:30 Check w/ R&D boys- Tempt-o-tron (New name?)

2:30 - 3:00 Down to GA. Soul/ gold fiddle - receipts this time!!!

3:00 - 3:30 Try new look- Flaming Eyeball? Velour?

3:30 - 4:00 (arrows down) Ya gotta look good.

4:00 - 4:30 Lima beans/Ohio/Peru (!)

4:30 - 5:00 Brussels sprouts bigger! This year!!!

Then there were a few doodles. A crab. A flower. A cyborg puppy.

20

The Dayplanner… is on… my foot.