Personal best (while working in a hotel in Calgary)
guest: How high up are we?
me: We are a kilometre above sea level
guest: No, how high up are we?
me: well, your room is on the ninth floor
guest: No, how high up are we? at this point my beeper went off and I managed to leave
Friend working at Chateau Lake Louise (Banff)
guest: How much does that mountain weigh?
friend: Would that be with or without trees?
different guest, looking at Lake Louise: How do they make the lake that colour?
friend: Well, once a year they drain it and paint the bottom turquoise, as a matter of fact it is scheduled for tonight…
the guest stayed up all night waiting for some work crew to drain the lake… then she reported my friend to the manager when it didn’t happen… he was fired.
Sad but true, all three of these tourists were American
Some years ago, the Washington State Ferry Service published a bit on the more unusual questions asked of ferry employees. My favorite (in fact, the only one I can still remember) was whether the ferries run on tracks or cables. (“no ma’am they’re real boats”)
Incidentally, I think someone in the ferry service has a sense of humor: I hope these FAQs are not asked too frequently (see the fourth question).
When I was very young my family took a trip to Israel, Egypt, and then England to visit my brother who was studying at the London School of Economics. Several weeks of travel in foreign countries had my mother pretty turned around. When my brother took us to the corner store to purchase some food, my mother picked up a frozen package of sausages and asked the pretty young lady behind the counter, “Excuse me, but do you speak English?”
I later found out that my brother had been flirting with the sales clerk for several weeks. He never quite forgave Mom.
“Mother, what counry are we in?”
“England.”
“And what language do they speak in England?”
I should point out that my mother is the most wonderful person in the world.
One of the most famous is people showing up in Paris at Bastille and promptly proclaiming ‘So, where is the Bastille?’
My friends and I have been known to sit behind tourists doing the ooh ahh thing on buses and just commenting on fictional events. ‘Wasn’t that where John picked up the transvestite?’ ‘Hey, I remember this, Terry crashed his car into that pub when he couldn’t find reverse’ and so on. really mundane stuff and completely ignore all the sites that they are looking at.
I’ve told this story before, but it is perfect for this thread.
About an hour away from the Southern entrance of Yosemite National Park, and friend and I made our regular stop at the Texaco Starmart (in Coarsegold, CA.) There was this loud, brash woman making a scene there - I DO NOT believe she was putting on an act, I swear.
She was obnoxiously saying she needed to get out of the mountains, how did she get out of here? The Texaco guys pulled out a map, and asked her “Do you want to go to the Park?” (Meaning, of course, Yosemite National Park, one of the most beautiful National Parks in the world.) “Park? Park?” she said in disgust. “What park? I don’t know anything about any park! I want to get back to Nebraska. How do I get back to Nebraska?” She was very loud, and impatient that she could not find Nebraska. The Texaco guys patiently showed her the map, presumably showing her the difference between California and Nebraska.
I have no idea what the hell her problem was, or what she was doing only an hour away from Yosemite, when her goal was Nebraska. (My guess was that she was in California for some reason, but just couldn’t seem to manage to find her way out of the state.)
Ms. Chupacabra was working on Mackinac Island in Michigan when a vistor asked her if the island was surrounded on all sides by water. She answered, “by definition, yes”.
In the interest of international amity, I won’t mention the accent of the tourist in front of me at an underwater exhibit at the Aquarium who said the following:
“Honey! Come look at the anemone waving it’s testicles in the air!”.
I work in a beach community on the coast of Washington (so no one is lost by the punchline, that is on the WEST coast of the US).
On morning, just before dawn, I found a couple sitting on the beach, staring expectently out over the Pacific Ocean. I watched them for a few minutes, then pulled up next to them to see if I could be of some assistance.
“No, thank you Officer. We’re just waiting to see the sunrise”.
I politely directed them to a nice spot with an eastern view . . .
A really good friend of mine was visitng me in Louisiana years back. We went down to New Orleans and were walking around. Then, he asks me:
“So, where do we catch the subway?”
It was then that I reminded him that New Orleans is 5 feet below sea level. The water table is high enough, and the ground saturated enough, that after a good rain it is not unusual to have a front yard full of crawfish. We call them “yard-dads.” Flip-flip-flip, right across the driveway.
I’ve had people ask if there really is a Yoknwaptawa County (That one Faulkner mentions) in Mississippi.
There isn’t.
I recall visiting friends up in the delta, and hearing one lady from Chicago remark that it sure was flat and was hot as hell.
Duh! Delta’s are usually flat and it was July at the time.
Of course, I did have once Yankee (used in the most insulting manner, here at least) who wittly remarked first off that he was stunned we were all wearing shoes and had indoor plumbing. Then he asked me if I could tell him were State HWY 49 South was.
I sent him towards North 49. Don’t piss someone off if you don’t know where you are.
I live in Montpelier, the capitol city of Vermont, and every year we get lots and lots of tourists. I don’t mind, actually (I work for the state tourism department )
We’re a very small city, only a little over 8,000 people, and we don’t have a McDonalds or other fast food place in town, only regular restaurants and coffee shops. The tourists looking to get a quick bite to eat usually end up at the Coffee Corner, the local diner. Last summer I was there for soup and frenchfries (one of my favorite lunches) when I heard a tourist talking to his companion: “This menu says that grilled cheese sandwiches are $1.55, or $1.95 with Cabot,” She agreed that that was what it said, but didn’t know what it meant. He asked the waitress as she walked by “Excuse me miss…What’s a Cabot?”
My girlfriend and I nearly fell out of the booth laughing, and almost missed the rest of the brief conversation.
“It’s cheddar cheese that’s made by a local company. It’s won a lot of awards.”
Male tourist: “Companies make cheese?”
Female tourist: “there are cheese contests?”
And the possibly even funnier exchange that I heard at the Farmer’s Market:
Female tourist: “Oh look, goat cheese and sheep cheese! I thought that goats and sheep were the same thing!”
Male tourist (impatiently): “Don’t be silly, goats are what they call baby sheep on the farm.”
My friend and I were standing in the middle of Princes Street in Edinburgh waiting to meet up with some friends, when we were approached by a couple of tourist.
THEM: “Excuse me but could you tell us where the castle is?”
brandishing cameras
We looked at them in horror.
THEM: “You know Edinburgh Castle right?”
As one, we turned 90 degrees to the right and pointed at the castle on top of its dormant volcano and above Princes Street Gardens.
THEM: “That’s the castle. Didn’t see that before.”
At which point we collasped in laughter as did the piper who was standing behind us. We laughed so hard that tears streamed down our faces and we couldn’t walk because our ribs hurt so much.
Also in Edinburgh, a gun is fired at one clock in the afternoon everyday from the castle and you could spot the tourists because they would jump or take cover. I actually heard one say “It’s because they’re still at war with Ireland. Come on, we’ll be safe at the hotel.”
In college, my husband worked at Cedar Point in Ohio, and when he was about 22 he was the manager of the Red Garter Saloon or some such faux western crap. While there, he encounter several slack-jawwed-yokels who asked him:
Yokel: When is it going to stop raining?
Husband: I’m just not sure…it’s not up to me really.
Yokel: Where’s the ticket office. I’m going to complain. I paid good money and its raining.
or
Li’l Yokel: Do you have to be 21 to drink here?
Hus: Of course.
Li’l Yokel: Even IN the park?
I had a simmilar experience some years ago as I wass passing the exit to St Pauls tube station. Two geordies (see, it’s not only Americans) came up the stairs and asked where the Cathedral was - erm, it is that big domed thing right behind you!
I’m working at the CBS Broadcast Center, 57th Street betweeen 10th and 11th Avenues in New York. It’s summer, and the Holiday Inn is just up 57th Street, and filled with NYC tourists. I step out to go across the street to another CBS building one monring, and there is a polyester-clad tourist with MIDWEST stamped on her furrowed brow. “Excuse me, miss,” she says, " can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?" Naturally, I collapse into laughter. The answer, as all New Yorkers know, is “Practice, lady, practice!”
I did manage to explain that she needed to head east, not west, from her hotel, and apologize for the snickering. But I could see she was thinking it’s true what they say about rude New Yorkers.
Actually, I’ve been on a ferry that ran on a cable, so it wasn’t really that stupid for the person to ask. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying?
The only story I have (I try to avoid tourists) is when I took a friend of mine from NYC to a county fair in Maryland. There was a Jersey calf in one of the barns that he thought was a baby deer. I just went with it. Nevermind that there were 20 cows standing right next to it. It never occurred to him that it was just the youthful version.
Ok, this is a real leap of faith, but I am going to relate how stupid I was on vacation. FWIW, I was about 14 or 15 at the time, but for sure old enough to know better!
I was on a family vacation to Cancun right about Christmas time. We flew from Denver and there was a blizzard in Colorado when we left. When the plane landed I saw the white sand everywhere and asked my Mom if it had snowed in Cancun. She played right along with it, as did everyone else, and told me it had been snowing a lot lately in Cancun. So it wasn’t until after we exited the plane that I realized that A. it was 80 degees B. there were tropical plants everywhere C. DOH!
In defense of myself there was a lot of snow in Colorado when we left so I had “snow on the brain”. Also, it was dark when we got to Cancun so I could only see the ground right next to the plane. Also, I had never been within 1000 miles of a beach or the ocean so I had no idea what to expect. Regardless, it was a really stupid thing to say!
