The end of my three year relationship (AKA My 30th birthday party)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hello everyone, I don’t post as much anymore…but anyone who has ever followed the saga of Quasimodal, knows that his life has had many ups and downs. The latest chapter is complete…tonight my girlfriend told me she doesn’t love me anymore.

To briefly recap our relationship, it did not start well. I met her while she was still seeing someone. It took about three months of secret dating before she finally left him. After that, I learned more about her past. She had some demons haunting her, as her brother died young, her father died of cancer, and she had medical complications from cancer herself. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with these issues.

Then there was her family. Her brother became jealous that I was taking up her time…and threatened to come beat me up. It would have been one thing if he was simply a hot head, but he has had a history of abuse, so I was legitimately concerned. He has always been a heavy weight in our relationship.

So three years went by with a fair amount of drama. The sad part for me was…I grew to accept all of these things about her, except I guess for her family. I was trying to work on it, but my relationship with them started so poorly, that I never really overcame my apprehension of them. For the last four months, my girlfriend had been distant…and tonight she finally ended it. I was ready to marry her, and while I am crushed, I know it is not the end, merely the start of a new chapter in my life.

Of course today is also my 30th birthday. Yay new decade :stuck_out_tongue:

I worked soooo hard to make things work, I commuted 2 hours a day for a year so I could have a job. And now things were starting to look so good financially, but alas it didn’t seem to stick.

I feel sad, tired, angry, confused, and frustrated. Hopefully my next relationship is better.

2

(offers friend-type hug) Sorry to hear this.

My birthday was Sunday, thankfully much calmer than yours. I’m betting your next one will be better.

3

Think of it this way:

A woman who will not tell her family to go piss up a rope for physically threatening her significant other with violence - not for hurting her, mind you, but for spending too much time with her - is not a woman who is in any sense capable of having an adult relationship.

The dude wanted to beat you up for dating his sister? And she didn’t tell him to fuck off? Are they teenagers or something?

4

She did for awhile…but his behavior got better. I still think though it is temporary, he has a long history of violence…he even hurt her when she was young.

5

The timing sucks. My ex used my 30th birthday party as a ruse to have my friend stay at our house for a week - unbeknownst to me, they’d started having an affair online a few weeks earlier, and this was their first opportunity to make it physical. Kind of took the shine off my birthday for several years after that, but last year when I turned 35 I realised I wasn’t dreading my birthday for the first time in all those years, and I’m looking forward to it this year (it’s next week).

Sometimes the best birthday present you can get is the freedom to move on and find someone worthy of sharing your life with. Ultimately, that’s what I got for my thirtieth birthday, even if it did take me three more years to find him :slight_smile:

6

Your birthday isn’t over yet. Hope you can add “cop a buzz” to tired angry etc.

So you’ve learned what not to do. Don’t do it anymore.

Read something today (can’t remember where) that I think’s really good:

Don’t make somebody a priority in your life who makes you an option in theirs.

Happy birthday! and hang in there. You’ve only just begun.

7

Think of it this way: when the party ends, you have to take out the trash.

8

Happy Birthday, Quasimodal. I understand that you were committed to this woman, but I truly do think you can do better - it sounds like it only lasted as long as it did because you were willing to put up with a whole lot of shit that you probably shouldn’t have.

9

Happy birthday and condolences on the lost relationship.

If you are still commuting two hours a day, make your birthday present to yourself a new place to live, closer to work. Presumably nothing (or at least much less) holding you to your current location now.

10

Thanks all,

My new plan is to resign my job at the end of December. In the meantime I will move in with my parents. They will give me the support I need to get me through four more months, I can save some money on rent…and in January I will start taking some classes at University. I should have about 18K saved up by then. Maybe I will find something there that appeals to me more than my current life. If not, I can always teach again. :slight_smile:

It’s good to talk to everyone again.

11

She was doing you a favor- it sounds like she wasnt much of a catch, more of an emotional moocher. Here you were, trying to help her with all her issues, and what was she doing for you?

I know it sounds harsh, but I’ve seen far too many toxic relationships where one person’s only “merit” is that they are vulnerable/suffering/victim and the other person bends over backwards trying to help them. Would/did she help you through similar issues? I doubt it. Enjoy being single for a while, and dont feel guilty for being a little selfish for a while. You deserve to focus on your needs and keeping yourseld happy, before anyone else.

12

In her defense, she was very loving and caring, she helped me out when I was busy, she really has a beautiful heart, and she kept the faith during our long distance relationship. In the end…we both had flaws that didn’t make it work. I’m a better person from this experience, and so is she. I guess that is all one can ask for from life right?

13

“Helped her out of a jam, I guess
But I used a little too much force…”

Sounds like you helped each other in some ways, and I’m sorry it didn’t work. But…you are going to feel a little bit lighter, with less drama around all the time. Trust me. And happy birthday :slight_smile:

14

She dumped you on your birthday? That’s not classy.

You don’t seem that bitter about it (which is good). Are you sure you really wanted to marry her? From your posts it seems like you’re secretly relieved.

15

Maybe you’re right…you are the second person today to say that to me.

She was also my first relationship. Like I say…I have learned lots.

16

Ah. One thing I learned after my first relationship was that you don’t need a lot of drama in relationships. I still think you’re setting your sights a bit low, but I’m glad you can see her good points and see what you’ve learned from this relationship.

Also, don’t date people who aren’t free to date you. :slight_smile:

17

Wait–“new plan” as in you made it today? This isn’t the time to make new plans, IMO: you’re off-balance. Get your feet under you, get to a point where you’re not tempted for change for change’s sake, and then decide if that’s the right move. It still might be, but don’t tie yourself down to any plan until you’ve put some distance between you and the end of the relationships.

SOrry about the suckage.

18

My “new” plan was really a tentative plan for awhile. Without my girlfriend, I am no longer under pressure to pay rent, so I can accelerate the other plan. There is no longer any reason for me to commute 1-2 hours a day (one way) if I can change it.

I’ve been prepping for an engineering / comp sci program for two years now.

19

The more I read of your posts, the more I get a vibe that in some ways you’re secretly relieved that this is over even though it’s been painful.

20

I get the same vibe.
One assumes given the contents of your posts that you are relatively young.
Your first relationship wherein you wish to pledge your heart to another can be perilous at best.
Mine was, as she was was a medical student in a city more than 2 hours from where I lived.
We had consent from her family, but she rejected me after a few months.
It wasn’t tempestuous (nor on my birthday, which is 26 August and near yours), but it was a genuine relief after the trauma was over.

I wish you well in your coming adventures.
Please let us all know how things work out.
And the very best of luck to you in your endeavors of the heart!