I found out from one brother’s future wife (sarah) that the wife of my other brother told her eight year old daughter that on her 16th birthday she will be leaving home. The eight year old took this seriously (naturally) and relayed it to sarah as matter-of-fact.
What the fuck? Kids don’t really understand sarcasm. This is just another of a loong list of stupid idiotic things that woman has told her kids without ever understanding how they will deal with the information. I wish I could recall the other stupid things she’s said when I’ve been present to hear them. I hate to think what she’s told them when I’ve not been within earshot!
I know one shouldn’t dictate how someone else should bring up their own kids(especially someone with no kids of my own), but really that woman is a joke. I feel very sorry for my nieces who I am close to. They can’t open their mouths without being snapped at.
It’s not that you shouldn’t, it’s that you can’t; because with people like that it’s most likely backfire on the kids you like.
However, (I’m assuming you were not hatched or left here by aliens) you were a child. Having been a child it’s perfectly reasonable to have an opinion on childhood and childrearing, so go ahead and argue with your sister in law if you think it will do any good.
When my eldest daughter was in high school, I used to joke that her graduation gift would be luggage. And it would be packed!
My daughter always knew it was a running joke though, as she was old enough to understand it. When it comes to young children, you have to remember that they think more literally in line with their world experience. Instead of making the tot insecure about the future, couldn’t the mother of your nieces play “I got your nose” instead?
Perhaps a remark along the lines of “The walls have ears” might work on your nieces’ mother. I’m sorry your nieces have such an insensitive mother. I love kids and I am loathe to see children demeaned in any way.
By the time a child is eight years old, there is a family history of interplay and experience rich enough to make any random remark full of context that even an actual witness, much less a receiver of a third-hand account, will not understand. Thus I can say to my daughter “I bet that person really likes grapes,” and set off fits of laughter, or say to my son “laundry detergent isn’t that expensive,” and expect that his behavior will immediately (if temporarily) improve, why the Cow of Shame is a more dreaded punishment in my home than the Whacking Stick, and so on. And yes, there have been jokes about selling them to the zoo and whatnot. Not often, but only because we have other jokes we like better.
Some parents are better than others, some children are better than others. That’s the way it goes. Few children or parents are improved by the well-intentioned admonitions of others. If the children are well cared-for otherwise, your standards of improper use of sarcasm are of little weight, even if by some objective measure you’re right.
If your sister-in-law is stupid, she will likely continue to be so. If your brother is not stupid, he is in a much better position to address this and other issues than you are. Your legitimate and admirable concern for your nieces must be expressed through your personal relationship with them, not by tinkering with their other relationships.
What The King of Soup said.
I’m very aware and intolerant of people treating kids like crap, and I’ll get involved if I feel it’s necessary. However, something like this is pretty vague and doesn’t really seem like all that much to get your feathers ruffled about. Let this family be what they are unless you suspect real abuse. When you have your own family, you’ll understand that every family has their little in-jokes and they communicate in different ways. If the kids are happy and thriving, what’s the big deal? If they’re not, then kick your brother in the ass and get involved.
Um. My parents told my brother and I this all the time when we were kids. You know, that we should move out when we were 16. He left home at 17, I left home at 18, we’re both fine and dandy. They also used to tell me that when I got old enough to have boyfriends, Dad would stand on the front lawn with a hose and keep them away. That never happened either. Some families employ dry, deadpan humour on their children from an early age. If I’m warped, I’m no worse than many people I know, and a darn sight better raised than some.
I hear that you see other problems with this situation, but that statement alone wouldn’t really set off warning bells for me!
I’m pretty sure the source of most, or probably all of my sister-in-law’s flawed interaction with her daughters is nothing to do with a history of interplay or an ‘inside joke’. I know her quite well and from day one she had an attitude that I hated. The example involving the niece at 8 is a late example. There have been examples from earlier ages, possibly as early as 4 where she’s told them something that would take an adult brain to respond to properly. I wish I could think of an example as I said in the OP but I can’t. I just know she is more often than not thoughtless in the things she says to the kids. She treats them as if they are some sisters that she hates, and I am by far not the only relative who has these opinions. Just about every family member on my side (and connected to, i.e. sarah) has expressed private consern at sis-in-law’s attitude and verbal treatment of the kids.
And my brother is intelligent and has himself admitted to being aware of the problem, but I don’t think he has the guts to do anything about it, or maybe, as I suspect, the woman is totally incapable of listening to criticism.
P.S. If there was nothing more to this than the ‘leave home at 16th birthday’ thing I’d have simply cursed her in my mind and nothing more, but being reminded of this story (it’s actually quite old, so probably pre-eight year old) got me thinking of all the times she’s said something thoughtless and stupid to the kids in the past.
I have remembered one thing… The time when my step-mum had made a trifle for afters , one of them didn’t finish it. I can’t remember the words but I remember being horrified by them. Sis-in-law made out that by not finishing the trifle she had let everyone down and offended and upset my step-mum who had ‘slaved all day’ over it. This was not in a joking fashion, and even if it was there is no guarantee it would have been taken that way.
She’s done things like this before, treating what I see as perfectly normal things for kids to do as if they are personal defects, like not finishing meals is telling the person who made the meal that they don’t love them.
My brother dated a girl whose mother always said that she’d be kicked out on her 16th birthday. When she turned 16, sure enough, the mother kicked her out - not for doing anything you understand, just because she always said she would and she meant it. My parents ended up taking the girl in because she had no job, no money and nowhere to go.
My best friend told her twin boys from the time they were small that she was going to “break their plates” when they turned 18. She usually said that when she was upset with them. I do remember once seeing them cry to her “Please don’t break out plates!” and thinking that they were too young to really know what she meant, except that it was something bad.
My mom’s parents used to drive her and her sister to the state orphanage (a really scary old building which looks more like a prison than an orphanage) and tell them they were sending them there if they didn’t behave.
I believe one time they threw them out of the car and drove away.
My parents used to say “we’re sending you to military school” when we’d fight in the car on the way to Christmas celebrations in St Louis. However, this was because we passed a billboard advertising said school. That was a joke. Leaving your kids in front of the orphanage isn’t.
